Still Reluctant

i understand your worry. by coming out u elect to be honest with yourself and those around you, but also open yourself up to possibly being hurt, and possibly not achieving you goals.
i have lived both lives at different times and i have found both satisfying, but for me both come with a degree of pretend or sacrifice.

a middle class set of values 'now we are supposed to do this, have this, think this' does not particularly add to quality of life, other than it is generally a crime to be without money in society and it is easier to be with.

you are going to have to craft a very clever scenario where all that you want in life is included and work towards this.

I am 20 years down the road. i am not happy just coming out of a relationship, in fact very f' ing sad. but this will pass and i will start again, as i have in the past, as it is possible for you to do, no matter what you encounter in life.

have you thought of having and experiencing a few relationships with men, before you make your choice on how to conduct your life? i mean longer than casual. no offence if you have. man cannot exist on sex alone, and really it is good to be able to be with someone and grow and make plans for the future.

pretending is really the pits, and so is putting up with people looking down on you for how and who you are. both are a pain.

you not over thinking, you are trying to make a sane decision for your future. that is survival and it is worth considering.
you are welcome to pm me if you like.

 

Yes, you're probably overthinking it but that's ok. Chances are there are just as many gay folks in affluent areas as anywhere else, and probably more. First things first. Relax. Coming out is not a race. If you're not really comfortable coming out to Tim yet, then wait a while. Tim should be somebody you can really trust. Maybe you don't know him well enough and fear the consequences? If you are close enough, then you should have nothing to worry about.

You don't have to come out to everyone at once. Pick and choose at your own pace.

As far as the future goes, the fact is that you will still be a gay man 20 years from now. The advantages of coming out are that you will be honest with yourself and with the ones you care about. The alternative is to put up a facade, lie to people, and live in constant fear of being discovered accidentally.

In any case, you're not endangering your future potential by coming out or choosing a "lesser" path. Quite to the contrary, you will enjoy life more fully, being completely honest with yourself and your loved ones.

Good luck and take it step by step. Let us know how it goes (*hug*) .

 

Ok for another 'old guy' to weigh in on this?

I'd have the same advice. Don't feel pressured to come out. If you're not ready, because you still feel uncomfortable about it, then don't. It might also be that it's hard to casually slide this topic into a normal conversation - you feel like you'd be blindsiding your friend I'm sure. When the time is right, you'll have to 'set up' the conversation a bit - tell him in advance that you have something important you want to discuss, etc.

I can understand your concerns regarding your potential lifestyle. When you're raised, like I was, in a traditional home with a traditional family, where your economic status is secure (although it doesn't sound like mine was quite as comfortable as yours is) it just seems 'natural' and 'safe' to follow the same path. I was so convinced of that - I didn't even consider the possibility that I was gay! (I'm so glad for the young guys today that have an awareness of this in their teens like you have.)

However, I think your sexual orientation is only a part of you - it doesn't define you entirely. Now that I've come to accept my orientation, I'm still an accountant, still a finance professional, still good at what I do (although I'll admit somewhat distracted by whats going on in my life right now). Being gay doesn't change the fact that you're bright and ambitious.

Lorenz hit the nail on the head - accept it now or accept it later, because 20 years from now you'll still be gay. The sooner you can deal with that, accept it, and integrate it into your life, the better off you'll be. It isn't a 'lesser' path - its just different.

Good luck. We're all pulling for you. (*hug*)

 

Quoted for truth!

Honestly, before I came out, and even as I was beginning to come out, I had the same thoughts, the hesitations and inability to envision life with another man. I started really paying attention to other relationships around me and trying to picture myself in those scenarios (you know, the ones that everyone loves, the straight ones, the oozing with sweetness enough to make you vomit ones), and then I also tried to picture myself in a relationship with another male. At first, I had trouble with the latter because of social brainwashing, but I also had as much, if not more trouble with the former for reasons that I'm just going to presume are part of being gay. As time went on, the thought of being with a man, someone I was attracted to and that understood me, and vice versa, and not having to perform a charade, grew on me. Conversely, the straight relationships still had less than no appeal to me.

In this case, I would assert that you should consider performing the exercise I did. I bet you'll come to a similar conclusion once you overcome the social brainwashing. Also, ask yourself this, and HONESTLY, would you rather spend the rest of your life with someone that you love through thick and thin, or would you rather be financially comfortable but unhappy because you're living a lie?

Think about it.

 

There is no age or specific time you have to come out. That is a personal decision and one only you should make. Peer pressure is tough to deal with sometimes, but it is your life and how you wish to live it can only be done by your choices. If you don't feel that you want to come out entirely, or only to a few chosen few, etc. that is your business and no one can really have anything to say about it. You may chose now not to come out and in 20 make that choice, totally up to you.

 

Its only 4 months since I was in your position. I couldn't come out to anyone close - it seemed like too much of a risk. I was too scared. So I first came out to my therapist, I found that coming out to someone I didn't know helped me get used to the idea a little more in a way that was not permanent; afterall in theory I could always change therapist and still be in the closet.

He always said that I should take my time and only come out to close people when I am ready to do so. That made it easier to talk to him about my attraction to men, easier to discuss the gay lifestyle as I perceived it and to think about eventually coming out to a person really close to me. Which I duly did. If you remember any of my advice I hope it will be that you take things slowly and only come out when you are ready.

I'm out to a few people and I still feel reluctant to tell others. I've been gradually coming round to the idea of coming out to the bulk of my family and then living as a gay man socially thereafter and I can now see that in addition to possible negatives, there are a lot of positives. I believe that ultimately if I can separate my fears (rejection by family or friends or collegemates) from what I need for me in my life, then living my life fully as a gay man would be my ideal.

Q: Would that be your ideal? If not what would?

PS. - Gay people can be rich, have 2.5 kids and 1.5 dogs too if thats what you want. Depends what will make you happy.