(didn't realize I typed so much) Figured I'd post up something bothering me recently, since I'm here: I'm definitely thinking that my mom isn't buying my whole asexual/heterosexual act I put on anymore. She keeps making these hints... For instance, she tells a lot of stories from work; the most interesting ones (to both of us) are regarding a lesbian that she works with. She's about 19 and got kicked out for not "turning straight". My mom said some things along the lines of, "It's not like she could turn off being gay! You don't just wake up and say, 'Hey I'm straight now'! And plus, I wouldn't want my kid on the streets. It's not like she murdered someone. She's gay - so what?". This is after a huge fight with my dad a few years prior where he demanded that I stop being gay before I "tear the family apart". I remember when I thought she bought it... After saying this stuff, though... I'm thinking that she's caught on. I would like to come out to her, but my father is completely... homophobic. If there's a recurring character on TV that is gay, or some gay celebrity, he'll refer to him as "The Faggot". He's into the whole men = being masculine = doing stereotypical "man" things. He's traditional, conservative, and even sees women as inferior to men in all aspects. Like me, though, when he gets set in his ways, he knows he is right and will not listen to any outside reason. I really would like to finally tell my mom, "Yes! I am gay!", since we're very close. She would be very supportive, I think... But coming out to one means coming out to the other (because "you don't hold things like that back from your parents") and... I don't know. Is it worth it? I could go my entire life without coming out to my father and it would be completely fine by me. I don't know what to do. I'm 18 and it's gotten to the point to where I'm comfortable enough with myself to be open at work and with friends. I don't think he can kick me out, but I'm quite quite sure that things would be REALLY awkward until I finally moved out, at which point it would be REALLY awkward from a distance. Is there anyone in a similar situation, or that has been in one? I'd just like someone that I can identify with or that can help me out with a good plan of action or something. Sorry for any... incoherence... in the sentences. I had way more but I had to slim it down for everyone. Not trying to tell my life story in one visit.
Honestly--I don't see why you would need to come out to both your parents. Come out to your mom individually, and talk it over with her. See how she feels about it. Granted, she might tell him, but you could at least voice your concerns about his opinions. Side note: I'd seriously love for someone to come out and say "I'm gay", then start flexing and end the conversation with, "Well! Of to go do MANLY things!"
Thing is, my mom has asked me before and she's pretty much the one responsible for the blow up with my dad. After she asked me, she posed a sort of hypothetical question for him ("Would you able to talk to him calmly if he told you he was gay?" Dad: "No..."). I told her many time over that I didn't want him to find out. Granted, I hadn't confirmed that I was gay (I hadn't technically denied it either), but still. She told him anyway and it turned into this big there where I turned off my homosexuality at the end before I ripped a hole in the space-time continuum. She knows how he is and we have these behind-the-back "he's irrational-blah-blah" things often, but she still told him, which makes me think that she would tell him again.
You know what? Your 18. Fuck your dad. If he cannot accept you, its not *your* loss its his. You wont be very Dependant on them for much longer, so you hold the power here. If your father wants to have you as his son, he has to accept you, gay and all. Sooner or later he will realize that and at least tolerate your sexuality. If for some strange reason he never does, well then you HAVE TO cut your father out of your life. Its poison if you let his homophobia hold you back because you want to please an un-pleasable man. But, like i said, he is virtually guaranteed to come around to a certain degree once he realizes if he does not that he will lose you. The only way to kill homophobia is with either education or experience. Someone either learns the facts about gay people or has an encounter with a gay person, in a positive way. You can be your fathers positive experience! Its one thing to call the gay guy on TV a fag, but its a whole different thing to say it to your sons face. He knows you. He knows your a good person. He obviously loves you. Your sexuality is not big enough of a deal to stop all that from being true. He will see that, eventually atleast. Your mother definitely knows, thats kinda clear. Whats also clear is that she accepts you and will continue to. My mother is...well, not like that. I would give anything to have a mother defend me based on my sexuality. Both my parents re-acted very badly at first, so much as to tell me in fact that i was not gay and then to run away without telling me to their cabin for half a week because they could not stand to be around me. It was rough, to say the least. Buuuuuuut - i dont regret a thing. It needed to be done, because now they tolerate it. If i never came out they would not have got to that point. I promise you this: Once you come out to your parents your life is going to move forward in a big, and good, way.
I agree with all of the above; better to do it now and get it over with, because eventually they are going to find out, whether it be the easy way, or the hard way. But I might suggest a bit of distance between you and your dad when you do tell him... say, maybe a state line
It's unfortunate that your dad has been taught that it's OK to talk about people - whether you know them or not - in such a negative way. I feel sorry for him. What a horrible way to go through life. Your mom knows. She's letting you know that it's OK for you to tell her. But I think you have a valid point. If you tell her, she has to promise to keep it to herself. It probably isn't worth stirring it up at home again with your dad. I understand. Good luck.
Thanks everyone. I'm glad to see some serious responses for once (when I try to talk to my friends, I think it's rather hard for them to identify so it all either turns into a big joke or an awkward silence). I'm going to ponder the situation a bit more but it's a big help when I can talk with people that understand what I'm on about. Thanks again.
Father do seem to have a harder time coming to terms with their sons being gay. I think they might think it reflects bad on them, unfortunatly this is a very selfish attitude for parents to have. The good news is I think you Mom is trying to tell you she knows you're gay, and she will support you no matter what. So, at least you have one parent who has got your back, which is more then some folks.
I think a lot of comes from the perception that being gay means you are less of a man. I have seen that in a lot of people that Gay guy = Girl. Of course that is as far as you can get from the truth. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with personality. I know several several straight guys that are very feminine and straight girls that are very masculine. It really is a shame that society thinks that our genitals and the genitals we prefer have to dictate our personality.
As Jim said, your mom knows. So no reason not to tell her, she's essentially begging you to be honest with her. As for your dad, my guess is that he'll come around. Remember there is a genetic component to homosexuality, and so it's possible that part of his own violent resistance to your being gay could be that he's had tiny moments of questioning his own sexuality. It could be that the strong reaction is his own (probably unfounded) fears about himself. But likely as not, he'll come around. Might take a month or two or six, but I think he will. And your mom is clearly supportive so I suspect she will encourage him to come around as well. I see no reason not to come out, at least to your mom, and then you can talk with her about what to do with your dad.
