1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I Feel as Though I'm Always Going to Be Alone...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Revan, Sep 21, 2009.

  1. Revan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Messages:
    7,850
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi everyone,
    So I know some of you might just be thinking this is a message of wallowing in my tears or w/e. But basically here's the deal: for the past four years since I came out I have had one boyfriend per year, but each one has never lasted for more than a month with the exception of my most recent BF which lasted 5 months (who now is dating my 3rd ex-boyfriend but that's another lovely story :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:). I realize that it may seem odd for a 21 year old to be looking to settle down but frankly it's all that's ever really on my mind. I do understand I need to re-come out to my parents (see one of my first few posts on here to know most of the story) if I'm ever going to be able to do the moving in, engaged, married thing, but it's still a matter that I've never even been able to reach a year, let alone 6 months with a boyfriend. As for my current surroundings, it seems like 95% of my friends are all in relationships or getting engaged/married, and yet here I am left single and in the single zone. (hehe, now I just got a reminder of "THE TWILIGHT ZONE Oooooooo" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) As well, most of the guys in London seem to have some problem with me in that no one in London I message on Plenty of Fish cares to want to respond.

    The problem is, whether it's my autism or this want/need to be in a relationship, or a combo of both, I seem to eventually go too strong and commit my heart to the guy too soon and as a result I either scare the guy off and get my heart broke or the guy just decides he can't continue and get my heart broken.

    Does anyone have ANY clue about how I can really find love? And I'm talking serious here, please don't give me one line answers like "be patient" or "don't find love, let love find you" because I've heard it all. I would really really like in depth answers because really that's the only ones I care to listen to.

    Thank-you all....NOW HAPPY DANCE! (!)
     
    #1 Revan, Sep 21, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2009
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think you've just identified one of the biggest things you can do to help yourself find a healthy relationship... and that's work on the issues you've identified. You're already halfway there, because you recognize that you have this tendency to come on too strong and/or commit too early, scaring people off. Paradoxically, it is the fear of losing the person that causes you to lose the person. And that fear comes from an insecurity, perhaps some deep-seated fear that's not even in your conscious, about somehow not being good enough, or not deserving a great guy or whatever... and of course the fear is irrational and untrue, but it's hard to convince your unconscious of this, and that's where the change needs to occur.

    There are a number of things you can do, but the best bet is to seek out a counselor who can help you understand and clear out those unfounded fears. I also recommend Joe Kort's amazing book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which will really help you dive in and understand your own shortcomings and how they affect you in relationships.

    But the other important thing to realize is that simply by recognizing there's an issue... you're already way ahead of the game. Most guys that have this sort of problem just keep going from one failed relationship to another, never understanding why the problem is happening, so never having the opportunity to fix it. But you already get that part, so the rest is a lot easier :slight_smile:
     
  3. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A couple things spring to mind.

    First off, you seem to be in love with being in love, if you will. A bit like you're walking around with your arm around an invisible person, wearing a shirt that reads "insert long-term boyfriend here". And frankly, that's not really how it works. In the US, anyway, there's also the stereotype of a woman in a pre-bought wedding gown, desperately looking for a guy - ANY guy - to slip on the tuxedo and stand next to her at the altar. In those cases, the wedding is the only important thing - the groom just some minor detail to be filled in later. And that's a recipe for disaster.

    LTRs are great, no question. But they're an end result. They come from saying "We like each other so much, we want to be committed." And, as you've found, it's not that common at your age. Guys your age tend to be a bit more "in the moment", enjoying the here and now. And there's nothing wrong with that, really. That doesn't make them "wrong" or you "right". They just have different priorities.

    So how to find somebody who might have the same priorities as you? Well, take another look at that website you're on. It's called Plenty of Fish. You know, as in "Don't worry about that last guy - there's plenty of fish in the sea." Given that basic attitude, does it sound like the ideal place to find a forever lover? :slight_smile:

    Should you look elsewhere? I'd say it's a good idea. Nose around various sites. Read other posts. If most of the posts say "looking for a good time" or "u b hot", that's a bad sign. If many of them say "looking for a friend, possibly more" or list their various interests rather than their favorite positions, then your odds will probably be a bit better.

    Perhaps even better, skip online and get involved in the real world a bit. Maybe join some gay social clubs or groups. Maybe you won't immediately find an ideal guy to date, but you might make some new gay friends, and they'll have friends...

    Lex
     
  4. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    I think you've received some great advice here already.

    If I can put it in other words, I really do think you need to reset your expectations. You need to accept the fact that it might take you years to find your 'life partner'. Years.

    I'm not saying that you shouldn't be 'on the lookout' for that life partner now. Because he might be the next person you meet. But you need to relax a little (a lot?) with respect to finding a boyfriend - because being in a LTR involves 2 people - you and someone else. And that someone else isn't going to be ready to settle down - necessarily - at the same rate you are.

    Ideally, your next boyfriend is going to be someone that you're already friends with. You'll know them through a club or an association or through another friend, and you'll discover that you really enjoy spending time with each other. The more time you spend together, the more clear it will be to both of you that there might be something more than just a friendship to be considered.

    Rarely do you find your soul mate by locking eyes across a crowded room, knowing in that instant that you've found the man of your dreams...

    LTRs are also very much about comprimises. How flexible are you in your relationships? Or put another way, how demanding are you in your relationships? If you're asking these guys to commit to you for the rest of their lives in the first month of knowing them, they're not going to. You need to 'go with the flow' for quite a while. I'm talking months.

    Finally - many of us here have said in other threads that we didn't have a serious relationship until we were much older than you are. I didn't really have a girlfriend until I was 25 - and I married her. I'd never had sex until then. And then I didn't meet my boyfriend - who I really do feel is my soul mate - until I was 36.

    People tell you to "be patient" and to "let love come to you" because that's quite often how it works. Whether you wanted to hear it or not.

    Good luck!
     
  5. Revan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2005
    Messages:
    7,850
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks guys. I'd love for more advice, but your advice rocks :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  6. Camman3

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2009
    Messages:
    187
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Africa, Cape Town
    Hey Revan,

    I'm finding it difficult to give much more, because there's so much excellent information.advice already given.

    I would like to emphasise the first answerer: it would amazing for you to see someone. You have issues, which you already managed to mention, so that is a good step forward. The main problem is that often certain issues are locked in the sub-conscious, so to deal with that you need to see someone.

    The only way it is possible to see into you subconscious is through monitoring your dreams and dream symbols, however, that can be a slow and tedious process if you're a beginner. If you're serious about all this, I would strongly suggest it.

    Iwill briefly explain it and then give you some links to self-discover. Basically, everything you see in your dream IS NOT what it appears on the surface. Dream analogists interpret dream symbols (everything in your dream is a separate, individual dream symbol) and create dictionaries to tell you what each symbol means. When you wake up, you need to record as much about your dream as possible, because within 10 minutes of consciousness, you will have forgotten 90% of your dream.

    The best thing you can do is to keep a "Dream Journal". Once you have written down as much as you can remember about your dream, when you get the chance you can sit down on the internet, open a dream dictionary and then try and interpret what your subconscious is really dealing with at the moment.

    You dream everyday, and every night. There are many types of dreams. You can read more about this on my links I give you.

    With practice, you will be able to remember your dreams more often and you will be able to interpret them quickly and accurately. This will definitely help you to fulfil your goal - knowing and understanding yourself is the first step towards a LTR; if you aren't happy with some aspect of yourself, you can't expect your partner to fill that void or to make you feel better.

    Here is a link to a dream dictionary: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/
    Here is a link to the basics of dreams: http://www.dreammoods.com/

    I think you'll be fascinated what you can discover.