im feeling pretty sick over all this and really don't know what to do. i know i should theoretically talk to my friends about it but i guess i'm not ready. you see for a long time i have denied to myself and to others that i am attracted to guys. i guess you could say i am into dressing well, and to some people that is interpreted as being gay. so for a long time i resented the fact that people think that about me. whether it be my "nice guy" attitude or whatever it is...i really hated always being categorized as a nice guy--one that girls would never date, and one that guys don't really talk to. so naturally this made me even more resentful towards the feelings i do have towards guys, and made me go through years of self loathing and discomfort. i guess you can say i am a good actor because very few people pick up on my tormented inner feelings. i am very friendly and am good at talking and relating to people, just not to myself. and because of this i am often someone who gives everyone advice rather than getting the advice that i have been needing for years. but this friendly persona i have shields all the heartache i feel inside, because nobody picks up on it...until recently my friends have been really noticing something is not the same. i am in my second year of college and have my home friends, and my college friends. at college i have a very diverse group of friends (both racially, and sexually oriented) and i feel that they would have no reason not to be supportive to me since they are so supportive to the multiple gay or bisexual guys in our group of friends. that being said i am one of the few "straight" ones, and i feel almost silly saying "me too" after a year of saying "i like girls". while i have been somewhat okay with denying my feelings, even rationalizing them and making myself believe it is disgusting. having a few experiences with guys, and none with girls i am realizing that something is going on here. the guys are not people i know in my everyday life and i have not really kept in touch with them or seen them again. and it merely consisted of me getting off but not doing anything in return. and until this point i had myself convinced that was as far as i would ever want to go. then suddenly out of the blue something broke through my self made cacoon of numbed feelings. you see, i have been kind of numb for some time now, and have not been ble to figure out why. i have not had a crush in so long it feels freakish, and it made me feel like i am asexual or something. so starting my second year of college, amidst my mothers battle with cancer, i have been distracted and under a lot of stress and pressure. to add to this i have a constant yearning for companionship, without the slightest crush/attraction towards anyone in my life. so you could imagine my shock when suddenly out of nowhere i am crushing like a school kid with a sugar rush. and after all the years of denying to myself that i would ever be attracted and i mean really attracted (not just want to hook up with, but kiss and hold, and date) a guy, it was a guy that made me suddenly open my eyes to my feelings. so suddenly i have become absolutely infatuated with this guy in my group of friends. for all purposes we will just call him 'S'. so i am hanging out with a group of my friends, just chilin in the dorms, and it felt like i was standing on a rug and it was suddenly ripped out from under me! like a shocking feeling of attraction that i havent had in ages. i found myself talking to him as much as possible, and looking too, i could NOT stop staring. and i would stare until he would look over and after a moment or two of direct eye contact i would casually look away. now you have to understand i never have had something like this happen--it was like i was being controlled, like i couldnt NOT look or talk to him. and as i stared at him i couldnt help but think, wow, he is exactly what i am looking for. unfortunately i am not that close friends with him yet, he is close with some of my friends so all i do is like hope that he is going to be there all the time. and this big epiphany occurred last saturday, and i have only seen him once since then. in the hallway at school and he waved and smiled at me and i was like a school kid AGAIN and flashed a huge smile and said "HEY!" and he asked how i was and i asked the same. he was on his way out from class and i was on my way in so that was all there was to it. but a part of me feels like he can sense what i feel, like we kept making strong eye contact. regardless of whether or not S thinks anything special of me, i feel so happy that i am not a robot or asexual, just to simply have butterflies and to feel excited to see someone is a feeling i havent felt in ages. NOW comes the tricky part...what do i DO?! while a part of me is not ready to be out at school, the other part of me knows that i will absolutely lose "control" and do anything i can to be with him. i can feel my inability to wanna be with him...and its like i cant stop wishing to see him, and talk to him, and just to be near him. sooo...do i take a more aggressive approach? or do i continue to flirt non-aggressively and try to get him to approach me about it? i am clueless, confused, overwhelmed, and frankly...nautious. P L E A S E H E L P ! ! !
Hi,there. First, welcome to EC and congrats for taking the first steps and talking about your feelings. I think many of us have been in the place you are and felt the feelings you're feeling, particularly the numbness... our own denial can be incredibly powerful in suppressing our desires. Now... as to your specific issue, i would take things slowly. Do you know whether or not he's gay/bi? Since he seems to at least exchange pleasantries, perhaps you could find some common interest or activity (a class together? A common sport like tennis or handball you both like to play? a local band playing somewhere?) where you could do that with him. It doesn't have to be a "date", just hanging with a friend, and you can have a chance to get to know him a lil better and find out if he's single and if he swings your way And... take a few breaths and relax. This will get a lot easier with a little time.
Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets! You have come to the right place. I hope that EC will help you to figure a few things out. Take a deep breath and take a step back. Try to relax as much as possible. Having the feelings you are experiencing is pretty normal but as you become more comfortable with yourself and start talking about things you will most likely find that most of these feelings (or internal homophobia) will disappear. You have already taking the first couple of steps! One, you have already admitted it to yourself and have begun to go through the process of accepting it fully! Congrats on that! Two, you have started talking about it. That's another important step. Writing things out can help as much as talking with someone. Something to be proud of. For a long time I said to my friends I like girls and tried dating girls a couple of times. But you know what? I have learned through the coming out process that friends won't see you any differently. In fact, it only underscores the difficulties in accepting our sexual identity and being ourselves among friends and saying openly hey this is me. Giving advice and helping others is always easier. Following our own advice is often quite difficult. But that's okay! It's just human nature! What I would suggest though is that you try seeing a counselor at your college. It could really help you in not only understanding yourself better but also in taking the next steps towards coming out and being yourself around those that are important to you in your life. Something to think about. Also, if you feel ready and want to talk to others who have gone through what you are experiencing, try finding the LGBT support group on campus (hopefully your college has one). If you can't find one, your next best bet would be to try the human rights office or the office/organization that is responsible for equality on campus. Remember, that when you ask about a support group, it doesn't mean anything as there also a lot of supporters that attend LGBT group meetings and events. Another possibility would a support group in the wider community, such as PFLAG for example. Talking about things and exchanging experiences can help a lot because talking about things can make things clearer and often they don't seem so daunting anymore afterward. The bonus is, you will feel better about things as well. As for the guy you would like to get to know closer and having a crush on, again, take it slow. You want to make sure that you are not becoming even more overwhelmed with different emotions and feelings. The first thing to ask yourself, how well do I know him? Is he straight? Crushes are often just that. It often happens that as we get to know someone closer, the original interest fades away. I think a good approach would be to become closer friends first before laying it all out. Protect your own feelings first. Take it slow. It sounds like that you know that your friends will be supportive and accepting. That's something to keep in mind as you go through your coming out journey and which will definitely help you in taking the next steps! Always remember though that when it comes to coming out and having your first date/relationship, there is no rush. Take your time. Do whatever feels right to you. Follow your instincts at all times. If something doesn't feel right, sometimes it is better to stop and give it some thought. I hope this helps a bit!
thanks for the replies!! i guess i should have said he is openly gay! but he is not over the top, in fact i wouldn't know off the bat that he liked guys--as i am attracted more to less "obviously" gay guys. i can't explain it, ive never felt this for a girl i know, its almost like some force is propelling me towards getting to know him.
Hi. Let me also extend a 'welcome to EC!' You have a friend in common with this guy, right? Maybe you need to ask that friend for a little more info about this guy you're crushing on. That might seem a little odd if you're not out - it just depends on the questions you ask. At the same time, you might want to think about coming out to some people. It will make having a relationship MUCH easier if you've gotten that out of the way. Good luck! Keep us posted.
