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Should I sacrifice my personal beliefs for one of my close friends?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MusicIsLife, Aug 31, 2009.

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  1. MusicIsLife

    MusicIsLife
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    Long story short, cause this is nothing new that im posting about: one of my best friends is getting married. Shes 19, the guy is 29. I do not agree with it. I just get a bad vibe from this guy, and I keep wondering: what does a 19-year-old man want with a gir 10 years younger than her?

    She claims it'll be a "four year engagement" so that she can finish University first, but something tells me that's not gonna happen.

    Now all of a sudden she's literally forcing me to be her maid of honor. This is making me have an internal battle because I do not agree with marriage, I do not like the guy, and I feel like she's making a huge mistake.

    I don't know how to tell her no, without her harassing me into a yes.

    What should I do? Abandon my beliefs to make her happy, or voice my opinions and hold my ground?
     
    #1 MusicIsLife, Aug 31, 2009
  2. littledinosaurs

    littledinosaurs
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    It's her wedding, so if she wants to marry him then be there for her.
    And if she decides down the road she wants to divorce him then be there for her again.
     
    #2 littledinosaurs, Aug 31, 2009
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    Two thoughts:

    1. The marriage decision is hers, not yours. You can voice your objections and talk about the reasons for them, but ultimately it is her choice. If you value her as a friend, you won't try to put conditions on your friendship. Saying "I will only be your friend/participate in your wedding if you marry someone I approve of" is pretty conditional. So I'd say, make your argument as strongly and as solidly as you can, and if she doesn't agree with you, drop it and support her fully, if you care about her as your friend.

    2. If your objection to this relationship is *solely* based on age, then it would be wise to think again. You are correct that a 10 year age difference at her age is a pretty big deal, but there are certain relationships that are exceptions to the majority and can actually be healthy. Spend some time with the two of them and get a feeling for how they interact. Is there an obvious power imbalance? Are there control issues going on? Does she seem unusually dependent or needy around him? Those are all signs that the relationship isn't healthy and are worth pointing out to her. But if you see two people who seem to have a healthy, balanced relationship without signs of dysfunction or codependence, then the age by itself shouldn't be a factor.
     
    #3 Chip, Aug 31, 2009
  4. MusicIsLife

    MusicIsLife
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    it's not really the "omg shes marrying someone so much older than her" thing thats freaking me out. the initial shock of that has passed. She is very, very codependant of him, but thats not exactly whats bothering me. Whats mostly bothering me is she's made me Maid of honour without even asking me or anything. After taking part in my aunt's wedding I swore never to do it again. I hate weddings. And I don't really know how to tell her no without hurting her feelings.

    :/ I should have been more clear in my first post...sorry!
     
    #4 MusicIsLife, Aug 31, 2009
  5. Jack2009

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    That's unavoidable to hurt her feelings, unless she sees you as replaceable and not a "true" friend to begin with. She's going to think, "I can't believe that my best friend I ask for my wedding has turn me down... I guess we were never friends to begin with *looks out into space*, I will never let her know how I feel about this... she had hurt me beyond words!"

    Yep... there's no way on going about this. But you can say, "Oh you should had ask me first, I have arrangements with my cousin's wedding. **look at her reaction; if its safe ask her** Do you mind?"

    Unless its too late.
     
    #5 Jack2009, Aug 31, 2009
  6. littledinosaurs

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    I still think you should do it for her.
     
    #6 littledinosaurs, Aug 31, 2009
  7. Tokarov

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    It's her decision not yours. Be a good friend and roll with it.
     
    #7 Tokarov, Aug 31, 2009
  8. SilhouetteDream

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    Like the others have said, I don't think there's much you can do.
    Perhaps say something like, "were really young, and we have our whole lives in front of us, but if you are sure this is what you want, if this will ultimately make you happy, it makes me happy too."
    As a friend, you just have to let her know you're there for her. Especially being the maid of honor, it shows that she really does love you as a friend, and you should embrace that.
    Just remind her that you're always there for her, and that you wish her the best. Then just deal with that one night, with a big smile on your face, just to let her know you're there for her and support her.
    That's what our whole family had to do for my aunt, who married a complete..well yah know. Just have to let her know you're always there for her, by being there on her wedding day.
     
    #8 SilhouetteDream, Aug 31, 2009
  9. Lexington

    Lexington
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    How exactly does someone "make you be maid of honor without even asking"?

    Lex
     
    #9 Lexington, Aug 31, 2009
  10. Chip

    Chip
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    I know what she means by that. Most brides will *ask* someone to be their maid of honor, but sometimes they just *assume* that someone will, and may announce it to their friends or whatever, which sort of makes it difficult and tacky to back out.

    I guess I'm a little torn because, if something like the above is the case, I HATE those sorts of passive-aggressive tactics and generally respond negatively to them... but in this case, you're talking about a friend, who obviously wants you as maid of honor because she likes you and trusts you.

    The other thing is... if this wedding is really 4 years off, and she's 19, then the whole thing is a fantasy. Sooooo much can happen in 4 years, you might as well just humor her, and maybe in the intervening time, she'll get some therapy, realize she's codependent, dump her bf, and find someone more healthy :slight_smile:
     
    #10 Chip, Sep 1, 2009
  11. Eleanor Rigby

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    First thing, I understand that you are worried about your friend choice. But remember that it's her choice. I can understand that you see reasons why you think it's a mistake for her to marry him, but you also have to remember that you see it from the outside.
    Nobody really knows what's really happening in a couple, except the members of this couple.
    Several of my friends and members of my family didn't really want me to marry my husband. They had their reasons for that and I can't say thay were entirely wrong to be worried for me. What they didn't take in account is that I was aware of the reasons why they thought I shouldn't marry my husband, and I choosed to marry him anyway, because I loved him and I thought that I would be more happy with him than without him, even if he didn't sound the perfect guy for me.
    I think you should talk to your friend about your worries, but if she want to marry that guy anyway, there is nothing you can do about it. You'll just have to respect her choice and try to be supportive if things don't turn fine.

    The other thing is that you are not obliged to be her maid of honor if you don't want to.
    Explain her that you'll feel very ill at ease in that role, that it doesn't mean you don't love her but that you'll prefer someone else to do it.
    I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor for my wedding. For some reasons, she couldn't make it. She even didn't come to the wedding. It made me sad, but I accepted it and I never blamed her for that.
    I think that between friends, everything can be said, as long as it is done with respect.
    It's not easy to turn your friend down, but I definitly think you should discussed it with her. If you don't think you should be her maid of honor, it's probably better for both of you that you don't accept.

    I wish you good luck with your friend. Take care, Eleanor
     
    #11 Eleanor Rigby, Sep 1, 2009
  12. MusicIsLife

    MusicIsLife
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    Thanks for all the responses everyone, so here's what I'm going to do:

    Since I've already voiced my dislike for this guy more than once, I will drop it. In terms of the Maid of Honour thing, I'm going to tell her no, I won't do it, but if this wedding ends up happening I'll still show up to support her.
     
    #12 MusicIsLife, Sep 1, 2009
  13. malachite

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    Tell her your feelings. Let her know you are concerned, but don't try to talk her out anything. All you can really do is be there for her.
     
    #13 malachite, Sep 1, 2009
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