Ok I don't even know why I'm doing this :dry:. I think I just need to get it out, somewere somehow, before I completely break down. I'm going to warn you now, this is gonna be long, very long, so read at your own risk. I am confused. No not about my sexuality, thank God I have that down...mostly, but about a boy. Cue rolling the eyes and "OMG another one?", I know, it's so cliche by now but whatever. My gaydar is not working so well and I'm just about ready to give up on this all together. I'm tired of hoping and dreaming, of wasting my time wishing, of the countless disappointments I can see coming. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to give up, but I don't really see any other way. I met this boy after I joined a Judo (it's a martial art) club. I don't remember exactly how we met but we became friends pretty quickly I guess because I don't ever remember not being his friend. That was 10 years ago in like 2nd grade. From that point on our families stayed very close, we would go over eachothers' houses often, whether it be for holidays like New Years, popping firecrackers on the driveway, or just for fun because we had nothing else to do that weekend. After a decade we remain best friends, practically brothers. At 13 or so I started noticing boys more than girls. I thought about him at first but I was in denile so I buried that idea. Freshmen year of highschool I accepted my sexuality. I crushed on plenty of other people but he always seemed to be in the back of my mind, the other crushes becoming excuses to stop thinking about him. It was Senior year when I started crushing on him. We were both involved in competitive highschool judo but attended different hischools which ultimately became rivals. This didn't have much impact on us though. At the tournaments we would still go over and talk to eachother, walk around together, and cheer for eachother when one of us was competing (except when our schools challenged eachother of course, then we just stayed quiet). The peak of things came when we both went up to San Fran for a national judo tournament. He went with his dad and sister, I was accompanied by my mother. Because another girl from the same club also came with us, the girls decided to stay in one hotel room and us boys (him, me, and his dad) in another. 3 guys, 2 beds. You do the math. I ended up sleeping in the same bed with my crush :eek:. OMG you have no idea. Nothing happened of course but he did always seem to end up on my side of the bed :icon_wink. During our little trip we also went to Six Flags amusement park. Best part was there was 4 other people in our group to ride with and yet he rode every single ride with me. No questions, no deciding who rides with who, it was basically a given. He was my partner throughout the whole day. During that summer (this past summer) right after our trip, he took another, with just his dad, to Japan for more judo. Going from seeing and being with him nearly every moment of everyday to total isolation for an entire month almost killed me. I was extremely sad and suprisingly worried. I worried that something might happen to him and I wouldn't be there for him. I even prayed for his safety which is weird for me because I don't pray ever. Now he's back and things are...well they're confusing. There was a local tournament just after his return and we both were just watching. I was injured and couldn't play, he was taking a break from competition for a while. We spent the whole day together which was awesome, talking, catching up on things he missed in the month he was gone, just hanging out together. At judo practices we're together often. We practice together even though I'm a good 30lbs bigger (that's kinda a lot) and play around together, making trouble to eachother enough that the hopefull would call it flirting. So what's so confusing? Well, I basically can't tell if it's because he likes me or because we're best friends. It's not like he's totally engrossed with me. Ya he spends time with me but it's not...I guess it's just not obvious enough for me. I know, I know, he's probably not going to make it obvious if he did like me but still... Like take for instance, we go on break and we'll walk to the water fountain together and he'll drink first and leave me, he'll go and walk back alone. I always wait for him, he doesn't wait for me very often. It's the little things like that which offset the other little things that make me hopefull. I just can't tell if he likes me or if he's just being a really good friend. I mean, there's more things that make me wonder if he's gay. Like, in all our many years of being friends, we've never ever once talked about girls ever. Not even like "Wow that girl is hot." not anything. He's never had a girlfriend (that I know of), and although this isn't always an indicator, he's not really a manly man. He's also not feminine but neither am I. I guess another thing is that after San Fran, we've been closer than before. Then again, it could be just me. So that is my predicament. It's not just any old crush, I'm in-love with my best friend and a step in the wrong direction and I might lose that friendship, and I really, really don't want to lose even a tidbit of that. So if I can't tell him, I'm stuck guessing and waiting, hoping and praying. After all my failed crushes I've trained myself not to trust the little things but this time, I can't help it. I see the small, tiny sliver of hope and that keeps him coming up in my mind over and over again. I'm so confused. One side of me says to keep hoping, the other says to knock it off already. I'm conflicted, I don't know what to do, and I'm tired of this stupid limbo I've placed myself in. God have mercy and give me a sign...and let it be in big, bold lettering.
do u plan on telling him that your gay, eventually? if so, that would help figuring out if he is. and omg... u got to sleep in the same bed with your crush??!! LUCKYYYYY
So your decision is a) continue to go with the flow and take it as it comes [least risky, potentially most frustrating, and least fulfilling]; or b) do what you can to gently move things along, such as when you spot a cute guy ask your buddy if he thinks that guy is hot looking. If he sez yes, then you are on your way. If he sez no in a macho way, then you can say, well, in all honesty, I kinda wish I had his good looks, er something like that. Don't take his first no as reflecting reality without confirmation. Not sure about how to "read" how he leaves you at the drinking fountain. Does he walk slowly away, allowing time for you to catch back on, or does he pretty much march along in his own world back to whereever?
Do you have any idea how he feels about gay people? If not,maybe you could bring up a gay issue and see what his response is. Like if you like Adam Lamberts music,you could bring that up. Kinda just feel your way along gay topics. I'm not sure if it'll help,but it may give you an idea where he stands on those issues. I know that's probably not much help,but I tried! All the best to you,hon.
It seems Judo people are generally a nice bunch. I'm good friends with most people in my judo club too. And yeah, crushing or falling in love with someone you're close to causes a lot of agony. Unfortunately without an easy way to resolve it. Be careful when analysing small behaviours. It's very easy to find confirmation of suspicion in every small little throwaway line or look or conversation, but a lot of the time these little things are just coincidences. That doesn't mean you can't hope, obviously. But you already seem to know that. I think that Mickey and Seadog have an idea that might be worth to try out. There's bound to be an excuse to get to the subject of gay matters, without necessarily implying you are gay yourself. It would give you an impression of where he stands. If his reaction is positive you might consider coming out to him someday. I do hope getting it out did help already. Sometimes just telling a story can make the load of it lighter to bear...
Don't freak about no having things figured out. There is NO time limit of getting your life figured out.
"Like take for instance, we go on break and we'll walk to the water fountain together and he'll drink first and leave me, he'll go and walk back alone. I always wait for him, he doesn't wait for me very often. It's the little things like that which offset the other little things that make me hopeful. I just can't tell if he likes me or if he's just being a really good friend. " Okay, with the whole drinking fountain thing, you're over-thinking a little bit. Try not to analyze every little situation. Try to scope him out and see what his opinion on gay people is. Ask him what he thought on prop 8 etc. And if he has never had a girlfriend, talked about opposite sex attraction, or anything else, that's a pretty big hint. ALL without fail of my strait friends flirt, date, or talk about girls. It would be very odd if he did not, and he was strait.
Ok first of all thanks everyone for actually reading that and responding. Now almost all of you have suggested talking about gay (for lack of a better word) stuff like gay people, rights, marriage, etc. That seems like a very good suggestion...but I don't think I could do that. It's not that I can't talk about it, it's just that it'd be extremely awkward. Hell, if he asked me about, say prop8, my reaction would be ":icon_eek:...umm...what?!" A topic like that simply does not fit into our conversations and would do more to out me than him. Not saying I think he might turn out homophobic or anything. It'd just be way too awkward. I think I will try to talk to him more about his personal life if I ever get the chance to talk one-on-one. Not much of that comes up either but I believe it'd be an easier topic to slip in there. I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend but I guess I'll find that out for sure, that and if he's liked someone before, if he likes someone now, etc. Hopefully once he answers (truthfully) I'll be able to get a better picture of his sexuality. For now I guess I'll just take things in stride. The only thing is I don't know whether I should try to be close to him, or not care and just be a regular friend. To show intimacy and the slight notion that I have feelings for him is a complete leap of faith. If he's straight, nothing happens and I'm left disappointed, again. But if he does like me, things have a chance of progressing. On the other hand, if he's straight and I be "just a friend", I've essentially given up and might be able to move on (which is good because he's straight). But if he likes me, it makes him just as confused as I am. We are put in the same predicament becuase of mixed signals and nothing happens, or worse yet, he starts giving up and things take a few steps backward. I know, I sound a bit whiny but thank you everyone.
COME OUT! You are trying to find out your friend's interests and possible secrets without once talking about your underlying big secret...not that you are crushing on him, but that you are gay. Isn't that a bit unfair? It seems to always be recommended that people come out to crushes first, which provides a lot more openness so that the next stage - figuring if a crush can go anywhere further or needs to be suppressed - is clearer.
Not that one! A different one! A different one! :eusa_doh:... When I first read the post I was...unsettled a bit. "You're not god :dry:. 'All's fair in love and war.' I can't come out to him, you don't understand, I just can't. I'm going to talk to him anyway." But then I thought about it. And unfortunately you're right. It would be unfair wouldn't it. If things were switched, how would I answer my own questions. I couldn't tell the entire truth. Hell, I would tell him I had a girlfriend before, which would put any gay hopes down. So if I can't do it, how would I expect him to, whether he likes me or not. So if I can't do that, I have no other game plan except...come out. And truthfully it's not that I can't, it's that I'm scared. I love him to death and I'm so scared that coming out to him would ruin what close friendship we have now. I'm scared that I'll lose him forever. I'm more scared of coming out to him than anyone else because he means more to me than even my own family. If my parents shunned me I'd be pissed. If he shunned me I'd cry. Great, now I'm even more stuck. Nothing to do but the one thing I don't want to do the most. Thanks a lot. No but really olides84 that was the best advice so far. Thank you. I don't know how the hell I'm ever going to do this, but thank you.
We've all felt that way. It seemed impossible to come out to people. We'd rather be alone, we'd rather move, we'd rather die than come out. We've all been there. But at some point in time, you'll get comfortable enough with yourself that you'll do it. Being gay doesn't change you at all. You've been gay all along. I know if would hurt to lose this friend, but from what I've heard, you wouldn't lose him anyway. He sounds pretty cool. If he were super homophobic, you'd have heard that from him by how - and you haven't. I'd agree that you're probably approaching the point in time where it makes sense for you to come out. Only then can you really find out if your friend is also gay. (Remember that the odds are against you - but stranger things have happened.) Good luck.
Another possible approach would be to find the right time to say: Hey Bob, I've been thinking of asking you a very personal question. Have you ever thought about messing around (sexually) with another guy? [rhetorical question, don't wait for an answer] Cuz I've been thinking it is something I'd like to try with you if you think you might be interested in trying it, just to see what its like. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way, and I'm not saying I'm gay or I think you are, or anything, cuz I really don't think labels fit. I was just wondering if you felt interested in messing around to see what its like. If not, that's perfectly fine too, cuz I really value you as a friend and I don't want to hurt our ability to have fun." If he's open to that, then you've opened the relationship to a new threshold, one unencumbered by labels and the baggage that goes with them. And your relationship can grow from there. Or he sez no, and you've not [hopefully] lost anything. Note that we often feel that we have a good friendship yet we don't trust our friends with our deepest secrets, i.e. our sexuality. I dream of a day, coming soon, when we all accept one another's sexuality without the encumbrances of social judgment. I dream of the day when NO ONE would say "I would not choose to be gay" as if it were something bad or to be avoided. I believe our sexuality, although PERCEIVED to be in the minority, is BEAUTIFUL, and is not somthing we would otherwise avoid. Now I understand that we would all not choose to deal with the denial, hiding, depression, rejection, etc. etc. etc, but in my thinking, our sexuality is the occasion but not the cause of those life-depriving evils. Urrrggghhhhhhh. If we could all just do what Jesus really taught, "just love," don't hate, and leave the judging to God.
why not just get into a conversation about sex, and get his opinion on male/male sex? you're best friends, right?
He is your friend. Your Best friend it sounds like...... IDK about you but if i think a friend i better be able to tell him i hit his mom with a car and he go well no worries. If he is a real good friend things will not change for anything but the better by coming out to him. If he accepts you your good, if he comes out to you in return or takes interest you may be able to move the relationship along, if he rejects you (which i highly, HIGHLY doubt) then you lose a friendship that wasn't as good as you thought. REAL friends will accept you for who you are and realize you are no different before they knew than after. Basically Coming out to him will not make you lose anything you wouldn't want to lose. But like i said I have 100% confidence nothing bad will come of coming out to him all you have is a way to improve your friendship DO IT. And let us know what happens It is scary for everyone to come out to anyone but when you get it done you will feel 1000x better and it will only be for the best (*hug*)
You're welcome, I enjoy playing God And I agree wholeheartedly with Austin (beachboi92). The way you described your relationship with him, I really doubt that you will have a negative reaction (uncomfortableness maybe). In fact, the only reason I could foresee a negative reaction is if he is in fact gay as well, but not as comfortable with it as you are, and so he rejects based on that internalized homophobia. Good luck.
Well you could ask him if he ever thought about having a girlfriend, and then maybe he will just tell you or just ask him logical questions i guess. But if i were you i wouldnt crush on him anymore, what you two have is friendship you are great friends and you should enjoy it, i for one would like a friend who would hang out with me all the time and you seem to have that, if you want come out to him but you may suffer the consequences or you may have a good result.
I went through something similar.The best advice I could give you is to try to come out to him. That way if he's gay too he'll feel more comfterble talking about it. And I mean if he truly is your best friend then he shouldnt care that you're gay.
i went through all this agony.. and I still find myself going through this again. Although not with the 'straight' bestfriend sort of thing all the time. It's really tiring and frustrating when you go round the bush trying to chase each other or maybe you trying to chase him (finding this 'something' about him) and sometimes don't you think if it's really worth it. I mean, sometimes i just feel like do I really have to go through all this agony? it's either i give up and just leave things at that (unfulfilling and wouldn't really do anything) then try to forget and tell myself that I am worth more than this? if there's a man out there who likes me then he should come in time. That's what I end up telling myself. but the other route is to just be brave, and do something for a change. Just suck it all up, forget about the past and just do something different. You'll never now. In short, it's to just come out. Period. Just tell. I did this a few times, and so far i've had pretty good reactions. First time i did it was with a really good friend from highschool who i had a huge crush on. usual story. Trying to read into things, and sometimes reading too much into it. So i just finally came out (through YM). Typed it, looked at that sentence for a minute, laughed hard, felt hysterical, then just let my finger drop to press send. jeez, the feeling when I did this was totally liberating and unreal. when this was done, it's true that relationships are "give and take". He responded well, asked a few questions and later he told me that he was confused and is probably bi at the most. We're very good friends now. He has a girlfriend.
