It has been a long time since I felt like this. I just need to vent. My eyes fill with tears yet I cannot let myself cry. I feel alone. There is too much going on in my life and I feel I'm going to break. I just broke up with my boyfriend. We were together seven months, which is a long time for me. It was a good break up, we both decided it was time to end it. Still, I cannot help but feel alone. I have lived by myself since Jan2008 and before that for about a year and a half with a friend. I left my father's house the day I turned 20. I have a good life. I have a really good job for someone my age, in fact in about a week I'm traveling on business to Europe for a week. I have a nice apartment (rented, though) in a very nice neighborhood, I have two beautiful cats that are sometimes a little annoying. I just got a car and I love it. Still, I cannot help but feel empty inside and ugly outside... which pretty much brings my chances of being with someone to zero. To make matters somewhat worse, I was talking to a friend about this and he said something like 'It is good to know that in spite of my age and the fact that I do not exercise I am still attractive'. He's only two years older than me, so it was partly a joke. However it was a huge blow for me, since lately I am really upset about my obesity and feel like it cripples me. Yet I do not take the necessary steps to deal with it, even though I know perfectly well what they are. I still cannot cry. I had some money troubles last months, it will take a couple of months to stabilize my economy again, I am not worried, since I know I'll be able to do what I need to do, but this adds stress to my situation. My eyes have dried out. I still feel the anguish and I know keeping it bottled up will only lead to a worse situation, but somehow I cannot let go... I don't know why. I WANT TO CRY but I can't. I take a deep breath and start preparing a bubble bath for myself. I need some pampering, and since nobody else seems willing to do it for me... I'll do it myself. I feel alone in the world. I feel unliked by gay men, miscomprehended by straight men, and so far away from women that it doesn't even matter. My friends all have plans tonight. So I am home, with no plans, feeling like crap. I know this too shall pass. I feel better having written this. thanks for reading or simply for allowing this post to be here. cheers.
I'm sorry you feel sad and alone. That's the kind of thing that might happened after breaking up, even when it had gone well. I hope you'll feel better today. If you ever feel the need to talk, you can contact me anytime you want. (*hug*) Eleanor
I have very little advice to give, because despite your horrible feelings, I think you have the problem sussed out pretty well. Even if you know what the problem is, even if you're working towards making the problem better, doesn't mean these feelings won't hit. And yes, bubble bath. Not because there's nobody else to pamper you. But because you like bubble baths, and you like yourself enough to give yourself one. And keep it up. Keep loving yourself. Keep loving your overweight, alone-on-Saturday-night self. Because life is so much better when you accept and love yourself, and you'll find that others find you more lovable as well. Lex
