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Greetings... Maybe someone here knows what i am.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Pseudojim, Sep 6, 2009.

  1. Pseudojim

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    Yo

    Well, here goes.

    I've always been a little blurred when it comes to gender. Mentally, not physically (i'm 6'3" and relatively broad). I've never acted like the typical 'manly' man. Always loved judy garland, romantic movies, jewellery, and always been able to empathise very well with women, agree with them when they talk about male shortcomings, etc etc... while at the same time loving contact sport, watching cricket, the taste of beer, and having a sly perv at women, and being able to empathise with guys regarding the typical shortcomings of chicks. Often people who first meet me have the impression i am gay just from the way i behave (this is still a mystery to me). This last point is also true of my brother, though i believe him to be quite straight. Can't be sure.

    I'm 24 now and have only just accepted that i'm bisexual... I think. As a matter of fact i only just came out to my best friend yesterday.

    I had a good education, in VERY good schools. I went to academically selective schools form the age of 9 onward and was exposed to nothing but other bright kids. However, homosexuality was never socially accepted. For kids the word "gay" was universally used as a perjorative term, and real homophobia against the few brave souls coming out in high school was rampant. The younger kids learned it from the older kids and it was simply passed down the chain. In early high school, sex education was taught and homosexuality was introduced as an acceptable form of human behaviour, but the cultural homophobia was already well and truly embedded by then.

    Being the mentally androgynous and pretty-faced guy i am, I've been the butt of gay jokes for a long, long time, which have always elicited strenuous denial from me of course. I love chicks; how can i be gay? This has cultivated an attitude of denial within me, which somewhat remains to this day and will take a long time to banish. Jokes, even lighthearted ones from my politically incorrect (but open minded) best friend which are intentionally bigoted for ironic humour value (he makes racist, sexist, everything-ist jokes as well but in reality just does it for the shock value, he's very egalitarian), have always contributed to this denial.

    I'm sure it was being brought up in that environment which has made it take a decade (give or take) of repression before the acknowledgement of the nature of my attractions. And not only that, i am still terrified. My sexuality is my own business and everyone else can mind their own, I know it's logical to feel that way, at least. but in coming out to my mate, i felt the need to stress that i'm a straight-leaning bisexual (which seems to be true, but why should i need to clarify?). The cultural fear runs deep.

    My father is also ignorant of the nature of any form of same-sex attraction, does not believe bisexuals exist and is mildly homophobic.

    Anyways, riddle me this.

    I LOVE chicks. I am really, really attracted to them, all different sorts. I know for a fact that I love hips, tits, smooth skin, everything. So, that rules out 'gay'. And I like a wide variety of personalities. I like quiet and shy and coy, but also loud and fun and in-your-face girls.

    When it comes to men it is very different. Or so it seems. First of all, i am extremely particular about the guys i like; they're very pretty, often high cheek boned... and they have to be masculine, gentle, sensitive, smart, but also sure of themselves... i don't want to pursue, i want to be pursued. And it can't just be for my looks. I need to have both mental attraction and physical attraction. So not many guys have fit the bill for me so far. As a matter of fact i can't really think of any offhand that i know personally.

    I don't know how to define my lust for males. lol, how much can i say here? Cover your ears, children. I have the desire to have receptive sex with a male but none at all to penetrate one. I don't know how i feel about oral at all, at the moment the prospect of either giving or receiving terrifies me. I don't even want to kiss a man, but i don't know if that's due to fear and repression or genuine lack of desire. How do i know the difference?

    Also i have a thing for celebrities. i would do ANYTHING with johnny depp, jake gyllenhaal, jude law, or orlando bloom, for example, including kissing, which i THINK i have the strongest general aversion to.

    So there lies the riddle. wtf am i? If i lust after famous beautiful males, why don't i lust after the attractive men i meet in my day to day life?
     
    #1 Pseudojim, Sep 6, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2009
  2. Tokarov

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    You want to be pursued? lol. ok.

    I wish I could help you. Good luck man.

    If I could define from what I read you would be Bisexual with lack of interest. Only for certain people kind of guy.
     
  3. Pseudojim

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    not sure i get the significance of that...
     
  4. Bradley James

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    That's actually pretty much my story too... I know I'm bi, I've had a boyfriend, I'd like another boyfriend, but I'm more attracted to girls than guys... something like a 60/40 split in favor of women. The guy has to be just that little bit extra special to get something from me...
     
  5. Pseudojim

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    did doing anything with a man for the first time terrify you? It terrifies me.
     
  6. Tokarov

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    I'm going off what you gave us to read. You said you would do ANYTHING with certain celebrities...but the day to day people you meet, you have certain requirements, like being smart, gentle, sensitive.

    You sound Bisexual to me. You're just picky with what you want.
     
  7. Greggers

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    Well, if it helps any your description of what you want in a man is quite the same as mine, including the not knowing anyone personally you like. However, i definitely am full blown gay and not a tiny bit bisexual heh. I think you actually have quite a good grip on your sexuality from the sounds of it! Im like....really impressed. You can put it all into words beautifully.

    The whole repression and denial because of the homophobic environment rings true with me too. I did manage to break out of that after i left my highschool at least. I think your thing with kissing men *MIGHT* just tie back to that as well. For me it took awhile before i could get over the "ew" in the back of my mind about same sex kissing. Its been so ingrained into my being that homosexuality is wrong and heterosexuality is right. Every family member, friend, teacher, pastor, and even myself drilled that into my brain for years. This one may just take some time, so dont completely cut yourself off from the idea of kissing.

    One thing that might help you right now is if you watch some good LGBT Cinema. Movies that portray gay people in real, healthy relationships. We grew up seeing happy heterosexual couples everywhere we looked, and thats how we learned about things. If you want to get more comfortable with the idea of having a same sex relationship or want to see how they play out in different scenarios, its definitely a good idea. This list is something ive been working on watching all of (im crazy, i know) so its a good starting point if you want to read about some different movies:

    http://www.afterelton.com/movies/2008/9/50greatestgaymovies
     
  8. Pseudojim

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    The moviestar factor is powerful. Having seen their acting, I've seen a little window into their artistic expression. That is attractive. Superficial or not, I can't deny the desire that comes from a beautiful, but very talented actor. I could say the same of helena bonham carter, natalie portman, or cate blanchett. It's not just movies either. I fantasise about jeff buckley more than any other man, because of the beauty in his music.

    I've seen some, i adored milk, and the lovey scenes in it were SOOO cute. The depiction of the love in brokeback mountain was also very touching, seeing male-male romantic love bothers me not at all. I'm not sure that watching any more of it will have much of an effect but you could very well be right.
     
  9. Bradley James

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    It did at first, largely because I was, um, still a virgin (yes, at 19 I was still a virgin). I think the first time for anyone is terrifying. I was terrified with my first girlfriend too.
     
  10. Pseudojim

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    i was eager as anything during my first time with a girl. I couldn't quite believe it was happening but i knew i was having a ball. I never really had any trepidation. I can't imagine the same would happen were I to find myself attracted to a man i met.
     
  11. Bradley James

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    Oh, I was eager to, both times, but at the same time scared, because I'd never... performed... for anyone before and had no idea if I would be... adequate...
     
  12. endless poetry

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    btw this includes international cinema as well not just the restricting scenes Hollywood is willing to provide ... look into the Entertainment section for more information...

    I`ve been having similar troubles, save I know of attraction to men, just uncertain of women... so by this point, I certainly do not know fully for certain my orientation.

    ultimately, no-one can tell you what your sexual orientation is, you need to know by searching within yourself... until you get stuck, then we`re here to help :slight_smile:
     
  13. Pseudojim

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    Well, hopefully things will become more clear with time. As it happens, my whole epiphany was triggered by a local girl i met via the net who happens to be a bisexual domme. We haven't actually met face to face yet but if we click, the sky's the limit. We get along like peas and carrots... we're both ridiculously kinky... i think she likes the fact that i look very young, lol.

    anyway, she's got a LOT of experience with this sort of thing, and I figure a good way to ease into experimentation in a comfortable setting might be with a MFM monege a trois (spelling?). Has anyone ever heard of anyone else using that as an intro?
     
  14. endless poetry

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    ménage à trois is three people living together because there are complex relationships within the three so they said screw it to sexual relationships with two people and decide to have a tripartite relationship... do we mean just a threesome for sex or actually living together.

    I`m just curious what you meant, I can`t help you with your actual sex o.o obviously.

    and it`s really up to you if you want to start an MFM relationship ... you go for it if you want it.
     
  15. Pseudojim

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    oh, no, i just meant a threesome. I guess you can't trust Seinfeld to give you a dictionary definition. Lol
     
  16. Pseudojim

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    Sorry for the repost, but would anyone know from experience, or know someone else who knows from experience, whether the MFM option is a good or bad idea to try this out for the first time? I'm not sure if it would make me less nervous or more nervous.
     
  17. Astaroth

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    Personally, I would rather that my first time with a same sex partner be in private than with a captive opposite-sex audience handy, but that's just me. I'm sure some folks out there wouldn't mind a threesome as an opening toward comfort.
     
  18. SMiLeitsme

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    I have had the same thinking problem, it happens to most of us non-heterosexuals. It's kind of like the straight single woman that isn't single due to pursuers, just pickiness. You know what you want, you want to do things sexually with other guys, only if they fulfill your requirements. You want it to be special, you want to value him just as much as you think he values you. You like women and all that, perfect. Be yourself, be bi, gay, become a monk and never have sex, be straight; but love life, no matter what genitalia your partner has.
    I think the kissing thing is a deep-ingrained "that's wrong" thought you get from the raging homophobia. Try something with another guy, in private. You have to trust yourself and him to do the right thing for you.
     
  19. TheEdend

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    Holy thread resurrection, Batman! For future posters, keep in mind this thread is 3 years old.