so me and my boyfriend have been fighting a lot more recently, at least a couple times a week. and its starting to get to me. i just feel too suffocated in our relationship right now. he constantly wants to talk to me and hang out with me and then makes me feel guilty when i cant or dont want to. but the thing that bugs me most is how he doesnt have anyone else to hang out with. im usually the only one he wants to spend time with, and he thinks the feeling is mutual. but i like to hang out with my other friends, too, and he gets jealous every time i go out with other people by asking why im able to hang out with them and not him. ive talked to him countless times about giving me some space. i want to be a little bit more independent. id just rather the relationship be part of my life as opposed to my life. sorry. this has just been a problem that has been bugging me constantly lately. do you guys have any helpful advice? he tends to be very stubborn and doesnt believe that hes doing anything wrong. or when he does lay off a bit, it resumes within a couple days. thanks in advance for the help. ps: it feels so much better to just rant this all out.
If I were you, I'd get out of there. I know you don't want to hear that. I didn't either. But possessiveness can escalate to abuse very quickly. I have personally experienced this. Protect yourself. You deserve better. You have told him to stop. He has not listened to you. This is because people like him have personality disorders or psychological disorders that trap them into this pattern of control. Since you have tried your best to work it out, but it has not worked and you still feel "suffocated"-- it is time to leave. I wish you the best. I hope I didn't upset you. I know that I got really upset and defensive when my friends tried to help me get out before it was too late. I will acknowledge that there is a chance I am blowing this situation out of proportion. I do not personally know either of you. I am just reacting with my gut emotions based on my personal experience. This may or may not be helpful to you at all. It's just one person's perspective, though it is one that I feel very strongly about.
hmmm....diplomacy. While you need your time, your boyfriend also needs to have a separate life. Talk to him about how seeing each other may hurt the relationship. As you have stated, you are fighting more often and you feel suffocated....this situation doesnt magically get better and left alone gets worse. Try to talk to him about having time apart, try to compromise on this issue if you can. Try to schedule when you are with your friends and let the rest of the time be to him or whatever other things you need to do. And maybe include him now and then (if you can or are willing to) in some of your activities....it may let him discover other friends, hopefully, and he may not have as much of an issue. If he remains stubborn....be more stubborn(?)
My personal is remark is that developing and modifying a relationship are of a painstaking process. I know, and you know as well, that you can just "get out of there," burn the bridge, be free. But then what you are having right now would not be worthy of being called a relationship, right? A relationship requires efforts. If I were in your position, I would keep my head high and my attitude possitive, of course to a degree that maintains my emotional well-being, too. Change him a little, make him adapt. Encourage him to find a social life. A hobby, an obsession. Make your quality time even better. Talk to him and touch him on the very intimate level. Learn of his strengths, desires, and weaknesses... Anyway, all I can, and I think we can, give you is sympathy. Ultimately, how the course of the future changes depends on your diplomatic and communication skills, as well as your and his current level of interactions and mutual understanding. Only you know him, and only you know best what to do.
perhpas hes jsut not feeling loved and your wanting to see otehrs more than him. you need to go out have a life see your friends but he is obviouslly insecure and in fear of betrayal so .... you should find why he feels like this discuss with him you need your space but say to him what he means to you. it isnt as simple as get out of there or hes beeing awkward some people have trouble trusting as theyve been hurt badly before or just want to be with you, as for him get a life perhaps if you two go to a club or group or activity together and meet people he can socalise a bit and maybe make some friends that way.
Hi there, I think your boyfriend might feel insecure about the feelings you have for him, and the more you push him away, the more angry and insecure he'll become. What you can do is to try to show him that you care about him and about his feelings, even when he is not around. You said you tried to talk to him, but you didn't say how. If it was exclusively about how you feel, and about how you need some space, he might have had the feeling you were not caring about how he feels. Maybe you could try to talk to him asking him about how he feels. Like "How it makes you feel when I'm hanging out with my friends without you ?" or "It seems to me that when I am seing my friends without you that makes you upset. Why is that ?" and reasure him about the fact you choosed him as a boyfriend, that you love him and you want to be with him, and that you don't forget him when he is not around. Maybe you can take him with you from time to time when you are seeing your friends (depending on how out you and him are). . And when you are with your friends, you can let him know that you still think about him. Send him a text message saying you think about him, and that you love him. Buy him a little present from time to time, nothing much but just to say "I saw this when I was with (name of the friend) and I thought you'll like it". Leave him little messages for him to find later, like post-it in his book, or little notes in his pockets. When you have to see your friends and then see him, don't be late, or if you are going to be late, call him and apologize. Encourage him to talk about his friends and to see them, and from time to time, spend some time with him and his friends. The main idea is to let him know you care about him and love him. The more he'll feel secure about your relationship, the more he'll be keen on trusting you. Take care, Eleanor
As Gandalf would say... run, you fools! *lets go* sorry... it's just I'm going through something like that with my bf... it's not as bad as you describe, but he's really 'needy' and tries to control me through guilt (which is not working so well for him). I know it's cruel of me to say this... but it's not as much that he annoys me... but he bores me... which makes spending time together rather diffucult... in any case I am going through some stuff so I don't want to make any decisions now... but chances are I'm going to leave him when I get back from a business trip I have in a few weeks. So... my advice to you is to weight the relationship, its good and bad things... the happy and the sorrow it brings you... then make your decision based on that. I'm not saying make a mathematically precise balance, just try to understand your feelings. One hint: see what secondary benefit the things he does that annoy you bring to you... for instance: when my bf calls me three times just to 'talk' about nothing... on one hand it annoys the living hell out of me... on the other hand it makes me feel wanted... hth Alan.-
