Pros Vs Cons of Coming Out

I really don't think there is a best time to come out of the closet it's just something that happens and then you have to deal with it afterwards. It's a brave thing to come out but when you do you'll start to grow in a way you never really thought you could. Good luck!

 

The big pro to coming out is that you can talk freely without having to censor what you say. You can be yourself.

The big con is that there are people in the world who won't accept you as you are.

So, my question to you is, do you know how your new friends would react if they knew? Have they given you any indication about how they feel about homosexuality? And, if they in fact have a negative opinion, would you want them know, even knowing it might cause problems between you?

 

i think you have some chioce about when and where and how you do, its just choosing that right moment with the right people. if that makes any sense. sometimes you just need to blurt it out. but depending on your situation......

;-)

lifes to short, regret nothing.

go for it!

 

I'm in the closet right now (with the door a little open)

cons: not being who you want to be, hiding, and kind of sad that you can't date really.

 

Well, one of the pros of coming out, is that generally those comments stop! My parents and family saying stuff about me going "boy watching", or "so when are you going to have a boyfriend?" and such really, really got on my nerves after a while. There's only so much telling people, "School is my priority right now," that I can take without wanting to scream. =P

And there's definitely a risk people will reject you for being who you are. The question is, can you do without those people in your life? I'm personally of the opinion that anyone who would dissociate themselves from you because of your sexuality aren't worth your time, but when those people are family, that gets trickier. I'm never going to tell my maternal grandmother, for instance (though if she visits and I have a girl over, I'm not gonna hide it). Whether or not the potential backlash is worth it to you, I can't tell you.

I think it's best to tell your parents though, before they cotton on to the fact that you still aren't dating women, and gosh hasn't he been living with his "roommate" for a long time now? If you don't act like it needs to be hidden, it's a lot easier to stand your ground if people react badly. There's enough hostility towards homo- and bisexuality in the world without personal shame undermining you. That's why we have pride parades. =D

I can say though, that one of the pros to being out is that, not only will dating be a hell of a lot easier, but your potential boyfriend will feel less like you're ashamed of him. I see a lot of, "I'm open to everyone about us, but s/he wants to hide! Help!" posts on the various forums I visit. It's stressful dating someone closeted, from what I gather. It's better to have everything out on the table with the people close to you, before you try to bring someone else into your life, I think. =)

And just as a personal thing, before I came out, I was pretty depressed and miserable. I felt like an impostor whenever I did anything, even simple stuff like talking to my parents and friends. I didn't feel like me, but like I was wearing a costume everyone thought was me. Something really irritated me about people making one basic, fundamentally wrong assumption about who I was. And I didn't realize until I was out to everyone important to me exactly how much freer I felt without all that.

I dance in my room at night, I sing in the car again, and I'm a lot more prone to smiling now. I've lost weight. I know who I am, and the people I love know who I am. Everyone's mileage may vary, but for me? It's a pretty astounding feeling, and I know I'm willing to take shit from people who aren't willing to understand that. Because you sure as hell couldn't lure me back in the closet, not for a million dollars. ;P

 

I'm thinking of taking the approach of just waiting until I'm asked. No pressure to find a good time, and it can just be general convo. In fact it would put the pressure on the other person wanting to know.

Then again...what if no one picks up on my hints?? lol, oh life.

 

I completely understand this. I've been there, and I'm sure most of us have. (I'm still leery of telling my female friends, f'rinstance. I don't want to make them afraid I'm gonna hit on them or something. Sure as hell not gonna deny it, though. I figure the rainbow car sticker and the bracelet next semester will say it all for me, anyhoo. =P)

But. If you lose them, for trusting them enough to tell them who you really are, were they really friends in the first place?

The idea of someone rejecting you solely based on one aspect of who you are is really scary. It's hard, especially when you're coming to terms with yourself (which is stressful enough), to think of someone rejecting you entirely because of one part of you.

But that's their problem, not yours. If they're narrow-minded enough that they won't be your friend because you're gay, they weren't worth it in the first place. There are others out there who'll be friends with you for you, and those are the ones you want anyway.

Plus, if they're friends that don't go back a long ways, you can just casually drop hints about it without making it dramatic. (Or just be honest if it comes up in conversation! "Don't you think she's hot?" "No, actually, I'm gay.", "I think she was hitting on you, dude!" "She's barking up the wrong tree, then." That sort of thing.) If you don't act like it's a big deal, they may not think it's a big deal, either. If they do, then they'll just look ridiculous for over-reacting.

 

Yes, most people (like probably 99.9%) will never ask. Asking is pretty taboo in Western/Northern culture.

I always said, after I came out, that if only someone had asked me, seriously (as in not as a joke or as a taunt), whether I was gay, I would have come out way sooner because a) it would have occurred to me as a possibility and b) I would have known that it was a feasible, "okay" possibility for me to be gay in the mind of the person asking. Everyone I've ever said that to has looked at me like I'm crazy and said that that's not something you ask someone, because to ask them would be rude or might drive the person back into the closet, etc etc etc. Personally, while I think on an individual level it is about respecting people, on a broader social level I think it's a form of just passing the buck because overall we're mainly scared to rock the boat. If being gay weren't still such a big deal, then no one would think twice about asking people if they were. The fact that people are so loath to ask, though, leads me to believe it's still seen as being a way more negative thing than certain people would like to have us believe ("Oh gay people have rights and protections and everything is just so great for gay people nowadays! Being gay just isn't that big a deal!"). If it's not so big a deal, why when you suggest openly asking people about their sexuality does the majority of the population look at you like you're the worst kind of shit disturber?

I got lucky--I met a very brash Australian gay guy who basically figured out I was gay in 2 seconds flat and then prodded (ha ha, no not that way) me about it until I caved. Maybe a lot of people would have resented that but it was exactly what I needed.

So waiting for other people to ask? Probably not a very winning strategy.

 

There's a hugely long history of gay people, men and women, throwing themselves into their careers as a way to compensate or to avoid dealing with their sexuality. It's a kind of career over-achievement that is helped out by the fact that until recently, being in a stable gay relationship or having kids was often not an option for gay people.

Everyone I've talked to who's followed that path has at least some regret about it, because in general people find personal/emotional life a lot more satisfying than work life at the end of the day.

It sounds like from your posts in this thread you are pretty ready to come out. The thing is, you will definitely find that some people think less of you when you do--it's next to impossible to avoid that happening in some way, shape, or form. What I always like to remember is that in general, it's impossible to avoid being disliked in life period. If people don't have issues with you because of your sexuality, they'll find fault with your appearance, your age, your gender, your height, your weight, your political views, your religious views, your views on ice cream flavours, etc. *grin*

Andre Gide, right? Surely it's better to be hated for what one is than loved for what one is not?

That being said, sounds like you're kinda adrift in your new environment--it's generally better not to come out without at least somewhat of a support network you can turn to if select (unfortunate) people do reject you when you let them know. Of course, being in a new environment can also be a blessing, because you can make new friends where right off the bat you can present yourself as gay and then there's no transition bumpiness with those people. In a lot of ways, it can be easier to tell someone you don't know that well you're gay because the sting of their potential (though not at all guaranteed) rejection is a lot less threatening. ("What, you don't approve of me being gay? Well screw you, Mr. Whoever You Are Who Barely Knows Me!")

So maybe it's time to make some gay-friendly or even gay friends in your non-Internet life and then see how the people who already know you feel about your revelation. I mean, okay, it is Texas (might have been a bit easier in, say, San Francisco :lol but Houston is a major city and from what I hear, the nice thing about Texans is they are pretty upfront with people, so you will likely know where you stand once you tell people (as opposed worrying over whether someone is talking about you behind your back). If you're at university or university-age, you can connect with a university gay group--those people are not going to have an issue with your sexual orientation, which is always a nice jumping-off point, I find. Or a local youth group. Or a local gay activity group (here in Vancouver we have a gay swim team, a gay men's chorus, a gay & lesbian choir, a gay hockey team, a gay volleyball team, a gay soccer team, a gay ballroom dancing group... you name it, we seem to have it).

As for always having to come out, well yes, when you meet new people, you often eventually have to let them know, but to be honest when you are more comfortable and used to being gay, it won't feel like anywhere near as big a deal as it does now, when you've only told one person. In a lot of ways, it becomes just another part of your life, and so often it's about the same as letting people know you're a Trekkie or that you (barf) like reality TV. *smile*