Paralyzed by fear

This post makes me sad. I think I am just a couple steps ahead of you in the whole coming out process. I went back and forth on my thinking for years, and finally am at the point where I am ok with it. I have told a few people close from me, and received ok responses.

My hope for you, is that you become ok with it. And you can start slowly putting yourself out there. Running from yourself for the rest of your life could just be scary, and lonely. Let yourself be who you are!!!

 

This may be a long-winded response

I would urge you to consider looking around for a Gay/Straight Alliance or something similar.

There is a Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays in Minneapolis/St. Paul (http://www.pflagtc.org/) and that would be a place to start for talking to someone. Everyone there would be open and accepting and it's highly unlikely you'd run into anyone you know personally.

I also toyed with the idea of never entering into a relationship. I thought that no one in my life would ever understand how I feel and that no one would be okay with it. I was afraid of losing everyone. I decided NOT to continue down that path however. It was too painful...being alone in life is no way to go. It is possible, yes, but dull and lonely.

I told some friends and their reaction was FAR better than I had thought. Even my extremely devout Catholic friend (no offense to any Catholics here, I was going off a stereotype at the time) whom I thought would NEVER accept me said she still loved me as a person and wanted our friendship to continue. People reacted much better than I though. People can be surprising.

Like I said, I'd consider joining an LGBT group of some kind....I know it helped me immensely. Go to a university's LGBT office even. Someone there will be able to give you information.

Sorry that was so long. I hope it helped!

 

Although I never faced what you're going through,I know many others who have.
I do know that coming out and living your life as you were meant to is very hard.
I think that the other posters had some good ideas to help you.
PFLAG is a good start. I was thinking that maybe talking to a professional could help a lot,too.
Nobody should have to be alone,whether never having a relationship or to keep hiding who they truly are.
It's great that you found this site. It has helped so many people.
I truly wish you all the best. Please reconsider your decision on remaining alone all your life. Remember,you have as much right to have a happy life,as anyone else does.

 

The words you speak have truth. That doesn't make them THE truth, though.

There IS more to life than love. There's also more to life than eating. But that doesn't mean there's no reason to eat. And you do enter the world alone and leave alone. But you also enter and leave Disneyland by the front gate. It's all the shit you do between those two moments that matters. You can walk in, sit down by the gate and wait until the day to end. Or you can get in there, get on some rides, and have a really fucking good time while you're at Disneyland.

I don't know your backstory, or why you feel at 30 there's no way you can come out and live a fun, productive, healthy life as an out gay man. I know plenty of gay men (including a couple in Minnesota) who have done so. And I have yet to meet a guy who really regretted coming out. Some feel it wasn't done in the best way, and others felt very lost upon coming out, simply because they were in a new and unfamiliar place. But eventually, they grew more accustomed to their newfound place, and grew to love it. No, it didn't solve all their problems. But it did get them to a better place.

You say no one suspects you're gay. If you're 30, and you haven't dated women (much) over the past twelve years, I can guarantee the idea has crossed the mind of several people in your life. And even if they don't suspect, so what? They're your friends, right? They don't hang out with you and accept you because you're straight. They hang out with you and accept you because you're YOU. And if it ends up that MCP is gay instead of straight, so what? There might be a period of adjustment as they get used to the info, but eventually, you'll still be the same guy you were before.

Lex

 

MCPacker, I feel bad becuase you remind me of myself so much.
I pushed my feelings down since at 12, and I suffered all kinds of emotional and physical problems.

I would get constant stomach aches such. It isn't easy coming out. I know you think you live your life hiding forever, I thought I could, but I AM happier now that people know who I am. There has to be one person in your life you can come out to.

 

Thanks for your honesty. I haven't read all your posts, but this one seems to be getting at the heart of the matter, where as before you were perhaps skirting around the issue.

Many of us have been where you are right now.

"No one suspects that I am gay." Well, try having been married for 9 years with 2 kids. NOBODY suspected I was gay - not even me for the longest time. I know that sounds weird, but I was SO deep in denial that I couldn't even contemplate the fact that I might be gay.

"I have absolutely no one in my life that I feel comfortable discussing all this with." That's probably because even you don't feel comfortable discussing it yet. And that's normal. But hanging out here will make you feel better about your situation. It's not a bad thing, despite what society in general has convinced you of over the years. You'll find that once you're comfortable with being gay, what other people think won't matter nearly as much. Eventually we reach a point where it's more uncomfortable to stay in the closet than it is to tell people - so we tell people. Until then, don't worry about it.

"There is more to life than love. You enter this world alone and you leave it alone." I felt that way for the longest time too. But then I met my wife, and it was good to have someone in my life. But it never felt quite right. I wasn't convinced that I loved her as much as she seemed to love me, for some reason. And eventually I figured out why. I was meant to love another man. And when I met my boyfriend, THEN I knew what love was all about. And it's pretty incredible.

My favourite musical is Les Miserables. I think it's the very last line that goes "To love another person is to see the face of God." (It gives me goosebumps just typing that! I always tear up at the end!) For most of my life I didn't know what that meant. But the last couple of years, now that I'm free to love the person I'm meant to love, I have begun to understand it. It's really quite powerful and beautiful. I hope everyone has the opportunity to experience it.

So keep working on you. The rest of the stuff will follow. Don't be committing yourself to a life of celibacy quite yet.

 

Well - putting your toe in the water at EC is a good start. Just talking with other people and getting an insight into their experiences is a good start.

I'd suggest you keep an open mind on what the future may hold - and don't condemn yourself to celibacy if you actually desire a relationship. Just try and get used to the idea that there are many people in all sorts of relationships other than 'purely straight'. Just because they may not conform to what you have been brought up to believe is the 'societial norm' doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with them. There are many people here - and in life around you - who are living proof that they can work and be fulfilling.