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Bully from the past a few years later

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sayitright, Aug 6, 2009.

  1. sayitright

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    You know those completely random moments that make you feel like crap instantly and stick with you?

    Well, I ran into someone I used to hate at school and he managed to embarass me (I think/hope I'm just being more paranoid about it) while I was out with my new friends. Ignoring him now after he approaches me or saying stuff like "that's none of your business" would only show how even as an adult I'm still pissed and affected by the past, so I decided not to be too unfriendly or friendly.

    I still couldn't hide I wasn't too happy to see him. He kept saying why I look so serious now that I see him. To me that's just a sneaky way of telling me "you don't look happy". He also said he "can't believe" I'm drinking, obviously an attempt to make my friends see me as a loser. He also said how he "can't believe" I didn't go to college... and he didn't go himself. I used to be smarter and more hard-working but life's a bitch.

    The whole time I was thinking that I must stay indifferent cause getting a reaction from me for SEEMINGLY innocent comments is just what he might want. Yet I'm still pissed off cause I kind of felt like my friends were feeling sorry for me even though his comments were passive agressive. I felt socially retarded not being sure what to do.

    It was just weird. I hate people.
     
    #1 sayitright, Aug 6, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2009
  2. mrzach

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    well, i have many people i used to know from school who i have bumped into on the street or on a night out. if they talk to me, i talk to them. but if they are still idiots then ill pretend to be in a rush or make an excuse not to talk to them. there was one guy in particular and he doesnt change much, but im happy with the fact he is a dick, and that i dont have to speak to him. so if i were you i'd just forget it and you might not see him again - be happy with that?
    :slight_smile:
     
  3. beckyg

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    Remember that you can't change the way people act. You can only change the way you react to it! Don't let him get to you!

    I am friends with a former bully. This girl was always threatening to beat me up. She was not nice but 30 years later, she's the best! She's totally supportive of my gay rights activism, she tells me about how I've touched so many lives in my work as a child care provider and what I do now for the glbt community. She is a real sweetheart. So people do change.
     
  4. JurrBurr

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    Ask yourself why are you holding on? Does it make you feel better? Does holding on to that negativity correct the wrong? How does that negativity serve you and the people in your life?

    Holding on is a choice. Do you really want to give away your personal power to that person, situation or circumstance on which you dwell? Take back your power and bring awareness to the fact that you have a choice: you have the choice to let go or hold on.

    So far, you’ve been making the choice to hold on. When you hold on to negativity, it is negativity that you have to give away to the people in your life.

    Maybe it is time to let go?
     
  5. Jack2009

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    I have no experience from this since I was never bullied in my life, but when I was younger I used to bully this one kid at school. I made him cried like 10 times the two years I knew him, with simple things (this was in 7-8th grade).

    He wanted to be in my social circle, and I shunned him completely, and people were laughing at him after he cried so many times. He acted kind of gay, and I directed my negative energy to him to make me feel better (I think) I really can't remember, but bullies only tease others because they have low self esteem... or they want to feel superior.

    Now I usually just make fun of people in a joking way with my friends, like a fat girl or a real freak, but then I befriend them to make them feel good about themselves.
     
  6. Swamp56

    Swamp56 Guest

    I hated running into bullies years after they stopped bullying me. Most would just look at me and not say anything.
     
  7. nevermore

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    It is curious that even after school this former bully felt brave enough to come and even speak to you. The one thing to keep in mind are bullies are weak unhappy people and those people who make fun of other people usually hate themselves and are insecure.

    It sounds like you did your best in a tight spot and didn't react! You looked serious because you didn't want to be around that person and he would have noticed that and maybe made him feel nervous so he kept pestering you to get a reaction good or bad to find out where he stood now. Do you live in a small place? If so, it might be the case that you will bump into these people again. I was in your situation a few times as I was bullied at school but I decided once I had left that I would never let anyone treat me that way again. Although I had all those feelings you had - that same uneasy feeling that you describe I just faked it! What I mean is that I acted gregarious, smiley and jokey and soon got rid of them. I didn't forgive them for what they did or necessarily go out of my way to befriend them but I was showing them how much stronger I am now. You have to use that inner strength that you built up over the years at school and use it now more than ever to carve out a new life for yourself and not let those idiots bother you.
     
  8. malachite

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    I know I'm supposed to say a grudge never goes away no matter how long you nurse it, but that would make a hypocrite. I don't think you're wrong for feel anger toward this guy; and, I know what it is like when you worked hard in school, but have nothing to show for it, like you should have spent your time just actting like a jackass like everyone else. My best advice is turn the tables.
    If someone says some bull like: "I thought you would have gone to college because you were so smart."
    respond, : "I AM smart and since the toothfairy didn't leave me $80,000 under my pillow, I did go to college; but, had I known things would have turned out this way no matter how hard I worked, I guess I would have spent my time trying deseratly to live to everyone else's expectation of being cool and just actting like a jackass. I guess then I could look back at the wonder years and say 'oh remember when?'"

    Look I can relate. People don't change. I feel for you. I was in a similar situation in school, it make me toughen up, but I also push people away. My advice take a good look at this guy's life and ask if he really is worth getting worked up over.

    Oh and on the drinking thing, just raise your glass and say: "Alcohol! It's not just for assholes anymore!" Take a swig.
     
  9. malachite

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    You say brave I say cowerdly. Here is someone he tried to breakdown to make himself feel good.
     
  10. nevermore

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    Malachite: It is clear that we have different perspectives on this issue...I think it was "brave" of the former bully because at heart he is without a doubt a coward and to try and approach the OP outwith the school environment, his little pond, was risky. Please differentiate between what I'm saying about the person and the action. Also, if the OP was to make cutting remarks in return that would be lowering him/her to the former bully's level. What the OP, in my opinion, would be better off doing would be developing the attitude of "this person means nothing to me now, why should he phase me or make me react in any particular way?" and giving off a positive and jokey aura so to speak which shows that former bully that OP isn't bothered in any way by him now and if anything sees him as a little silly and immature trying to stick to "school stuff".

    OP: If you have the work ethic and the intelligence, what is preventing you from going to college? Do you think you have a lack of self esteem and that is stopping you from achieving what you want to achieve?
     
  11. malachite

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    Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
     
  12. Alex19

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    fuck that, id talk back to him. if he said some condecending shit to me, id let him have it. tell him you "cant believe" hes still an asshole
     
  13. Étoile

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    So true. Sometimes, it's best to pull the 'High school's over dude, why are you still acting like that?' card but other times they may need a taste of their own medicine. Having a snarky reply may solve the problem actually. You finally overcame your past struggle and you show them that you won't be belittled by their childish remarks again. You nip it in the bud right then and there. Next time they see you, they may think twice before speaking.

    If you stayed indifferent when he teased you in high school, it may have showed that you are still the same guy he used to bully in high school. The same guy who let him humiliate and embarrass you.
     
    #13 Étoile, Aug 10, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2009
  14. malachite

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    :eusa_clap:thumbsup::eusa_clap:thumbsup::eusa_clap:thumbsup: