What does it mean to be openly gay? Here are my thoughts ... My senior year in college was when I started to come out. A few close friends got the long story, but since being a student didn't leave me with a ton of free time I shortened it up to a quick and sweet statement (and would talk more about it if the conversation went that way). Doing this I was able to tell several people. I figured once I told a bunch of people, the word would spread and I'd be openly out. However, only a few people heard by word of mouth. I eventually realized that being openly out was more about being able to be open about it. I adopted this philosophy. It only came up a few times, but when it did I was able to talk about it. I graduated in May of 2008. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do and frankly needed a break. I was able to find a job tutoring high schoolers at the high school I attended. It's been really nice to work several of my former teachers. I'm now starting my second year. The problem I've run into is that it never comes up. No one in the department has asked me anything related to my sexuality (i.e. do you have a girlfriend?) or really given me an opening to say something. So now it's starting to feel like I'm in the closet again. I'm starting to revamp my philosophy on what it means to be openly out. While I certainly feel that being open is part of it, I don't think that's all. I'm starting to think while I should be able to talk about it if it comes up, I may need to make it come up. Anyway, this has been something I've thought about quite a bit the past two years. If anyone else has thoughts on what it means to be openly gay, I'd appreciate hearing them.
It means being honest with myself about my sexual orientation, and others. It means not having to say "I have a crush on this person, they are so cute," but "I have a crush on him, he's so cute!" For me coming out also means helping to create tolerance. If my homophobic aunt knows I am gay, she will think "hey. my nephew isn't a pervert or trying to destroy marriage. He's a good person." Because you cannot always "see" sexuality.
Its a really good question. And its a hard one. Everyone who i talk to at least once a month or more knows, and the majority of everyone that those people know who also know me know as well. So friends of friends who have met me in short. But its not like i wear a sign that says "Im gay" when i meet new people or go out in public, so its not like everyone knows. Id like to think anyone who i have at least more than one conversation would guess that im gay (really, its not that hard. Im a walking stereotype and i dont try and hide that) so for me its not an issue. Anyone who i get to know *will* find out im gay eventually, without me having to tell them. I guess being "out" is the point were you are not lieing about it. On the same hand, if you simply are just very quote "straight acting" and no one asks you about it, i dont know if thats really considered "out". Still, i think its all about the not lieing when confronted. Id also add as a requirement that you need to be out to everyone who is important to you in your life, or else you *are* at least still semi-closeted.
I am somewhat similar in that philosophy. All of my close friends know that I am gay, but if the topic were to come up with someone I hardly know, I would not be opposed towards telling him or her. If someone has no idea that you are gay, and does not seem to ask, then he/she is not intentionally trying to silence you--your sexuality is your business. I guess you could say that the concept of being 'openly gay' is different for everyone. I certainly feel that, although I am gay, I do not think that I am not obligated to show it off, yet I would not mind talking about it with someone if they would ask.
I agree that the concept of being "openly gay" is different for everyone. I think many LGBT people are quite open about their sexuality in some parts of their lives, but not in others (esp. work). How open someone is about their sexuality is all relative- from very deeply closeted (not even out to themselves) all the way to Bruno-like proportions. I guess you could say I'm one of those "straight-acting" gay guys who people don't necessarily say "oh, he's gay," right off the bat. Hence, I can empathize with your work situation in which very few people (if anyone) asks about it (ie- "are you married?" "do you have girlfriend?). If I get the "girlfriend" question, for some odd reason, I simply say "no, I don't" (I'm single right now) and only mention my sexuality if they ask more specific questions. I don't always know why I do this- maybe it's just my dislike of being put on the spot? I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place- I want to tell people who ask the "girlfriend" question that I'm gay, but would that be giving out more information than they bargained for? It would be soooo much easier if I had a boyfriend. That way, if people asked about my relationship status, I could just say "no, I have a boyfriend."
I would say, be out when it counts. Rather than bringing it up, include yourself in a discussion when homosexuality comes up. You could always prompt others to bring it up by wearing one earring, or a rainbow bracelet, or being excited and proclaiming, "I have a boyfriend now!" Or something.
Let me put it this way. If you change the answer to a question... If you change a pronoun... If you "choose not to answer"... If you "don't think it's anyone's business"... For whatever reason. You're not out. Lex
...and i just want to add to that, its not a "bad" thing or the "wrong" thing to not be out or not follow every single one of those guidelines lex put out. Everyone is in a different situation and not being "out" is sometimes a good thing, sometimes even a necessary thing. But yea, thats kinda it. I still consider myself "out" even though my grandmother does not and hopefully never will know. It was by request of my parents, and maybe a good thing because she still calls black people "Negros". I dont think an exception or two really affects being "out".
I should add that I'm out to my family and my close friends. When my other friends didn't hear about it by word of mouth, I adopted the philosophy that being open means being comfortable talking about it when it comes up. The problem was it never came up (I have yet to have a boy friend, I really don't have many connections to any gay community, and I really don't fit the description of the token gay). I'm pretty sure I haven't violated anything on Lex's list, it really just hasn't come up. I'm working on making connection with the gay community (i.e. I had lunch last week with the teacher who coordinates the GSA at the school I work at, and we plan to have lunch again in the near future). Once there is activity in the gay part of my life, it will give me more things to mention. Perhaps that's what I need to work on more than tweaking my philosophy on what it means to be openly gay.
