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I feel like I'm pushing myself out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by KneeDragger, Sep 19, 2009.

  1. KneeDragger

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    I'm 41, married, and I have 3 high school age kids. I knew I was gay back in high school, but I ignored the feelings and got married with the hope of making the gay go away. It didn't.

    I have lots of questions, but the question I want to start with is why do I feel like I'm pushing myself out of the closet? I don't think I'm ready to come out, but that doesn't seem to be stopping me. I've never been closer to telling my wife than now and that's not by choice. I feel like something in the back of my mind is pushing me forward. I'm sure somebody around here has been in a similar situation and can offer some advice. What's happening to me? I'm totally unprepared for this. Why now? These thoughts of coming out race through my mind all of the time and I can't make them go away.
     
  2. Greggers

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    I cant really relate too much to the coming out at 41 and being married with kids thing, but i think the feeling of pushing yourself out of the closet is a normal one.

    Everyone has a part of them that does not want to come out. That part is controlled by fear. Fear of what your wife will think, fear of what your kids will do, fear of your parents, fear of co-workers, ect. Since fear is such a strong emotion it can really do a number on you.

    But - Everyone also has a part of them that wants to come out. That part is controlled by detirmination and strength. Detirmination to somehow turn your life around and make it better than it is now. Strength to tell the people you love and hold strong through the responses. Seeing as fear is much stronger, it tends to be the prominent thing your focusing on when you think of coming out.

    You have to remember, that part of you that wants to come out is still a part of you. Its not some ghost or god or little cricket in a tux. Its you. The point when you start coming out will be when your detirmination and strength outweigh your fear. I dont think you have to worry about blurting anything out at the dinner table or anything. When your ready however, your still going to be filled with fear. It might just be the most terrifying thing you ever have to do. Thats normal to feel, but under that fear you will find such a surge of strength from some place you didnt even know existed burst up and help you through it until the task is done.

    As for the married and 3 kids thing, a few really great members on this site are in or have been in similar situations and im sure they can help you :slight_smile: Our "EC Dad" Jim is one of them, and he is quite amazing and helpful. (He is bound to pop up on this thread im sure)
     
  3. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi and welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    I hope you'll be able to find here all the help and support you need.
    I can only imagine how difficult your situation might be. I think you've been in the closet for so long that you can't stand it anymore. That's probably what is pushing you to come out even if you don't feel ready and are afraid to do it.
    I think you'll find several guys around who had lived the same situation and I'm sure they'll have good advices to give you.
    Here is mine. It's ok that you are gay, and it's ok to come out if you feel the time has come. But try not to do it unplanned. You need to have an idea of what to do if things go wrong with your wife and children. And you have to tell them on an appropriate moment for them as it might be a big shock for them.
    Until there, makes yourself at home, you have nothing to be ashamed or scared about here.
    Take care, Eleanor
     
  4. s5m1

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    Hi and welcome to EC. You have found a great place to help you work through this. I was in your exact shoes a few years ago. I was married and also have three kids, although they are a bit younger than yours.

    I also knew I was gay when I was young, but I resisted and repressed those feelings. It was a different time when we were growing up. I did not know anyone who was openly gay. Homophobia was rampant. So, I just tried to bury it, believing that I could ignore my true feelings and live life as a straight man. In reality, though, we can’t change who we are. The longer we try to live a lie, the greater the internal struggle. I think this is part of what you are feeling.

    As you know by now, those feelings about men don’t go away. Even after getting married and having kids, inside I still always knew I was gay. As time went on, I became depressed because of it. I hated being gay. I was having intimacy difficulties, not just in my marriage but also with friends. I saw no way out and became seriously depressed.

    Eventually, my marriage fell apart and I sought therapy for my depression. It took me 18 months to admit to my psychologist that I was gay. Only then did I begin to heal. It was not an easy process but definitely one that was well worth it.

    I learned to accept that I was gay and no longer hate that part of me. I have a very happy life now, with a wonderful boyfriend, who my kids adore. It was not easy getting here but it was well worth it.

    EC is a great place for you to explore your feelings and to seek advice. I strongly encourage you to see a therapist. I could not have done it without mine. You will be glad you did. I think you will come to learn that no matter how hard you try to resist it, you cannot suppress your feelings. This is likely why you have this growing urge. If you choose to come out, there will be some tough days, but they will quickly be behind you ,and you will begin living a happy life.

    We only have one life to live. When we are on our death bed looking back at our lives, we can say we lived a happy life, true to ourselves, or we led an unhappy life. Only you can decide which life you will choose. I am glad I chose the former.

    Again, welcome to EC and please let us know how we can help.
     
  5. Chip

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    All growth occurs when the discomfort of standing still or staying where you are is greater than the discomfort or fear of change. I suspect that some part of you is simply tired of living the lie -- essentially being out of integrity with yourself -- and ready to start taking the steps to be able to live live openly.

    Of course there are a lot of challenges and fears along the way. It's already been suggested that you find a therapist to work with as you go through this process, and I think that's excellent advice. I also very highly recommend the book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort, which has several chapters that specifically deal with heterosexually married gay men, the issues of their wives, and numerous other things that will be exceptionally helpful and useful as you start on this journey.

    As others have said, I think you'll find EC to be a wonderfully supportive community open to helping with any of the issues or questions that come up, and I encourage you to bring any questions, concerns, feelings -- no matter how trivial or how "stupid" you might think they are -- and share them. I think the affirmation you get from the others here that have been in your shoes will be enormously helpful to you as you embark on this new path :slight_smile:
     
  6. greg

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    Hi I was in the same position so you are not alone, the feeling that you want to push yourself out are the words that I would have used if only I had thought of them. You are preparing to come out and it is scary, but once you say those words "I am gay" you will feel the weight lift from your shoulders. Remember that the only thing that you will fear is fear itself. The world is not going to come crashing down around you in fact quite the opposite you will find. Just learn to controll your feelings and slow your mind down because it will seem that your thoughts will be racing at 100 miles per hour, you have the rest of your life to catch up with everything so dont rush yourself, look inside yourself and find your inner spirit, and when all is said and done you can look anybody in the eye and say "I dont have any more secrets" "I am me" and then feel the freedom that you have given yourself. You are part of a tribe. This may not make a lot of sense at the moment but it will soon. Greg
     
  7. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC! I am the previously mentioned and self proclaimed 'EC Dad'. (Thanks Greggers - you're too kind!!! (*hug*))

    I really don't have much to add to this thread, because you've gotten some excellent advice already. 's5m1' pretty much summed up what I would have said to a tee.

    In my particular case, I never really concluded that I was gay (or at least I never consciously allowed myself to come to that conclusion). But I certainly did have a 'curiosity' for men from my late teens that never did go away. I also got married and had a couple of kids. And the feelings never went away. I didn't like them, but I was powerless over them. But instead of dealing with them, I continued to bury them. That didn't work very well. All the inner turmoil lead me to develop an addiction that was far more destructive to me and my family than coming out to them would have been. And in the end, I needed to come out to them anyway. So I would suggest that the moral of my story is to deal with this, rather than try to bury it any longer. The truth will eventually come out - and you're better to do it in a responsible way when you're on good terms with your wife and your kids than to wait until you 'have to' come out to them for some reason.

    Finding a therapist to talk to about this is the best advice I can give. My therapist helped me immensely. I couldn't have done it without him. He helped me see the situation from my wife's perspective when I was totally and completely wrapped up in myself. He helped me and my wife (because she would see him as well - with me and on her own) to communicate more effectively. That is what allowed us to remain friends and effective parents together for the sake of our young children. He was also there for me when I was so depressed that I didn't see the point in going on. He gets a lot of credit for me still being around today - because there were some very dark and lonely moments on this journey I've been on.

    Spending time here in EC was also a tremendous help to me. I was able to feel comfortable with the fact that I was gay. Because here were all these gay people - of all different ages, from all different walks of life, from all over the world - and there was nothing wrong with them. They were all lovely, helpful, supportive people. Ordinary people. And I finally came to realize that it was perfectly OK for me to be gay. I accepted it because I wasn't going to be able to change it. And I found a lot of strength here.

    So, again, welcome to EC. I'm glad you've found this site, because it sounds like you're ready to take some steps. Those steps will be different for everyone. And there's no fixed time line either. Take your time. And if you want to chat with me one on one, you can send me a private message (because I'm one of the moderators here).

    Good luck! We're all here rooting for you - and for your family. (*hug*)
     
  8. KneeDragger

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    Thanks for all of the advice. Fear is definitely the big thing I'm fighting with right now. I'm still trying to get my head around all of this. I've struggled with this many times in the past, but this time definitely feels different.

    I went out and got the 10 smart things book calchip mentioned. Now to find the time to secretly read it. You all have given me a little bit of peace because now there's something to focus on. First, I want to read the book. Second, I'm going to look into the therapist thing. I'm not totally sure about that yet. I've never talked to one and I'm not sure of the value of it. I guess I'm a little biased against it because I'm a very self-reliant person. No offense to people in therapy or to therapists on here. I'm just ignorant because I've never needed one. The only reason I'm looking into this is because of the impact on my family. Jim mentioned being able to see the situation through his wife's eyes. I think that's something I need to do.

    So that's the plan for now. I'll keep you posted and I promise you I will be back with lots more questions.
     
  9. KneeDragger

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    I thought about my comments about talking to a therapist and I guess I need to say something here. I'm not excited about talking to someone because I'm afraid that they're going to make it easier for me to come out and I'm still scared of that. In other words, I'm afraid it will work.

    Now, any suggestions on how to find someone?
     
  10. s5m1

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    It’s good to hear you have a plan. Just take it slowly, one step at a time and you will be fine. I certainly understand the fear you are talking about. If you don’t deal with it, it will eventually eat you up.

    Talking to a therapist does not mean you have to come out. The choice will always be yours. A therapist will help you work through your feelings and emotions to see options you may not have realized were there.

    I was also reluctant to see a therapist. I always viewed myself as the person who gave advice and helped others, not the one who needed help. I thought I could deal with anything on my own. I was wrong.

    As for finding one, there are a number of options here. You could ask your primary care physician for a recommendation. You don’t have to tell him why. That is what I did. You could call your local LGBT community center to see if they have any recommendations. You can also call a physician referral line at your local hospital, particularly if it is a large, teaching hospital.

    And, as always, we will be here to offer whatever advice we can.
     
  11. Chip

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    It's normal and understandable that you'd feel fear about moving toward that possibility. But the fact you're willing to face that fear head on and take the steps that are right for you says a lot... that you're ready to start that process, even if it may not feel like it right now. And keep in mind that it's all something that you do on your own schedule as it feels safe to you, and not dictated by anyone else.

    As for your wife and family, one of the things you'll find as you read Kort's book is that almost without exception in situations like yours, the wife is not blameless; Kort gives a number of illustrations where the wife, once there was discussion, admitted that she had questions in her own mind about her husband's sexuality, and was essentially complicit in the denial process that went on. Understanding that -- the idea that it's not solely your fault -- is really key to the healing process.

    I would disagree in part with s5m1 on ways to find a therapist. Hospitals and physicians are generally *not* good referral sources for this sort of thing because good psychological care and good medical care are completely different; you don't need a psychiatrist, whose specialties are in dealing with mental illness, you need a talented psychologist or clinical social worker with experience in LGBT issues in general, and coming out later in life issues specifically.

    My own experience is that the masters level therapists (MSW or MA Psych) are often better therapists than the Ph.D level people because the nature of their training is different, but of course that's a broad statement that doesn't apply in all cases. If I were you, I'd look for the local gay-lesbian newspaper (there's almost always one in any reasonable sized city) and look for listings for drop-in coming out groups. Most of these are run by, or associated with, therapists, and it will give you a chance, at very low cost, to interact with a therapist and see if you like his/her personality and style. Alternatively, you can search online resources or call the local gay-lesbian center and ask for a list of therapists and specialties, and make some calls.

    Therapy is very different from medical care; it's much more personalized, and no two therapists approach things the same way, so finding someone whose style you like, and who you feel comfortable talking to is going to be most important.

    If you'd like more input on this, feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to talk further privately.
     
  12. Jim1454

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    I can totally understand what you're saying here. But think about it this way...

    You're gay. That seems to be something your recognize, even if you're not completely accepting of it. That's not soemthing that is going to change - regardless of what you do. The question is really how to deal with it.

    You're initial post suggests that you've reached the point where you're not sure how to deal with this on your own any more. You have a strong desire to 'out yourself' which to me suggests you've reached your limit in terms of keeping this a secret. And thats understandable.

    Do you know what to do? It doesn't sound like it at the present time. So working with someone else would likely be good.

    Remember - coming out to people (or at a minimum your wife) doesn't necessarily mean that you've leaving her - or that she's leaving you. It might simply mean that you're not going to lie to her or to yourself any more about your orientation. Along the same lines as telling her that you really don't like her meatloaf or that orange dress she wears all the time - you need to get it off your chest so that you can have a more honest and open and healthy and intimate relationship with her - without secrets.

    Having said that, some people aren't going to be satisfied living like that. Because true honestly and openness would suggest that you shouldn't be with a woman if your'e gay, or that she shouldn't be with a gay man if she's hetrosexual. But there are lots of possibilities that you and your wife can discuss.

    That's the key though - discussion. And without the guidance of a professional therapist, I think most couples lack some of the fundamental skills required to have a real discussion.

    On your question about where to find one... I work for a large company that has an employee assistance program. I accessed a therapist initially through that program. When I met with that therapist, she referred me to someone else who she thought could better deal with the issues I was experiencing. And she was right. That second therapist was perfect for me. I was very lucky.

    Again - good luck.
     
  13. KneeDragger

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    I got brave and checked into counseling. I found a couple of MSW's that specialize in gay/lesbian issues. I'm interested in going, but of course there's a cost involved. My insurance is crappy in this area, so basically it's an out of pocket expense for me. Short term it shouldn't be a problem, but at like $80 a visit, it's going to get expensive quickly.

    About how many visits have other people in my situation needed? I know everyone is different, but I guess I'm looking for an idea of what this is going to cost me.
     
  14. Jim1454

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    No idea. I was dealing with addiction recovery on top of my separation on top of coming to terms with being gay. (I was pretty messed up!) I started out going twice a week! I did that for probably 3 months or so. Then weekly for most of a year, then every other week for another 6 months until I went to him on a monthly basis for a couple of months.

    All told I went for 2 years. But that's me. It was possibly the best money I ever spent.
     
  15. KneeDragger

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    Just wanted to give you all a quick update. I had my first counseling session today and I have to admit I was scared to death before the appointment. I couldn't concentrate on work today. Once I got there, I just opened up and didn't hold anything back. I think I got everything out that I had hoped to discuss.

    She really put me at ease and we discussed lots of things including if I'm gay or not. I have accepted that I am, but hearing her confirm it totally threw me off. I kind of walked out in shock after the appointment. I drove back to work saying "I'm gay, I'm gay" over and over. I was kind of a mess for a couple of hours.

    But as the day went on, I relaxed more and a sense of calmness came over me. By the end of the day, it was like I was on some sort of high. I felt like my old self. I think I came out to myself today. Just hearing it confirmed from someone else was major. It was like I was a complete person.

    It sounds like the game plan is going to be me coming out to my wife. If you asked me this morning I would have said that I can't do it. After this afternoon, I think I can.
     
  16. Pseudojim

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    Congratulations man!!!

    i know what that feeling is like, i was euphoric after acknowledging my desire for men too. I sympathise with your position as it currently is, and i can't say it will all be peachy straight away, but rest assured, sooner than you think you will be happier than you have been in a long time.
     
  17. s5m1

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    Congratulations on taking this very big step. Coming out to yourself is sometimes the hardest part. I am really happy to hear you started counseling. It was invaluable to me. Please keep us updated on your progress and let us know when you need some help. Remember, we are always here for you.
     
  18. EM68

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    Congrats! Coming out to yourself is the first step. I would fist get used to the idea of being gay and being comfortable with it before you come out to your wife. The best bit of advice I got was coming out is not a race. Come out at your own pace.
     
  19. Chip

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    What a fantastic experience you've had. I am really glad to hear that you had such a great first appointment with your therapist, and it sounds like she was very supportive and affirming.

    Also, you mention financial issues, and $80 seems a little bit high for a masters-level therapist in Indiana; that sounds like the "rack rate." I wouldn't be afraid to ask for a break on the cost. Psychological services aren't high on most people's priority list right now, with the economy in it's current state, so most therapists are very willing to work with clients on cost, particularly when there's no insurance reinbursement.

    Also, if you haven't gotten to that part of the book yet, Kort talks a lot about the issue of coming out to a female spouse. It's something you want to take your time with, and I would suspect that as you work more with your therapist, you'll find a lot of issues to work through not just about coming out, but the other aspects of having held back from yourself the truth about your sexuality for so long.

    I wish you the best. You've already taken the most important step, which is coming to acceptance within yourself. The next steps may not be the easiest, but you'll be surprised how much more free you feel as you take each one.
     
  20. Jim1454

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    Congratulations. It was great news to hear that your appointment went well and that you're feeling so good about yourself. You're on the right path. Good for you!

    Re the cost, you might ask your counsellor if they would be willing to accept a lower rate if paid in advance. I did that with mine. I paid for 10 sessions up front, and got a 33% discount by doing so. He offered, but sometimes you need to ask.