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You helped start it - and now it's over. Need support badly for a 'break up'.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by midnight, Aug 24, 2009.

  1. midnight

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    Hi everyone, back in January I posted this:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19919

    You were all fantastic and really gave me some excellent advice in a time where I was very confused. This might get kind of long now that I've sat down to write this and I do apologize. But I could really use some support right now. My girl/friend just left the house to go take a drive because I made her so upset. I'm also pretty upset.

    If you don't read the other post, that's okay, basically my friend of 10 years told me she had feelings for me after I came out a lesbian to her. I was shocked, I had no idea. It was the greatest feeling ever though and we even talked about getting married a couple years from now after we'd made the transition from friend to in a relationship.

    Things were great at first. She told her mom and I told mine. She knew I had some intimacy issues because I've never been in a serious relationship, so she would constantly be asking me if she could hold my hand in the car and hugging me and stuff. She really made quite an effort which I appreciated. From my end, I'm more comfortable with communication than most, so I would constantly tell her exactly how I was feeling and ask her questions about her feelings to keep an open line of communication. For Valentine's day I bought her a moderately expensive necklace and I was thinking of taking her on a drive to go look at the stars in a canyon here, but I decided it might be too soon for that. We were in college then and we we hold hands in school and hug. Everything seemed to be going well and I felt very right and good about it.

    Then suddenly, everything stopped. I don't know the exact second it did, but she stopped holding my hand, stopped hugging me. I was still communicating and would ask her if everything was okay, and she would tell me it was. As time went on it was more and more obvious that it wasn't. So I started to get nervous and insecure. I stopped communicating how I felt because I was positive she just wasn't into me and didn't have the heart to tell me.

    Finally, after far too long I worked up the nerve over a computer instant message to talk to her about it. She said she noticed that she wasn't being affectionate anymore either. I said after all this time I would have figured we would have gotten somewhere. I asked if she was attracted to me, actually. We got into a fight and she got very upset and declared that this was for sure what she wanted and she was in love with me and she needed more time. I told her that the relationship is awkward because we've been friends for too long and it's going to take some real effort but is going to be so worth it in the end. All I asked is that she openly communicate her feelings with me. Even if she had to do it online or through email, so I know where she stands and that everything is okay. I told her her decline in caring from January had made me insecure and she really needed to acknowledge our relationship more.

    Time passes and nothing happens. Nothing affection and no communicate from her. Many more fights happened, one every other month or so. Same thing. She assures me she wants a relationship and I tell her we'll keep working on it and that we just need to communicate more and make more of an effort.

    In March, we got a group of online friends. We didn't really have mutual online friends before. We start playing a rp game with them and spend most nights chatting. More months pass and we all become very good friends. She never tells them I'm her girlfriend though, just a roommate and nothing more. All the girls we become friends with flirt with each other playfully all the time. One of our closer friends is bisexual and brings up her ex-girlfriend quite a lot, but she never uses this to mention we're in a relationship or anything. It's almost as if I don't exist.

    I tell her this is bothering me in June. I ask her why she doesn't playfully flirt with me or even acknowledge we're supposedly more than friends. She says she doesn't know.

    One of the online friends decides to move in with us in July. She plans to move out here in September, which still stands as of now.

    September gets closer. I tell her that we should be open with her about our relationship because it would be awkward or just plain wrong for her not to know. She agrees. We plan to stage something on twitter or somewhere that lets everyone know we're together.

    It's August now and she never talked to me again about it. Keep in mind, whenever we discuss something I 100% always start it.

    I've had enough. Tonight I'm reading a travel site about all these romantic things that couples do while we travel and I realize it will never be like this for me with her. I am not the most affectionate person on earth, but I am miles away from her. I decide I need to end this. I'm young and I want to be open minded about finding a girlfriend. I don't even look at girls now, it's just different knowing your single even though we never did anything. I think maybe I can find someone, there's nothing wrong with me. I tell her this.

    She gets upset. Very upset. I understand, but I'm a bit perplexed as to why. She could have had me many times, but refuses to do anything. This has been going on since January, my god, I don't know what she wants. She never asked for a second chance though. Which secretly made me feel bad for myself. Actually, not so secretly, I told her, I was actually slightly disappointed she didn't 'fight for me'. She said she's stalling my life and can't do that to me anymore. She says she wants me to be happy with someone else and she doesn't think she can change. I tell her she can change, but she never tried. I think it's just a line she's saying not to hurt my feelings, but she swears it wasn't.

    This was 30 minutes ago. She's gone now to take a drive even though I really asked her to stay. But she had to do what she had to do and I hope she's okay. I am upset she didn't ask for another second, but I also realize this had to end. I don't want to waste my life and I wasted almost a year of it with her. I honestly do believe we could have been the best thing ever. We have similar life goals and I really thought we could marry each other. I do think I must be in love with her and it hurts my heart to do this, but I know in my mind it's the right thing.

    I had told her I just needed to hold hands or simple emails where we discussed things from time to time. She knew she didn't need to do much, but she didn't do it. I am seriously very laid back and I know starting a relationship with someone you knew as a friend when you were 12 was going to be weird. But also beautiful. She didn't want it, I guess, even though she insists she does still.

    I think we both have problems with being affectionate. But the thing is, I've seen her become affectionate with boyfriends she's had in the past. I know there's definitely a learning curve with a friend, but since January I expected a little more or at least communication as to why. I had no problems telling her I was nervous all the time and I know not everyone is as good at expressing their feelings, but she could have sent an email or something on occasion right? There is something very wrong with her never saying anything to our online (soon to be real life) friends, right?

    I feel like I screwed up badly, but I couldn't go on in this twilight of nothingness, as I like to think of it. I did the right thing right? I'm just so upset and afraid I messed up a chance to be with my soul mate, but you have to understand I really really tried for her and I really tried for this to work.

    Did I do the right thing?

    Anyone have any idea why someone would put someone through this?

    I don't want to lose her as a friend now. I can't. I don't want to harbour resentment. I need to move on and I don't know what to do. Anyone want to go out? :confused:
     
    #1 midnight, Aug 24, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2009
  2. xequar

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)

    I'm sorry that it's gone as it has. But, I think you're doing the right thing. It sounds as though you gave it a good effort that she was unwilling to reciprocate.

    Don't take this as an attempt to villainize her, but it sounds to me like she doesn't really know what she wants right now. The thing about relationships is they're somewhat binary, as in you either have to be committed to it or not have it at all. The middle "kind of" ground doesn't work, as you've very clearly discovered and communicated here. My estimation is that she does have feelings for you on some level, but she is not ready to switch her mind over to relationship mode. As part of that, she's sort of stringing you along because she doesn't want to be single, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but she doesn't want to miss out. In short, she doesn't know what she wants.

    That said, it's not fair of her to string you along as she has. If you've communicated over all this time what you're looking for out of the relationship and she's not up to that level of committment, then I think it's right to move on.

    Now, just for the sake of conversation, is it at all possible that you came on too thick or were too "clingy?" I'm not at all trying to accuse or imply that you were, but sometimes what seems like good communication to one partner seems clingy and needy to the other. Some people withdraw to figure things out, and they don't like to talk until they figure out for themselves what they're feeling. Others like to talk everything through as that's how they figure things out. Like I said, I'm not saying that's at all the case here, as I don't know, but it's worth a mention.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Sorry to hear things went the way they did.

    Don't think of it as a 'waste' of a year. You've learned lots. I'm sure you've had soem good times. You have come to realize what's important to you in a relationship. That will make finding your next partner easier. It wasn't a waste at all.

    Remember that we all move a different speeds. Perhaps she hasn't adjusted to being in a same-sex relationship as quickly as you have come to terms with that. You can't blame her for that.

    I hope you can maintain your friendship. Good luck.
     
  4. midnight

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    Thank you for your input. I don't think I was too clingy. At times I would go a month in-between even bringing the topic up. All the while I was waiting for her to make a move on her own, for her to bring it up on her own, or do something. I think it caused me to become very resentful, but I still didn't do anything. If anything, I think I was way too patient.
     
  5. ColdSnap

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    Thats such a genuinely hard thing to do, it's so easy to fall into all sorts of self destructive patterns when you feel like that about someone, but to listen to your head and act for what's best despite the pain is so so hard.

    you've definitely done the right thing and i'm so so proud of you, and by the sounds sounds of things you're a girl who really has her head screwed on, and you deserve someone to have a mature and fulfilling relationship, which I don't think you're ex could provide.

    alll the best and lots of love x x :kiss:(&&&)
     
  6. midnight

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    Thank you. I'd hug you back, but I'm not sure where the emoticon is.

    It makes things very difficult because we live together. I thought since nothing ever really happened between us, our friendship could go back to normal relatively quickly. But I haven't seen her and she hasn't spoken to me in almost 2 days now, which is not good considering how small this place is. She's also not going to work. I'm not sure what to do. At first I didn't think I should approach her, because she should have some time to herself to sort out her feelings, but I don't know how long I should leave her alone for.

    I mean, I'm upset, too, but... well I'm upset thinking about the kind of future we could have had that got wrecked and kind of like, "what if". I'm not sure what she's so upset about, because it was more or less entirely her doing and she still had the power to turn it around.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    You're friend needs to talk to someone. If she's not even going to work, she's obviously very upset about something. Let her know that you're there for her, and that you could help her find some help to get her through this.

    It would seem that she has some pretty deeply rooted problems with intimacy and communication. You're not going to be able to 'fix' her yourself. She needs to seek help for herself.

    I'm sure it's horribly awkward living together with her like that. Remember that SHE controls HER attitude. Nobody can influence it other than her. Likewise, you need to focus on yourself and getting through this as best as you can for yourself.