(Haza I posted this in Anonymous spot but it is to a point I need some answers now. If you can some help please) I know I have way to much self pity and all that but right now my head is very messed up. I have not been able to think straight for the past few days. I keep losing track of time and getting angry way to fast. I don't know what is wrong. I want to talk to someone about it but I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know me anymore. When I look into a mirror I don't see myself anymore. I see a person who has my face but not my mind. I am starting to distance myself from friends once more and I don't know if they have caught on. I am a good actress in that way. I am also struggling in finding my own religion that means something to me. I do know for the most part I am a pagan and I have strong faith in faeries but it is hard to find a non-Wicca faith. I guess you could say I am starting to see the world in gray. I want to brake down and cry but I just don't seem to have any tears. I feel alone even if I am not. I feel without gender so most of me feels rejected anyways. I don't know what to do. I have done some burnings on my skin but I am not addicted. I have cut myself a few times but I can't bleed. I just fall into something like not being when I get depressed. I give up on life but I am not going to kill my shell is how i look at it. I feel like a ghost when I do that even if people don't see it. I feel it. I want to talk to someone but I don't have the funds to go seek a doctor or psychologist. How do I deal with this? I just turned 21 and I feel worse then I did last year. I mean I have kinda always been like this but I have not been this bad. I hate rejection but always put myself in places where I will be. I don't know what to do. I know this sucks for people to read about my self pity but I don't know. I mean to tell the truth I am not going to tell you 100% of what I am doing to myself or what I have done. I just feel like I am crying out for attention. I don't want that. I just want someone to talk to. I hate being lonely that scares me worse then being dead. (this is all something I posted before hand on another site below is something I am adding so you can better understand) When I do look at what I write I analyze it myself and start to hate myself more. I feel like an fool crying for attention even if I don't mean to. I want to meet people who are around my age and talk to them but face to face. I am also bored with my life now. I have strong urges to move but no motivation to do so. I keep saying "I" "I" "I" over and over and I hate it. If this makes any sense what so ever I don't know what to do. When I lose track of time it is more like I forget there was time. I can't think on dates and such anymore. For the most part next week I won't know what I did this week. In some post I read somewhere someone put down they feel worse depressed when night falls that happens to me but I can't do anything about it. I can't get a car due to the fact I can't drive well. I just need help. If you can please try to help me. I don't like myself right now and I don't want to be this way around my friends cuz it feel like i am just asking for pity and I am not I want help. I don't know any other way to show it. If I keep doing this and analyzing myself I don't know what I will do.:help:
