So, I spent like months and months breaking out of my shell and trying to smash the closet door to bits and last night I caught myself apologizing for coming out during a political conversation. In the context that I said it, I felt like I was apologizing for trying to present a certain image to them. It was kind of a wake-up when they asked me why I was apologizing. I guess I'm still a little ashamed. It's all got me kind of thinking about how I've crawled back up into my shell, and How I'm still very uncomfortable with myself. I spend a lot of time judging myself for who I am and constantly asking people for feedback on my behavior. Before I do something, I'm always concerned with how it's going to look. Truthfully, I think it's just that I'm changing, and I'm not quite sure with what I'M comfortable with anymore. That kind of happens when you're in a situation like I am. I used to base so much of my emotional comfort on what I was accomplishing. Sadly, I'm in one of those spots where not much of what I have or use on the daily belongs to me. I'm living in my Mum and Dads house, driving their car, using their wash/dryer, and trying like hell to fix my truck in their garage. Their's just not much to take pride in... It's fucking with my self esteem... Wait a second.... Maybe that's why nothing feels comfortable. Everything on the ground floor of my life is totally fucked. Not freaking out about it, but I think it's starting to subconsciously screw with my mental state. I need a solution. Fix the ground floor and everything becomes easier to balance out? What do you guys think?
As long as you have a job, or in college... or doing something that's for your profession in whatever it is... and not living like a loser. Like living off completely from your parents, then I see no problems. And you're 21, which is young enough to live with parents without being super awkward. But just "ehh whatever ", but not "creepy 45 year old in the basement playing video games" type.
I think all of us have been there at various times, and at 21, there are quite a few people that are still relying pretty substantially on their parents, so I don't think there's anything remotely to be ashamed of there. Hell, in this economy, there are people in their 30s who have moved back in with their parents. One or the things you learn as you become more comfortable with yourself is that each one of us has ups and downs; hating our job, or being unemployed, or having a bad semester at school, or relationship problems, or whatever else. And since none of us are perfect, we *all* make decisions at times that may not be the best. But when we judge ourselves based on those bad decisions -- or on our career, or what we own, or whatever -- and that becomes the measure of our self worth, that's when we get into trouble. It's a challenging concept, but happiness is internal. When I was working at a Mexican hospital, some of the staff there made about $30 a week, and lived, literally, in tiny cardboard huts. But they were always smiling and happy, and always singing or whistling, and thankful for what they had. And that to me was a powerful lesson... to see people who literally have nothing, yet are probably much happier than people I meet every day who have far, far more, but are miserable. At 21, you're just beginning to get your bearings, so being where you are is fine. Use the time you have, while someone else is footing the bill, to explore yourself and find out where your passions lie. Set goals and take steps to move on your passions. Do things, be they steps toward a career, school, or whatever, that excite those passions, but along the way, love yourself and realize that you really have everything you need right within yourself in order to be happy. I'm rambling a little, but I hope that makes sense
I think you hit the nail on the head. It sounds like right now your self esteem is taking a hit. Try to work on the things you can control. Get your truck fixed. That is a start. While you are at home with your parents like Chip said save some money and make a plan whether it is a job or school. With this economy, don't feel bad you are getting help from your parents. A lot of people are getting help from love ones. Hope you feel better.
Well - I was goung to post something - but Chip's 'ramble' pretty much summed it up. I am much older than you - therefore coming from a far different perspective - but I suggest you look at the positives of what you have achieved in your 'coming out process' - and put what is surely a minor hiccup behind you. Just be the best person you can be - be proud of the positives of who/what/how you are - and who cares what anyone else thinks.
I've found that when I'm in a spot where I feel crappy about myself, I turn outwards. I do volunteer work. It doesn't take much time or effort - a couple hours a week - but it does amazing things to my self esteem. Lex
