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Trouble with Confidence

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by gettingthere, Sep 28, 2009.

  1. gettingthere

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    It seems like being gay has killed my confidence. When I was in the closet I would always agree with whatever people said. I was an absolute pushover and basically did whatever others told me so that I didn't stand out. I needed to blend in so that people would not start questioning my sexuality or who I was. I totally stopped "being me" in order to not be thought of as gay. Now that I have been out for about a year I still find it hard to break these habits. I would love to start flirting or going out with guys or something or even just have the confidence to do what I want but it seems like in every situation I take a subservient position and let others dictate the flow of things. I know that for the longest time I didn't take risks. I wasn't ready to deal with the consequences of being gay and I hid. I'm ready to really start living but I just find myself falling into these old habits. I just don't know how to comfortably be me.

    Has anyone else had similar experiences?
     
  2. Kirakishou

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    I'm with you, buddy. :slight_smile: I don't know how long you've been out, but it took me quite a while to actually be "me" when I came out.
    Even now, I still wonder if this is truly who I am, if I'm not still putting up a facade so people don't know the real me.
    But all we can do is just act natural. That's how you can be yourself. If you like certain music, listen to it. If you like certain clothing, wear it. Don't say you like something just because other people do.
    Like I said, it'll take a while but you'll definitely get there.:thumbsup:
     
  3. NoLeafClover

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    Sounds like me a few years back, and even now and then these days.

    Confidence comes from within - it takes time to find a solid foundation for yourself, but it is there waiting, and when the time is right, you'll find it.

    There are still things that seem to "trigger" that old habbit - but you learn what those triggers are and you can prepare for them and expect them to pop up like they always have. For me it was always hearing people talking about fags and making jokes. Sexuality in general would make me run from conversations, lol. You find ways to deal with these things in your own head, and also externally - maybe you'll start to joke back, or even poke fun at yourself.

    I used to think I'd find my confidence the moments after I came out. Nope. It's been a few years now and I've learned that it's something to work on and grow into. You've got nothing to be ashamed of, and a helluva lot to be proud of :eusa_clap
     
  4. gettingthere

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    its funny that when you are in the closet... you see coming out as the one thing that is going to solve everything. But when you actually come out you realize that you have to start making up for the life you weren't living (at least thats how I feel). And now that this part of you is out in the open there are about 1 million little things you never thought of before because you couldn't imagine being gay and out. I guess it takes time to sift through all these old habits and merge them with the new person that you are trying to be. Sometimes I just feel like I'm doing this too conservatively and not allowing my 'true' self to just be. It's just frustrating to be rapped up in all the habits I used to depend on when I so desperately want and need to change how I think and live
     
  5. BasketCase

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    That is something I havent fallen for thankfully - its never going to solve everything, might even bring more problems in the short term - its a good step in the right direction though.

    I'm not out yet but I feel the time approaching that I will be.

    On the general issue of confidence, I dont have a great deal of it, I am trying to work on it though and to stop putting myself down without even giving others a chance to do it.
     
  6. Gaetan

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    For me it's never been confidence, it's been my openness. I am a chronic pessimist, cynical, and have built a wall around my emotions. I'm very stoic, and rarely show any hint of emotion. Looking back, all of it developed because I walled myself off because I was afraid of accidentally exposing myself. So, I never let anything out.

    A co-worker commented on it over the summer. She jokingly said that for what little I let on, I could be leading an entire second life for what everyone else knew. It hit home then, that that is exactly what I was doing behind my curtain.

    I hope coming out will help me have the confidence (hey, maybe it is about that...!) to open that curtain a little more. But my cynicism tells me it wont just magically be brushed aside, I'll have to do it myself.
     
  7. starbucksshoote

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    Yup - it's a major issue.

    Having "come out" to a number of people, my friends now want to take me to a gay bar so I can start meeting other gay guys. My inside voice keeps saying "what? meet some guy? what the hell?". I still having reconciled being gay with actually meeting a guy and having a boyfriend. I think it takes time. And yes, I too worry that my time is limited. I didn't even dream about coming out until I was almost 30 - that is a lot of lost time (and had I been braver, I might have come out earlier). Still, we play the cards we're dealt. I'm going to go to this gay bar and (to quote my friend) "wheel some dude", and you will learn to have opinions and become assertive.

    Coming out isn't the last step in solving problems - it's the first.
     
  8. RaeofLite

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    Wow, I'm so glad you're talking about this issue. I'm in your boat. No worries.

    I came out this year, but most of my close friends knew I "wasn't straight" (to put it simply since i didn't want a label for a while while I figured it out and went through that emotional turmoil/bs). Now that I"m out, I get days where I"m discouraged, and I mentally eye the closet door, which somedays I almost open and peer inside so to speak. I'm out, and will be honest if asked, and won't lie and say I have a boyfriend (unless the person looks seriously threatening and I'm alone).

    I felt a sudden rush of relief being out, but now that I"m out, I feel lonely at times. Moreso I think, because more people know about me (on campus, in the towns, cities etc) and I think part of my mind still wonders what they think of me-even though I know I'm a decent person. ..

    I wish I wasn't gay on the bad days, but most days, it's ok now. I'm finally making up for the years when I was trying to "find" myself. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Shyvin

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    Oiy, confidence has and always will be my biggest problem. Where I live it is just so "out there" to be gay. If I were to come out I would let the thought of other people knowing consume me. I'd always feel awkward around everyone because it's just so rare where I live. It's almost unheard of in this 120,000 population city. Which is crazy, you would think. I live in the 3rd biggest city in Kentucky. We even have one gay bar, albeit it's brand new.....I've never even been there. Because I'm too afraid I'll see someone I know.

    Me = in the closet for life.
     
    #9 Shyvin, Sep 29, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2009
  10. gettingthere

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    I agree with what everyone is saying here... its just been super tough to begin assimilating my gay identity with my life. I started coming out a year ago... first to friends and then family and whatnot and I just still don't seem completely comfortable with it. I know for a fact I'm gay but there is still a little fear there or I'm just uncomfortable with the idea. Most days I'm fine but situations do pop up where I'm paralyzed because I don't know how to react and be true to myself.
     
  11. NoLeafClover

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    I think there might be a problem with "trying" to be who you truly are.

    IMO, this entire experience of having been in the closet for a relatively large chunk of my life has shaped me, or in less vague terms - has become a part of who I truly am. It's a fact that I hid a part of myself for that period of time, and it's a fact that it took a toll on me. I feel weathered, as I'm sure a lot of us do, and for good reason.

    I used to think that coming out would be like a rebirth - but it's not. Life didn't start anew, it just kept going, and the problems that shameful, depressing, fearful feelings creates are ones that scar us, and scars stick around.

    Like someone above me said, coming out is a step in the right direction. It's righting the wrong we had been making, and I think whatever issues that pop up that feel like they're holding us back - perhaps those are "wrongs" we need to learn how to "right" as well.

    Confidence - examine what allows your confidence to fall so easily, and try something to keep it from happening the next time. You might surprise yourself.
     
  12. malachite

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    first off (&&&). Everyone has confidence issues, unless they are over confident, which leads in to narcessism and superiority complexes.

    Everyone feels unsure about something in their life or something about themself. Unfortunatly, there are people who make themselves feel better by bringing others down.

    So, to answer your questions: yes, 90% of the population has confidence issues. Confidence, like anything else, gets easier to handle with experience. Put yourself out there, hold hands with the guy you like.

    If someone has something to say, let them talk. Take note of what they say and you'll be prepaired with a snappy comeback the next time someone says it.

    long and short of it:

    A person can be smart, a person can be reasoned with; but, people are stupid and dangerious.

    hope this helps.:icon_wink
     
  13. gaz83

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    i wouldnt say i have confidence issues. if i have something to say then i will say it. however with the people i hang about with and that its hard to kinda tell them when i go clubbing that i aint interested in finding some slapper or one nite stand. none of em will come to the gay niteclub i like to go to except my best pal. tho now she wont go cos she only went there cos of some guy she liked. im sure at some point i will actually get round to tellin her i wanna go back there. we do know its the only place i truly let myself go. even she has like the best time. im actually missin not being there now. nites out just aint the same.