Hating being gay right now. Thanks, past amazing relationship.

Warning for huuuuuge amounts of rambling about how much being a homo sucks sometimes~

tl;dr- Lately I've been feeling shitty for being gay, because I really, truly feel that I'll never be as happy with anyone as I was with my ex boyfriend (emotionally, not physically, since, welp. Gay.)

Here's the longer version. Please forgive me if it's a little jumbled, since I'm crying pretty sad right now/have never typed this all out before.

About 3 years ago, in the summer before my 8th grade year (I was 13), I went to summer camp. I ended up meeting a boy there. We got along very well, and I enjoyed being around him. He asked me out, and my friend convinced me to say yes, even though he was 2 years older than I was. It was supposed to be a summer fling, but it just... kept going. We got more and more comfortable with each other, and I fell in love with him. We lasted 2.5 years before I broke it off. (For the last half of that, I was pretty much at his house every night and through the weekends. We were inseparable) I knew that while I loved him, I could never be physical with him, and that's important in a relationship.

About a year into this relationship, right before I turned 15, I accepted the fact that I liked girls. I didn't rule out guys completely at that point, but I knew I wasn't straight. (I've thought about it before then, before I met him, but I was too young to really understand it or question it. We got too serious before I had the chance to figure out who I was, which led me into this mess to begin with.) His reaction was horrible; he cried, I cried, he thought I was leaving him/cheating on him/ect. He's since apologized and realized that was a dick move, but at the time I told myself to just forget it since I loved him and that was all that mattered.

During this time, we were preeetty sexually active. I know, looking back this is horrible, but I lost my virginity to him 2 months into dating him. (I don't regret, though. It sounds stupid, but I knew we'd be together a while. We really were that perfect together.) In the beginning, I didn't enjoy it, and since we started while i was so young, I attributed it to my age/inexperience/whatever. As time went on, though, my feelings of indifference towards doing sexual things turned into disgust. I'd get choked up/almost cry during actual sex, so we stopped. I made him stop doing things for me, since it felt wrong and gross to me. (unless I pictured a girl; he caught onto that, though, and confronted me. I had to stop, since I felt guilty about it.) I still did for him, because I loved him, but I eventually needed to stop that, too. Towards the end of our relationship, I couldn't even kiss him without it feeling horribly wrong. This process of stopping everything was pretty much the entire second year or our relationship.

Now, we all know how teenage boys are, and what they want. When a teenage boy is dating someone who won't put out, there's a lot of tension. When we were just doing normal things together, we were great; we still laughed a lot, we talked like we always used to, and we just seemed like the happiest couple ever. But, whenever sex came up, there was so much tension. He'd ask if I still loved him, if i was still attracted to him, if I was cheating on him. Eventually, his constant jealousy (he kept thinking I wanted someone else, so I wouldn't do things with him) and the overwhelming feeling of "HEY, LEX. YOU'RE GAY. JUST TO LETCHA KNOW" forced me to break up with him. He was devastated, I was devastated. We cried into the phone for hours. I didn't tell him the real reason, just the jealousy/other things he was smothering me with. (just to clarify; he wasn't the typical HAVE SEX WITH ME OR YOURE A BITCH teenage guy. I can't explain it, but he wasn't an asshole about it; there was just tension.)

About 2 months later, I took him back. I missed him so much and felt so guilty (but free, liberated) without him and much more comfortable (but trapped) when I took him back. It was relieving and horrible at the same time. When we were apart, I cried because I thought I'd made a mistake and because I missed him. When we were together again, I cried because I was lying to myself. Since the tension was still there, we had a nasty fight, broke up, said our last 'I love You's and didn't speak for about 9 months.

Now is the about 9 months later point. We're speaking again, and we're almost back to our old selves. I recently told him the real reason why I broke up with him, which explained the sex tension. He knows I'm gay, and is okay with that (well, as okay as you can be with the girl you love being a lesbian.) But, we still joke around like we used to, still have the same inside jokes, everything like that. But, what's also back is the guilt I have for leaving him. We both know (we've talked about it) that we feel the same way; we feel like we'll never find any relationship like the one we had. We know we still love each other and that we always will. Hell, I even told him that if in 20 years we're old and lonely, we should just get married and get some cats like we used to plan. He agreed with me. He's dating another girl now, but he says it's not the same. He'd come back to me in an instant. He even 'jokingly' says he'd "sprout a vag so we could be together again."

I still can't help feeling like I've made a huge mistake, but at the same time I know we wouldn't work because of the sex thing. I'm only attracted to women. I can't have sex with him (or even KISS him, or hold his hand) without it feeling horrible to me. But I don't think I'll ever find someone else I'm so perfectly compatible with. As I said before, this probably sounds like the normal teenage "omg we're soooo in love lolol" but what we hadd was really special. I don't think I'll ever be that happy/comfortable with anyone ever again, unless it's him, but then I'd be miserable, too. How is that even possible?

I hate it. I hate myself. Why couldn't I just be straight and we'd be happy together? I feel like i've ruined my whole life. We had it all planned out. We were happy.

Sorry for the wall of text, but he's my only friend, and I obviously can't say any of this to him without him saying "Nononono you're normal, I just want you to be happy in life."

I'm so lost right now.

 

It's not just guilt, it's really more the feeling of knowing that I'll never have anything like we had. I don't have a word to describe it, really.

Yeah, I feel bad for her too. He doesn't like her -that- much from what I can gather... but, they both just started college, so we'll see how long they last