What to do, what to do...

Hmmm... I'll offer, for your consideration, that perhaps your social issues and your fear of someone finding out about your sexuality go hand in hand. When I was 18, I had a lot of rage issues, and although I managed to make friends, I still don't necessarily understand how. As I think back on it now, I suspect that some of it was related to the fact that I was trying to hide some portion of myself...

I am afraid I don't have any sage advice, but I'll offer something, anyway... If you don't think there's anyone you can tell directly, you could just try living openly and let them figure it out. Perhaps that would help you to gain some confidence and make some more friends. Or, you could try telling some of the people you hang out with, if you feel comfortable with them.

At any rate, good luck!

 

Maybe I'm not the best person to be giving advice but I would think that if you did come out and you are finally able to be yourself you would be more able to make real friends. I agree that trying to hide who you really are could have hindered making any close friends. If you are in a new place think of it as a clean slate. Take it as an opportunity to be true to yourself.
Try not to think of all those years as wasted. Why does going through that phase of your life make you inferior? So your life has taken a different course, that doesn't make anyone better than you. Dealing with your personal issues and overcoming your struggles makes you a better person in the end. Everyone has to faceup to their demons, maybe you are the lucky one to have figured it out at such an early age! Good luck!

 

Due to my own personal issues that I've been dealing with for a long time, I sort of feel the same way sometimes, like my adolesence has been "wasted" to some degree. Sometimes I wish that when I turn eighteen and move out, I would be able to look back on my adolesence fondly and know that I had a lot of good memories, but in truth, I don't. Sure, I've got some good memories, but a lot more bad than good. Sometimes I wish things had been different, that I had done more to try to make my situation better and help myself, but in the end, there's no going back. You have to accept the past, with the good and the bad.

All I can really say is that I believe there is always hope, and that any person, no matter how bad their situation is, can always take steps to improve their life for themselves, even if only a little at a time. It is never worth giving up or getting complacent. It may seem like times are hard and there is nothing you can do, but I believe there is always something you can do. You may not be able to change the people around you or the situation you're in, but you can think positively and try to make the life you want for yourself. Even if you never get everything you want in life, I'm guessing you'll be more fulfilled in having tried than in chasing after the sort of life other people want for you, or that you feel like you have to have.

As far as coming out is concerned, I would say wait until you're ready. It's never an easy thing to do - I myself haven't gotten the courage yet - but when you feel ready and you do come out, you'll probably be much happier and more comfortable with yourself around other people, since you're not trying to put up a front.

 

OK, first off, I am socially retarded, ( <- Yes, I modified one of beckyg’s posts =D) but there is something I have learned. One of the only things harder then making new friends, is telling them later on in the relationship that you haven’t been totally honest with them. If you tell them up front, it gets the big pink elephant out of the middle of the room for you. It also makes rejection easier because you really don’t care about their opinion yet. Hell, you don’t even know if you like them yet. Lately I have been up front with new people while trying to be friendly, and for me it works. I actually feel better about myself. And so far, all of them have felt better toward me too.

And I know what you are/were going through with agoraphobia. I had a real bad bought with that and OCD. But t took me a while to realize that those are just names that Doctors and other professionals put on me, and I thought I had to live up to the textbook definition. In grades K-4ish I had to be literally dragged into my school and detained until Mum’s car was out of sight. And then during recess I would run to my grandmothers. “Oh, he’s just a Mama’s boy.” Bull shit! It didn’t matter if Mum was there, I just wanted to be home. On vacations I would get HOMESICK, and I don’t mean just missing my family, or home cooked meals, I missed being inside of my four-walled safety-zone. But I don’t need a title to tell me how to feel and act about wanting to be at home... I have always suffered with migraines, and to help ease the pain I meditate for several hours out of the day. Anywhere I live will be my temple. And if that is the only place that I feel truly alive, without having pain as my only reminder, then of course I want to be there. This doesn’t make me agoraphobic, SO WHAT, I like to be in my home. As for OCD; I am not Obsessive, Compulsive, nor do I have any Disorder, there is nothing wrong with organization.

But if I say so myself, I have come a long way. I have changed who I am, not for anyone else, but for myself. And no one will be able to pin me down with a stereotype, or any descriptor for that matter. And when you can live like that, the only expectations put on you, are placed by you, for you.

Don’t let someone else’s definitions define you.

Yours always if you need someone,
WW

 

I feel for you, i spent years destroying friendships because i was scared that friends would see the real me, when i didn't even want to see me. I hated myself. People seem to be attracted to me and i spent years trying to get rid of them, but now that I'm out I am meeting lots of friend good friends and regret not coming out sooner (I 49 years old) I knew i was gay at 16 (that's just on 33 years denying myself of friends, all in the past now though).Coming is the most scariest thing I 've ever done, I was a volunteer Fire fighter for 20 years, going into a burning structure wasn't as bad as summoning the courage to finally come out. All i can say is don't deny yourself the pleasure of just being you it is liberating, please msg me if you want any advice and kind words greg

 

I'm going to wade into this discussion as well...

I can realate to some of the things you mentioned. Especially what seem to be 'wasted years' in your teens. I felt the same way about mine - and was very resentful that I hadn't done more with them. The fact is that everyone is different and will have different experiences.

That doesn't likely make you feel any better.

Here's what might - but you have to take it to heart! (these aren't my words - but they are words to live by...)

YESTERDAY, TODAY and TOMORROW

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. YESTERDAY is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

TOMORROW'S sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW, for it is as yet unborn.

This leaves only one day - TODAY - Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities – YESTERDAY and TOMORROW that we break down.

It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad - it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.

Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time.

I sincerely believe that most of our problems in life, are mood swings, our depression and anxiety, are a result of worrying about either yesterday, or tomorrow, or both. Let go! ACCEPT your yesterdays for what they were, and what you learned from them, and LET THEM GO. ACCEPT that you can't have any meaningful influence on the future. ACCEPT that today - right now - is the only point in time that you can have any real influence over - and make the most of it.

This simple concept has provided me with more peace and serenity than anything else. I hope it can provide you with some peace as well.

Like the other offers above (all from great people) you can contact me at any time to chat as well. We're all here for you.

 

Wow, that was strong Greg. It is a good thing that you were able to face up to your fear and cream it!:eusa_clap

 

At first I was like, "You remembered my name?" But then I realized that you meant to dredge into the discussion... Wade is one of my Dubya's lol

But anyways, that was a beautiful write up.

Thanks, It helped me too
WW:icon_wink

 

LOL! I did remember, and thought that as I started my post...

I'm glad you found it helpful. This past year has been really tough for me, and I've battled and resisted, and been resentful about A LOT of stuff. However, I find that as I accept things for what they are, as they are, my load gets lighter. I feel it every time. And while many of us may not be happy with our 'yesterdays' for one reason or another, there's absolutely nothing we can do about them. Nothing.

I hope you're well, Wade. Take care.

 

I am a meteorologist not a psychologist, it seems to me that the illness that you made up really was depression. I read that you had a case lasting 10 months with a social worker, were they able to make any diagnosis to resolve the situation? Is there a possibility that they could reopen the case and take another look into it? You seem like you could use a little more help than they have provided at this point.

 

Think about it like this: what makes us great is not what we do but what we overcome. And from the sounds of it, you have overcome a lot more in your life so far than most people have to overcome in their entire life. If there's one piece of advice I can give you, it is this: don't compare yourself to other people. When you do that, you are comparing your true self to the mask that people put up in public. Do you tell everyone you know everything you have gone through? I doubt it. Remember, everyone has gone through hardships, even though they act like their life is perfect. Everyone puts up fronts, so when you compare their front to what's behind your front, you are destined to feel inferior.

As for making friend, the best way is to act like you have as many as you need. This may seem like odd advice, but believe me, people will like you more if you seem to be happy with your current social situation. If you act like you are desperate to make friends, potential friends will probably be turned away. As for coming out your potential friends, I think it would be best if you were just honest with them if they asked you questions about your personal life. Telling them that your gay the moment you meet them may give the impression that being gay is the biggest aspect of your character, which, unfortunately, scares off most people.

Also, I agree with the person who said the social worker could have probably done more for you. I'm no doctor, but I think you have some kind of condition that is holding you back socially. I'm a loner too, so I know how you feel, but your loner-ness seems to go beyond what can be considered healthy. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and if you can't enjoy it to the fullest, then you should get someone to help you enjoy it. Whether that's just a good friend who you feel more comfortable around, or a psychologist, as long as you feel you are doing something to help yourself enjoy life, then you are doing the right thing.