hola so was just wondering, um i haven't told my parents yet, but do u lot thing that when they find out their son is gay they will be disappointed, like especially dad's because surely no man wants a gay son, i realize its not a choice, or a lifestyle decision, and they will have to deal with it, but ppl that have told parents, especially dads have the bin disappointed?i just hate the idea of being a disappointment to my parents lol, anyway ta for any responses mat
Life happens, and it's something you can never be sure of. It's possible your mother will be more disappointed than your dad. It's possible they'll both already know and not be disappointed at all. All I can say is good luck, and just remember you always have a place and people to talk to.
dissapointed or not, theyll have to deal with it. and youll have to tell them sooner or later - it would get very difficult to hide it from them forever and it would distance yourself from them. at the end of the day, youre their son and they will love you. they might just need time to get used to the idea. i told my mum several years ago. she was fine and very supportive of me. but i do think she was a bit dissapointed. not dissapointed with me, as she realises that it wasnt a decision i made, etc, but dissapointed with the situation and the shit ill have to deal with in my life. she said to me, 'its a hard path to take being gay' (she knows because her brother is), and she said 'i guess ill never be a grandmother' (which is not neccessarily true). but, yes, im definatly putting off telling my dad for a while yet, because i know that he has a very negative attitude towards gays. i will tell him eventually, and he will be very dissapointed. what are your parents attitudes towards gays? knowing this would help in decideing how and when you come out to them.
Hi there! I think it really depends on their socialization and their believes and as to whether they are religiously inclined as these 'factors' can play a role in how they react and how they view homosexuality. At the same time, many parents do turn out to be supportive and accepting. For others it can take a while before they come around to it, because every parent has his/her dreams for their child. When a child comes out to them, those dreams are no longer a possibility or something to look forward to as it where. As parents see that their child is still the same and lives his/her life the way it is meant to be, and educate themselves they'll eventually come around to it. Many moms and dads actually turn out to be quite supportive and okay with it. Remember that parents are really good at picking out the little things that can provide them with enough clues. Never think that you are going to be a disappointment. If they are disappointed it is because the have lost their dreams. But you can help them in regaining some of their dreams by letting them know that you are just being yourself.
There's a book called "Necessary Losses" which is a classic in the psychology field and it talks about all of the losses that each of us goes through in life... the loss of innocence as a child, as we learn the world isn't all good people, the loss of the freedom of childhood... and, correspondingly, the losses as parents we suffer as our children grow up and move out and so forth... and eventually the loss of our parents as we and they get older, and so forth. The point of the book is that we all go through a series of losses as we grow older, and those are things that we all have to undertstand and come to grips with. For some (probably most) parents of gay kids, there's a certain amount of "loss" associated with having a son or daughter who is not heterosexual, but it's really not a whole lot different than the other types of "losses" that parents suffer as their children get older, except that maybe it comes as a surprise. Likewise, as gay or lesbian youth, we have to experience the "loss" of a "normal" identity and deal with being "different." Long and short is, I think it is something that some parents certainly feel some amount of disappointment or loss about, but it is just another of those things that they (and we) have to come to terms with. So in your case, I would say while they might initially be surprised, I think when they readjust, they will realize that there are wonderful things that come of it also, and on balance, will love you and respect you just as much, if not more.
My father is a strange creature. Part of him is rather traditional - he's from a small rural town in the heartland, he's Christian and active in his church, and he'll occasionally tell a racist/sexist/homophobic joke. And part of him is rather open-minded - he chose to move from his rural town to San Francisco, and he's always been active in volunteering for those less fortunate. So when I came out to him, I didn't know which part of him I would kick in. As it ends up, both. My mother said "After we found out, we spent a rather sleepless night in bed talking it over. What our concerns were, what we were worried about, all of that. But we finally came to the conclusion that we've always said we want you to be happy. And if you're gay, asking you to deny that or fight that won't make you happy." No, my father wasn't overjoyed at finding out I was gay. But he's seen me grow stronger and happier out of the closet. He met my boyfriend, they hit it off famously (they had some common ground in that they both love to cook), and now he's an accepted member of the family. My father introduces him to everybody (including his rural relations) as "Lex's partner". Your father might not immediately "get it". He may be disappointed, he may want you to "make sure", he may think it's just a phase. Don't get angry or insistent. You've had years to come to grips with your sexuality, and he'll have had a couple minutes. Open yourself up to questions - as inane as they might sound - and answer them as cool and collectedly as you can. He may never become excited about having a gay son, but I think he'll be accepting in the long run. Lex
hey thankyou for the amazing responses, i know that i'll have to tell my parents eventually and they will have to deal with it, but what lex said, about your parents wanting you to be happy, i know my parents do want me to be happy, and to some extent they may feel some loss, or disappointment, but i think that they would deal with it. I actually had a interesting talk with my mum and sister, and my sister would actually like me to be gay, idk why she is just a bit odd lol, and my mum is cool about gay ppl but doesn't particularly want that for her own kids, because of homophobia etc plus she would like grandkids and my sister is more of an animal person, so if i don't adopt it might be up to my little brother to continue the family name lol, and as for dad, well he has a lot of his own shizz to deal with at the mo, but i think that he would understand. so yeh thankyou, your responses really helped lol
It's hard to tell because everyone's different. In cases which start initially as a "negative" reaction, many times turn to a moreso positive reaction after mulling over, as in Lex's case. Knowing that it's the sort of thing that parents might want to mull over with each other, I elected to tell both my parents at the same time. Generally I think it's better if you come out on your own terms, rather than be outed. Then if you later want to introduce them to a boyfriend, they are less shocked.
