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Somebody help me...please?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by XxTheNumbOnexX, Aug 9, 2009.

  1. XxTheNumbOnexX

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    Well...I always come here for advice on this kind of subject...because really its the best place for it. I don't come on here as much as I should...and I'm very very sorry for that. But I really need to know what to do right now...and I'll try to help on here more...
    Ok...the people here who know me...or have at least seen any of my posts...probably noticed that I was having an "emo phase". Well...first of all...I just want to say...that part of my life is OVER and right now I'm happier than I've ever been in my whole life. Exept for certain things...
    My grandmother FINALLY found out yesterday that I'm gay. Her reaction was better than I expected...if you take this as better: "I still love you, but I wish you would "expiriment" more before you just started thinking your gay. Do you know how gay people...do that? There is risk of damage to your insides. Not to mention the STDs." I replied with the offense that any gay guy probably would..."I have dated girls before. It didn't work. I was young...but I still tried it. And I know that. If u think thats all this is about then you don't know me at all. And STDs come from everywhere. Str8 ppl have them too."...and she said "I know but you were too young to understand." And I turn 18 in 17 days. She still thinks I'm too young to know that I'm gay. She married my grandfather when she was 16 years old. I'm sure if I asked her to "expiriment" outside of her sexuality she would feel exactly how I feel right now. BUT thats only a small part of my problem. Thats NOTHING compared to this:
    I met the most amazing guy ever over a month ago. First we started out just being friends. Him and his girlfriend broke up and I was there for him. We started dating after that...and apparently his mother hates me because she thinks I "made him Bi." I've talked to him on the phone every day for about...3 weeks. I love him. ALOT. and he actually loves me back. Thats very very rare. ESPCIALLY for me. I know what your thinking "Your just 18. You don't even UNDERSTAND love yet." I know that...but the way he makes me feel...what else would it be called?...He makes me happy. He gives me something to look forward to every day. All I want to do is be with him...talk to him...make him happy. If I knew that he would be happier without me then I'd definately stop talking to him...but right now...I know for a fact that I'm making him as happy as he makes me. He needs me. I just want to be there for him. Problem is hes just 15. I'm turning 18 THIS MONTH. I didn't choose to fall in love with a 15 yr old. Thats just how it happened. His mom caught him on the phone with me yesterday...and I heard every word she said...she said she'd "lock me away because hes a minor." Its not like I'm just going to...UGH. I could wait for him to turn 18. I just wish she would understand that. He said he'd give up girls completely for me. I didn't ask him to do that...I just want him to be happy. And he is with me...but his mom is ruining everything. Is there really nothing I can do? She says if I call him again and she finds out about it she won't let him talk on the phone or go on the computer ever again and thats the only way we can talk to each other. I really don't know what to do...somebody please...is there ANYTHING I can do about this?
     
  2. Maddy

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    About the first part, it can take people a long time to get used to it when someone they love comes out. Being nearly 18, you'd hae spent a long time thinking about your sexuality - denying it, trying to bargain with any deity that's listening, turning it over nd over in your head, and eventually, after years, realising and accepting "yeah, this is who I am". She's just found out and hasn't had close to that much time to come to terms with it. When she says she wants you to "experiment", I think she just doesn't understand exactly how much thinking queer people do about our sexuality before we come close to coming out, and maybe that's something you need to tell her - "It's taken me a really long time to really figure out who I am, it's not some arbitrary decision I've just made. I've known it for years, and I don't need to experiment because I've spent however many years thinking through it. I wouldn't have come out if I wasn't sure."

    I'm really not sure if there's much I can add about the second part, sorry :frowning2: I'm sure other people will have some great input, but there's very little I can say about relationship issues.
     
  3. White Raven

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    I know how you feel about the part where you love someone and their parents hate you and dont want you talking to them at all. Only the way I know this is more with a passionate platonic love that I have for my best friend. Her family doesnt let her call me or hangout with me as often as they can prevent it. All this goes on even tho shes 18, mostly because she still lives with them. But its been going on for almost a year now and we deal with it by doing things secretly. Its a big risk that they'll try to take more away from the one you love. But another thing I've found is that they can take away as much as they want but you can always find a way to communicate. My best friend has gotten her cell phone and homephone taken away for good, and is watched closely at all times to make sure she doesnt call me and to try and keep her from emailing me. But we still find ways to talk.

    My advice is find a way to talk to him that his mother wont notice, the best source being the internet. You might have to give up talking on the phone or in person, but love requires sacrifice. And if this love is true, you will have to wait it out till you can be together without limitations. It'll be hard, and really challenge your patience. But its prolly the only way to keep in contact and share your love.(*hug*)
     
  4. olides84

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    I'll pipe in your boyfriend issue.

    If this has just happened, act as maturely as possible both with your boyfriend and his mother. Don't immediately start going behind everyone's back until you both have tried to deal with this directly. And it's going to be up to him, more than you, to try to communicate his feelings to his mom.

    Also, know the law, age of consent, etc., in your state. Parents always like to make threats to people they don't want their kids dating.
     
  5. stratavos

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    she's probably being this way not only because you've admitted to being a homosexual, but because he's "her little boy".

    a really good question: why not just actually hang out instead of being on the phone? (of corse this is without actually knowing how far apart you both live)
     
  6. Chip

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    I echo the idea that you should hang out in person rather than talk on the phone if that's practical. It might also be wise for him to contact PFLAG in his area and get some material to give to his mom, and maybe get her to a PFLAG meeting. Just go slowly; I agree that if you go behind everyone's back, it will just make things more complicated.

    On the legal side, it looks like things aren't quite so bleak in Alabama, as the age of consent is 16. So, you are free to hang out and talk with him, but just don't do anything sexual until after he turns 16.

    Here the Code of Alabama:

    13A-6-70: (c) A person is deemed incapable of consent if he is: (1) Less than 16 years old...

    13A-6-67 : (a) A person commits the crime of sexual abuse in the second degree if: ...
    (2) He, being 19 years old or older, subjects another person to sexual contact who is less than 16 years old, but more than 12 years old.

    13A-6-62 (a) A person commits the crime of rape in the second degree if: ...
    (1) Being 16 years old or older, he or she engages in sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex less than 16 and more than 12 years old; provided, however, the actor is at least two years older than the member of the opposite sex.

    13A-6-64 : (a) A person commits the crime of sodomy in the second degree if: ...
    (1) He, being 16 years old or older, engages in deviate sexual intercourse with another person less than 16 and more than 12 years old.
     
  7. Elven

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    Ugh i'm 14 and I still know what love is, my parents have a 7 year age gap so I do not see what is wrong with your relationship, just no funny buissness for a year at least :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: but your family dosent sound all that trustworthy at the moment not that I can blame them for being confused as a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, they may know what being gay involves and how those people are but they do not understand the full story as to why there gay or how... I completly understand how you two may not be able to freely hang around together and be forward but you may have to be straight with your parents and tell them to butt-out if it comes to it and he must do the same, the only one in my eyes who can convince your boyfriend's mother to let you be, is your boyfriend, if you try she will only hate you more... you may have to meet secretly and wait entill you can both move out to be together fully unfortunetly :frowning2:...

    I think the reason I came out as soon as I hit puberty is I cannot lie to myself for very long at all and I worked it out quickly......

    Into every life a little rain must fall
     
    #7 Elven, Aug 9, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2009
  8. techie01

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    Congrats on your family taking it so well! As far as the boyfriend issue, love knows no age limit so just be careful, keep a well managed head and you'll be fine!
     
  9. Jack2009

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    Dump him he's way way too young for you.

    Okay if a 15 year old guy came on here asking if dating an 18 year old is find everyone will say "Noooo!"

    Ewww
     
  10. Udo42

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    My advice is that you should let him work through any issues he's having with his mother and try to be there for him and try to understand where the mother is coming from and not demonize her.

    It's easy at seventeen to fall in love I did it tons of times over and over again, it is an amazing feeling to be in but it will happen again. No offensive! I just remember being your age, failing in love, failing out of love over and over again. It's a wonderful thing so enjoy it while you have it my friend.
     
  11. Filip

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    As for the first part of your post, it is normal that family members will try the strangest things to make you see the straight side of life again. But you have the right mindset. Just remaining calm and explaining how turning straight is never going to happen would seem like the best approach.

    As for your second point; regardless of the legalities of consent, I’d say that if his mom finds out, she could still put him in a tight spot if she really decides to fight this nail and teeth.
    Only calling each other when his mother is not present would be the first thing to do. If she checks his phone bills, she might still find out who he’s been talking to, though.
    Perhaps you could just try sending a daily e-mail instead of a phone call? It’s easy enough to set up a separate Gmail account or hotmail account for this. And if you clean your internet history, it’s beyond most parents to find out that such a secondary account even exists, let alone what it’s used for.
     
  12. Elven

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    Why, whats wrong about it? I wouldent say "Noooo!"......
     
  13. Gumtree

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    Ummm.. no?

    I would congratulate the person and wish them the best, perhaps offer my support and knowledge as to what an 18 year old might be thinking and feeling?
     
  14. XxTheNumbOnexX

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    Thnx to everyone for the many gr8 replies!!! They were very very helpful :slight_smile: I should really talk to my grandmother about it...I just don't want to start a conversation with "Hey...umm...u want to know stuff about being gay?" cuz...yeah...that would...kind of...yeah...But I've basically known since I was 13 and had this MAJOR and extremely painful crush on a str8 guy for a long long time...took me FOREVER to stop hating myself at first and asking myself why it happened...but yeah...I started fully accepting it about 2 yrs ago. && About my b/f issues: He can't tlk to me on the phone anymore...but we still talk on IMs...so its ok...&& its not an online relationship if anyones wondering...I have actually SEEN him in real life before but not talked to him...he lives like 30 miles away...the only reason we can't really "hang out" is because of his mom...we are trying though...I'm supposed to tlk to him somewhere(can't say where on here cuz of course this is the internet x.x) Saturday. I don't rlly want him to try to talk to his mother about it though...I'm kind of worried she'd...idk...I really don't know WHAT she would do...I just want him to be happy and shes making him not happy by not accepting him...and btw...its not just a "I think I love you!" relationship...I've been in those...this is a "You make me feel like I'm sure about stuff I was never sure about before. You make my heart feel all new emotions. You make my stomach get butterflies. I'd fight for you. I'd die for you. I could be without you but only if you were happy being without me. If I knew you'd be happier with someone else I'd let you go so you could be with them instead and I'd be fine as long as you were still happy. I'll never let anyone hurt you. I want to take away your pain." relationship...and he feels the same way. Saying "I love you" feels like an understatement...
     
  15. the ry guy

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    I few ways u could try to persue and this is completely up to your discretion (i botched that word) u may even want a second opinion on my opinion but if u get allowance or money, u could go down to ur local post office and rent a PO box and become pen pals just don't use ur real name in the letters say its ur alias or whatever, so instead of putting ur address u'd put ur po box number. and then u can do all kinds of things with that, u could send him letters from the po box or send him the key and mail letters to ur po box and have him go there and pick'm up.

    Also did he turn 15this yr or does he turn 16 this year? or you could go the route of prepaid cell phones for like 20$ and just buy minutes, and don't register them online cause then they can be traced, u can set'm up over the fone and just give bogus info, and don't put ur real names in the fone us alias's wit each others prepaid numbers.

    or just settle for email.

    now what i'm doing is kinda shady and some people may disagree with my ideas so again seek a second opinion of my ideas, don't just go and do it, well whatever you decide i hope it works out for u