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Dying alone

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Cloud Nine 5, Aug 1, 2007.

  1. Cloud Nine 5

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    Something still keeps me from doing anything that could expose me to people ((pretty much why I'm so lonely and inexperienced with guys and I"m almost 18). Now I read something about gay people dying alone and actually started to freak out so I guess the thought of that subconciously had really affected me. The possible future affects my present.

    I just realized how likely that concept is.
    I just can't see how I'm ever gonna live peacefully knowing my life's not gonna completely suck. I honestly can't pictue myself doing good when I'm older. No kids (I would never adopt with a man - the concept doesn't even seem right to me, "never say never" but yeah - no way)

    And what are really the odds that I'll find someone I love and be with years from now? Not that high. (Hell, I hardly have CRUSHES on gay people) And even if it happens (the doubt alone is horrible) then what if we break up somewhere down the road or what if he dies before me (likely too)? Old people usually have the stability or marriage AND the support of their kids. No matter whatever happens in the relationship, the kids are there. It's horrible enough that I won't have kids of my own and if I do it will have to be in some weird condition that is yet again NOT guarenteed. Gay people have no guarentee to have a peaceful life.

    I can't believe this is the big summer where I'm supposed to change and all cause it's all going worse and the thought of Setpember is pretty horrifying because I'm not in the mood for school and people when I'm unhappy and need to PRETEND. I generally haven't accomplished anything I wanted.
     
  2. Choucho

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    I know this won't exactly help, but there's a pretty good chance of straight people dying alone too.
    What's important is that you don't give up hope, always expect that something better can come along at any moment. Because if you're too busy worrying about dying alone, you could pass up an opportunity to notice a really amazing guy.
    There's no need to be worried about dying alone so early in life, you just need to make the most of what you've got. Worry about what you can do first, and then worry about things you have no control over later.
    It's not entirely important to find your life partner as soon as possible, you just need to enjoy the experiences that drop in your path, because in the end, these things tend to come along when you least expect them. :wink:
    Best wishes from the butterfly, good luck. ^_^ Hope I helped a little.
     
  3. Level N Human

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    I'm not homosexual, so I don't know how if I'll really be able to understand how it is, but I want to try and help by putthing some things into perspective.

    Something still keeps me from doing anything that could expose me to people ((pretty much why I'm so lonely and inexperienced with guys and I"m almost 18


    I dont' think being inexperienced at 18 is such a big deal. Many straight people are still inexperienced at this age. Heck, I've never even kissed anyone. When you meet someone really special, I don't believe inexperience is something that could deter your relstionship, since in a relationship you should be able to experience each other comfortably. :slight_smile: About meeting other gay men, you don't say what it is that is preventing you from meeting others. If it is a confidence issue, I think that is something most everyone has to overcome. If it's because you are still closeted or live in a homophobic area, well I don't know what to say about that since I live in a pretty friendly area. Hopefully someone else around these fora will be able to shed some light about that.

    Now I read something about gay people dying alone and actually started to freak out so I guess the thought of that subconciously had really affected me. The possible future affects my present.

    Are you really alone? You have family and friends, and plenty of time to find a mate. Time is better spent searching or waiting than being lonely isn't it? (*hug*)

    I just realized how likely that concept is.
    I just can't see how I'm ever gonna live peacefully knowing my life's not gonna completely suck. I honestly can't pictue myself doing good when I'm older. No kids (I would never adopt with a man - the concept doesn't even seem right to me, "never say never" but yeah - no way)


    If you're fretting about having children - I know it's very tough being a single parent, but you can still adopt and be a single father, though, I don't know what you would do if you had a partner and wanted to adopt a child because ti seems wrong to you. (But think of it this way, if youu find youself in a such a predicament, then you've found someone to be with and that solves the aforementioned problems.)

    And what are really the odds that I'll find someone I love and be with years from now? Not that high. (Hell, I hardly have CRUSHES on gay people) And even if it happens (the doubt alone is horrible) then what if we break up somewhere down the road or what if he dies before me (likely too)? Old people usually have the stability or marriage AND the support of their kids. No matter whatever happens in the relationship, the kids are there. It's horrible enough that I won't have kids of my own and if I do it will have to be in some weird condition that is yet again NOT guarenteed. Gay people have no guarentee to have a peaceful life.

    These are all problems faced by those of all orientations. Unrequited love, death, stability, some straight couples can't have kids. Unfortunately, no one is guaranteed a peaceful life. It seems you are worrying about problems that haven't happened to you yet; what are the chances all of them will happen? Choose to dealw itht hem as they come, and when you have a specific problem come, I'm sure someone around EC will be there to help when you ask - very friendly community.

    I can't believe this is the big summer where I'm supposed to change and all cause it's all going worse and the thought of Setpember is pretty horrifying because I'm not in the mood for school and people when I'm unhappy and need to PRETEND. I generally haven't accomplished anything I wanted.

    Terror of college? Hey, there's no need to pretend. Can you talk to friends about it? Big changes in your life; it's okay to be a little terrified. All my friends are freaking out about moving out, getting enrolled, and adjusting to the chaos of student life too. If you haven't accomplished what you wanted to, then start now! Better late than never.
     
  4. beckyg

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    I think it is a common fear for everyone (not just homosexuals) that they might not find the right person to share their life with. I have the most gorgeous daughter and I know she has experienced feelings like this. She's a little on the shy side so hasn't had that much experience with having a relationship but she's coming out of that and gaining more confidence in herself as she gets older. A common denominator with anxiety is that we tend to worry about things which really are extreme. You are only 17 and you are worried about dying alone? Think about how realistic that is. I would focus on the small things that make your life pleasurable each day. Focus on getting an education, making friends, and just enjoying life. That special someone will come along probably when you least expect it.
     
  5. Emile

    Emile Guest

    I'm not sure if it'll help you, but I feel the exact same way. I tell myself that I'm not the only one on Earth who will live a life like I'm about to live. It's normal to feel that way. And you can have support from your family, your friends, and of course : here:wink:.

    So don't worry that much about your future, focus on the present and live your life:thumbsup: .
     
  6. K0msomolets

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    As far as children go, many gay people have children. There is no reason not to if that is what you want. There are merely a few 'technical' issues that have to be overcome. Some have a surrogate mother for their child, some come to an arrangment with a female friend, some adopt and others are married with kids when they discover/accept that they are gay. It happens all the time. Where there is a genuine will, there is a way! It entirely depends on what you want and what you think will make you happy.

    Somebody once said that 'Its not death that I'm afraid of, its the dying that is scary'. You may disagree with me, but in my humble little opinion we all die alone. Some may have the good fortune to have friends or family around when they die (no doubt a source of some solace), but even so its something that comes to each of us individually and the horrid impending finality of which cannot really be shared with others.

    Somebody above mentioned that even straight people can die alone. That is probably as likely as for a gay person. I think of my own dad who was in a big family but died alone - victim to a car crash on the highway. There are no guarantees even if you have lots of loved ones that you will have them at your bedside at that time that you die. My Gran had a stroke and passed out immediately, she never woke up and only died two weeks later - I doubt that she was aware of our presence at her bedside. So even if you are not alone, you may not be aware of the difference. Certainly the doctors didn't think she was aware having done numerous tests. I also think of my wife's family. Her dad died of cancer and she was the only one who didn't go AWOL when the time was at hand. Why did they go AWOL? Because some people though they love the dying person, cannot deal with death. So once again there are no guarantees, in fact its probably more realistic to expect to die alone and be 'pleasantly' surprised if you don't... So best not to worry about that bit.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    At the risk of being repetitive and somewhat unimmaginative, I'm going to repost the same passage that I included in a thread just yesterday. I think it captures what everyone here is trying to tell you...

    YESTERDAY, TODAY and TOMORROW

    There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

    One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.

    All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. YESTERDAY is gone.

    The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

    TOMORROW'S sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW, for it is as yet unborn.

    This leaves only one day - TODAY - Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities – YESTERDAY and TOMORROW that we break down.

    It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad - it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.

    Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time.


    You need to let go of what you have or haven't done with your past, and absolutely let go of what the future may hold. The thought of dying alone may have been just something that has caused you to ponder your future - and you may not be all that hung up on the actual event. But there is NOTHING you can do right now to determine how the entire rest of your life is going to go.

    Read this passage. Then read it again. Keep reading it. It's true, and if you can start to live by these principles, you really will start to feel better about yourself and your situation. I know I have. Things have a way of working themselves out if you believe they will. Things also have a way of never going right, if you don't think they ever will...
     
  8. downboyup

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    wise advice. and yes. it can be scary

    one guarantee there is, is that you can fill your life with the people you want to have in your life.

    it is a pretty populace planet, but there are a lot of people out there who enjoy company, family or not.

    being gay is a part of a minority, however within this minority you can find great friends and company.
     
  9. Cloud Nine 5

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    Thanks everyone, your posts are as effective as they can be with me.

    Yes, there are lots of straight people that will die alone too but in general life's not always perfect and people still get the chance to make it perfect. It wont be like that with me no matter what I do. THAT sucks. Being a single father sounds possible. It's either that or being with a guy. Both options are not satisfying...

    Why am I even thinking about all of that at the age of 17? I have nothing better to do. NO life. Thats why I hate being inexperinced with guys so much (I'm not just talking about sex, no one knows anything at all about me), I never saw anything good come out of it.

    Every day is so bland and dead. I don't have any friends left too and there's no distraction. I have no present, just past and messed up future in my head. I'm not starting college yet, this is gonna be my last year of high school and the reason why I was stressed about this summer is because I was weird this year. Some days I'd wake up drained and not live at all, then leave school after one class. Or leave school because I saw something I didn't like and/or was jealous of. Seeing how people are naturally all happy and I'm doing nothing with my life.

    It's not like just last year went downhill all of a sudden and can go back up. I wanted to kill myself the summer before high school but I didnt and then somehow all that hate and depression turned into a big show of confidence and blah blah. I hated the past so much that it gave me strength to go and meet new people. I was at a totally different school and did really great the first few months. I actually got friendlier without faking it too much. I started dating girls that year and then got back to being depressed. Gradually I started to be the same way I was again. Things got so bad that it only took the first 2 weeks of last year for the teacher to personally scehdule a meeting with me. My mother had to come to school twice. And I'm REALLY tired of having to go through those humiliating meetings. And I have self respect too.. I don't want my teacher to check up on me all the time.

    Maybe I could pretend then but not anymore. My life is incredibly empty and I don't even care how lame that sounds anymore. I got so low last year that I promised myself to forget about that year and try to have a BIG summer that would change me. To meet new gay people and expermient with my life.

    It's crazy that this summer is over and I haven't done anything. Nothing's happening. EC's nice to post at but I'm gonna need real life friends and people. I have about 3 weeks left before the year starts and I cant think of anything intense to do before it does. I don't wanan think about what'll happen if nothing happens.

    Like anyone's gonna read that. Oh well.
     
  10. JayHew

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    Life does not come to you, Cloud, you have to be an active participant. That means you need to know something of yourself and have some planning in what you want to do and how you want to do it. Nothing is given, it is earned and the part of earning of it is your active involvement. It sounds as if you expect things to happen to you, that opportunity, friends, happy times will come knocking at your door and embrace you when you open the door.

    Happiness is paramount for everyone, but the only true source of it comes from within, it can't come from without. In order to be happy, you need to know who you are. You have to know how you feel about a multitude of things, not thinking you know, but feeling you know. Many times we hold "feelings" that are truly not our own, but opinions and feelings of others and unless challenged will not fade but can likely become the whipping taskmaster within that drives all pleasure away.

    Depression comes from the inability of you being able to know yourself but also being unable to express yourself. Blunted personal expression and growth dulls the personality and stunts the character, in order to change it, you have to challenge what beliefs you hold.

    Currently you hold:
    1. Gays can't be happy
    2. Gays are less than any other person in the world
    3. Everyone else in the world has a wonderful life, but not you or gays
    4. Your life will suck
    5. You have no control over your life.

    All negative. In order for that to change, you have to change what you hold to be truth to yourself. You need to establish your own set of truths to live by and learn to live life deliberately. If not, all that happens is you constantly will proclaim and live your self fulfilling prophecies of doom.

    As for the dying alone, it happens, but it doesn't have to be that way. Do what you need to do to try to prevent it, meaning open yourself up to allowing people into your life at as many levels as you can.
     
  11. The Lone Duck

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    I don't mean this to sound patronizing: When I was 18 I thought that I would remain exactly as I was for the rest of my life. Yet I can hardly describe how much difference two years has made. Don't think that the way you feel will never change.
     
  12. downboyup

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    cloud nine - something gotta change -

    sometimes it is good to follow a little program to get you over the hump, what follows is common sense kind of stuff, but sometimes we need a little push and a remiinder -

    1) vitamins - particularly B vitamins, they help calm the mind down -

    take at least 400 mg of B 1 per day, and a few high quality b complex vitamins.

    see if you can get extra calcium and magnesium


    2) take long walks, going a different direction each day. get up early to do this

    3) write to friends or family that you haven't seen in a long while, talking about things that you enjoyed together

    4) rearrange your room, tidy up, finish an incomplete project etc etc.

    just do a bit on each one of these each morning - put some energy into it.

    - i have had similar feelings before - i found that swimming laps in the pool continuously until i got very angry helped to pull me out of a 'mind funk'.

    keep posting - it is only the net, but we all very very real too.
     
  13. Cloud Nine 5

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    Jerry you rock as usual. I've tried to find out what I really feel many times and I know that I do want a guy or a friend or even sex to feel like I'm doing something. I almost came out as a way to feel I'm doing something so I'm not THAT scared of being gay.

    I think that's as good as I can do inside. I know what I want and I'm done lying to myself about that. Now it's time to see how I feel with what I want, I need to face it so I can stop being paranoid.

    The disadventages are going to stay there forever... no matter what breakthrough I make (or don't make..) inside, the same things I hate will be there. It's just that if some exciting OUTSIDE things happen in my life then I'll care less about them. Not many 17 year olds gay or not think about dying alone.

    The Lone Duck, yeah that's what I'm waiting for. I had a pathetic short phone "relationship" with someone and I felt 100x better without even knowing him but just talking (actually knowing him was bad, but anyway). I wanna see what something more intense could do.

    downboyup, the vitamins thing made me laugh... thanks. I wish that was my problem. Good ideas to forget about it for a bit but I should confront my problems too. I'm definitely gonna work on this depressing room. It's kinda funny how everyone mentions "family and friends" like that's something basic that's always there to escape. It's not. I don't have friends (I was asked to go out today by someone but that same person is going on a trip with his friend, tells me about it and won't invite me... not gonna jump on the chance to go out with him) and I'm not close to anyone in my family except my mother that would hate me being gay and my aunt.
     
    #13 Cloud Nine 5, Aug 3, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2007
  14. EthanS

    EthanS Guest

    I havnt acheived anything i wanted either and i dont wanna go to college relli i'd rather get a job.. and i dont wanna die alone.. dats my worst fear:tears: :tears: . O i wish i cud reply wiv sumthing long:icon_sad:
     
  15. downboyup

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    what kind of things are you going to do to cheer up your depressing room?

    i once created a food wall, with every scrap of leftovers for a few weeks put on the wall in to a sculpture. i thought it was art. it was alright for a few weeks and then it smelt and then it was depressing again.
     
  16. EthanS

    EthanS Guest

    Cleaning ur room should make u less depressed, it did for me but now its messy again.. but when its sunny, the ceiling colour kinda goes rainbow coulor but faint, coz of da things dat gets reflected, cheers me up :newcolor: