I feel like I can't be happy unless everyone else is. Every time something goes wrong with my family or my friends, it automatically registers in my brain as my problem, not anyone else's. I can't stand it. If my mom (who, as some of you know, has serious mental problems and tends to have breakdowns on a regular basis) goes off about something, I take it like it's my fault. I don't exactly blame myself for it, but I assume it as my responsibility. Like I need to fix it, even though logically I know I can't. I almost feel like I don't deserve to be happy when things like that happen, and when it does it's God's way of proving that to me. The only way I can describe it is that I feel like a "whipping boy", that I deserve all of the backlash from everyone else's problems even if I had nothing to do with them. Every time my parents get in a fight and they start yelling at each other, I feel like I'm being stabbed. Like I'm the reason they're firghting. The other day I was listening to music at my computer and they started an argument, and I literally forced myself to turn off the music and listen to the entire argument because I felt like I deserved to hear it. Because their argument was my problem. I felt like I was being punished and I deserved the punishment. I constantly feel that way. Even though I logically know that none of it really is my fault, the painful sense of guilt and urgency is still there. I don't know why I feel this way. It's the worst feeling in the world. I just constantly feel responsible for the problems of the people I care about, even if I had nothing to do with them. It's a horrible, dark, aimless guilt, like that little voice in the back of my head is always screaming at me to do something, but won't tell me what it is. And then I always feel helpless. Like I can't do anything by myself. Like I should know how to deal with the world's problems. But whenever things get tough I just curl up into a ball and cry, all the while feeling like I need to help somehow, but I can't because I just don't know how. And I feel like there's something wrong with me because of that. That I should have been born with the ability to help people. But I'm so useless when it really counts. And I hate myself for that. Even now. I can't deal with my own problems and feelings, so what am I doing? I'm posting on a forum on the Internet asking what I should do. Am I really that helpless? Why can't I handle anything by myself? It would honestly make me feel better to know that someone, somewhere understands the way I feel right now. I just don't know what to do.
First off: (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) Second: Take a deep breath and relax. You aren't alone in feeling this way. Feeling this way is something I'm no stranger too, so I do know a bit about feeling this way myself. I think your best bet would be to figure out why your feeling like everything is your fault. I know that is easier said then done, but try sitting down and really thinking about what could be causing this. I know in my case it was pretty much the way I'd been raised, always having to think of how everyone else felt and having to bottle up my own emotions and thoughts. It isn't always an easy journey, but it is one that in the long run will help you get to the bottom of why you feel like everyone's whipping boy. Try going to a guidance councilor at school, or someone whom you know will definitely not judge you or blame you for how you are feeling about all this. I don't recommend going to your parents, as I did. My mother pretty much thought I was blaming her for everything (I wasn't). Finding an impartial third party is the best thing to do, that way you can get some honest feedback on what they think might be leading you to feel the way you are.
First of all, you're not being helpless at all by asking for help. Asking for help is a proactive move on your part to deal with your problems. No one should have to face difficult problems alone. I think it's a good idea to learn to assert yourself when people make you upset. If someone bothers you or affects your mood negatively, try confronting them in a proactive manner. Rather than saying nothing about the way you're feeling, or just telling them to stop, it helps to say, "When you do this, I feel this way. I would prefer if you did this instead."
Do you have a psychologist/therapist? If not, I suggest you try to find one. They are trained to help you deal with problems like these.
Repeat after me: You are not responsible for the happyness of others. You are not responsible for fixing the problems of others. You are responsible for you and you alone. Are you to be a mediator when your parents fight? No. Are you to be an armchair psychologist for all of your friends? No. Are you supposed to know how to deal with every single one of life's challenges as it arises? No. None of us are. You're only expected to do the best with what you're given. Work with what you've got. I do like the suggestion above that you be more assertive. You shouldn't need to mediate your parents' fights, but perhaps you should tell them that it upsets you to hear them argue and that you'd appreciate it if they could have more constructive discussions. Otherwise, you're not alone. Most of us feel that way. And most of us are not qualified to solve the world's problems. That's just the way it is.
I know. I've told myself all these things a million times, but it doesn't help. And it's the "knowing the difference" part I have trouble with. And God, I've told them. I've told them so many times. But my mom, who's rarely rational, doesn't listen. And my dad has such a messed up temper when he gets mad that he kind of forgets about everything else. I've told them. But nothing changes.
I've been there. I used to blame myself when my mom and dad would fight, well it's years later I'm out of the house and they still fight. I know this might not help, but you're not to blame. Don't let your parents or anyone else's issues scar you for life. You have to understand that people make their own beds and then get pissed off when they have to lay in them.....tough. Try to take comfort that you won't live at home forever and when you do move out you don't have to visit if you don't want to, or even tell them: "I'm not coming over if you two can't act like adults." (*hug*) I know the damage parents can do to you when you're growing up, mine did it to me and I'm sure theirs did it to them, but you have to know in your heart or hearts that when they fight about, even if it is you, is not your fault. You're gonna make it
I get what you're feeling. My mother struggled with it for years, and I inherited it from her. But consider this-you can't help anyone else until you help yourself. Like the old expression says, worry about the splinter in your own eye before you worry about the tree in your neighbor's. So as hard as it'll be, you have to work on your own happiness. Start with small steps, like saying no if someone asks you for something minor, then move up to saying no if you get asked to work an extra shift, and you can go from there. You'll eventually find a good balance between self-preservation and being a doormat.
