a friend of mine has lost her father within the past couple of years and it has been really hard on her and i know how she feels and i try to say things to help comfort her, but i dont know if they do or not. i have been around death all my life and was never sheltered from it, my parents believed that it is a part of the cycle and that we need to come to terms with it, and i have lost family members who have been close to me within the past few years as well and it seems like i always try to be the strong one and help others get through it, but in the end i need someone there to help me get through it as well. but i cant let myself show how much it hurts and how much i miss those people, i was always taught to be strong and to dry my eyes and keep my head held high, but there are times when i see my family hurting and my friends hurting that all i want to do is give them a hug and cry right along with them. How do i become that person? How can i be the one that breaks down and yet still be the strong one? :tears:
Hi there! I think you just showed that you can be a strong person thought yet show your feelings/emotions. To be strong, it doesn't mean that you can't show your emotions or cry with your friends or family members along side. I think if you are able to sit with someone and just listen and be able to share your feelings and past experiences, when comforting someone or trying to make someone feel better, you are already showing strength. You are strong. It takes a lot to be able to talk about death of loved ones/family members. Is it a sign of weakness when you shed a few tears, and when you remember those who have passed on? Not really, because you are talking about it. You are coming to terms with it. (*hug*)
yeah i guess, but it seems like being a man (from what i was taught) i should never show my feelings and i should be the one to hold my composure and be there for everyone, but its hard to do and still feel like im helping, to be honest it feels right to be able to break down and cry with my friends/family but i just cant bring myself to do it, cuz it feels like at those moments im weak and vulnerable and cant be the strength they need.... i guess im just confused about what i was brought up to believe and how i feel.
When someone you love die, it's normal to feel pain and sorrow, whatever you believe in. Those people we love are not anymore part of our everyday lives, and it hurts. Feeling this pain doesn't have anything to do with being strong or weak. We feel it because we are human. Everyone cope with pain a different way, but feeling the need to cry and to be arround other people and to give them and receive affection is an healthy way to grieve. I think that the longest you try to avoid your pain and to deny it's there and the hardest it becomes. I have lost my best friend six years ago, and all this time I have try to hide my pain to others, and to myself. I never talked about him and since the day I burried him I always cried when I was alone. As a result, I haven't been able to grieve until I started to talk about his death and how it makes me feel on EC a few months ago. I'll never thank enought the people here for allowing me to talk about it and for acknowleging my pain. You can't imagine how long I had cried behind my screen and how imporant had been any kind word I received. Since I first talked about it on here and allow myself to share my pain, I have been able to talk about it with several friends, first on e-mails, then on the phone and finaly face to face for the first time in six years. And I have the feeling I am finaly grieving. Yes it still hurts and it will hurt for a long time, but I have the feeling I am finaly able to move on. Thinking about it, I think it is why there used to be social rituals around death, so that the ones who remains would be able to move on. There is nothing weak in allowing oneself to cry and mourn, in fact I think it's very important, because expressing that pain and sharing it with other people enable us to aknowlege our loss and help us moving on. At least it's how I feel. I feel that I am now able to let the pain away and to keep the great memories I have. I wish you all the best, Eleanor
(*hug*) The way I see it, being strong is more about a general attitude in life than it is about not showing any emotion, ever. It's not necessarily about remaining unflinching when other people are down. It's more about being the one that can stand up after sobbing and continue on with your life. And sometimes it's just hard to cry. I don't think I've cried in the last 20 years. not even when family members passed away. Not even when my dad died. It just doesn't seem to help for me. I just move on through telling stories about those who passed and generally doing things the way they would have liked me to do them. It seems to work for me better that way. So if you can't cry, there might also be a sign that you have to take another path. Maybe it helps if you just first try to cry on your own and cuddle up in your bed, and then move on to only show your sensitive side when you're alone with friends. It's easier to shake off blocks lke that when no one (or only a very few people) is watching. And you're already showing it to people online. That's a good first step already!
