1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How does everyone know but me?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by twixy30, Sep 28, 2009.

  1. twixy30

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2009
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas, texas
    Why is it that everyone including family, know that i was gay before i did.
    i was talking to my aunt yesterday and she told me that everyone in the family knew about me over a year ago. i did not even know a year ago. i dont act any different then i did a year ago so i was just wonding if anyone else ever had that said to them
     
  2. NickT

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2009
    Messages:
    567
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kentucky
    This usually happens to many gay people. My mom actually told me a few weeks after coming out, "Y'know...we kinda guessed you were gay." I guess we're just bad at hiding our true selves :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,870
    Likes Received:
    3,203
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Parents have a way of picking out things or clues about our sexuality. After I came out to my parents, my mom told me "I always had that feeling." Little things that we do or don't do, can provide clues to other family members. On certain topics, in particular related to dating, liking someone, or just sharing some info on your 'dreams' or the lack thereof can provide some clues.
     
  4. Gaetan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Messages:
    614
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Idaho, USA
    A few years ago, (while I was still in denial) my mom came into my room like she often did, "just to bug me." She asked me if I was seeing anyone in college. I said no, but that I was planning to ask someone I knew this fall. (One of my few female crushes, never got a chance to ask.) Her next question was, "A woman?"

    I shot her such a glare I didn't know I was capable of. "Yes, a WOMAN." Yet in my mind I was thinking, Holy shit--how did she know?


    ....Long story short, people can kinda tell sometimes. I suspected my best friend was since high school, and he came out this last winter. So, I'm basically expecting the response of, " I thought so" from my parents when I do come out.
     
    #4 Gaetan, Sep 28, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2009
  5. BayeBorde

    BayeBorde Guest

    Y ive gotten that, and sometimes i find it rather insulting like ur accusing me of being gay, its not a bad thing its just kinda of annoying. Some girl was crushing on me and i suspected her to be crushing for a while cuz i saw signs of it. Then i asked her friend what the deal was and she said that the girl was crushing onme so i told her i was gay, then later on the 3 of us were together and then we told her i was gay and the girl goes "I knew it!" and i find it rather juts dumb that she knew i was gay and she was crushing on me... really thats just really confusing, and a bad comeback to try to look ok.
     
  6. Beachboi92

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2009
    Messages:
    1,099
    Likes Received:
    1
    i got the same thing from fricken everyone i came out to the "i sorta had my ideas" thing. In psychology they call it the "knew-it-all-along-phenomenon" Where basically in retrospect people "know it all along" self explanatory really. The truth is even if you where crazy flamboyant people still go "he might be" but no one ever really knows for sure until it is put in retrospect when they suddenly feel like they know. Odds are if you where placed in front of someone you had never met with some other straight/gay people and where asked if you where straight or gay they prob couldn't figure it out.

    I really think the big thing for creating those wonders is gender dissociation as a child. Where you really don't identify sex's at a young age. For example i used to play with barbies and actions figures and had more girl friends than guys because i didn't recognize the difference for whatever reason. A vast majority of people who gender disassociate end up being LGBT. Besides there is a reason there is a LGBT community/culture beyond our want to band together as similar people we are similar in ways. Like with any culture stereotypes exist as a sort of exaggerated explanation of how all in a group act.

    I mean i am told i am not in any way obviously gay but when i tell someone they go "you know now that i think of it it makes so much sense xD" For example my aunt said they used to buy me barbies and joke about me to my dad cause he didn't want them to and they would say "he's gonna be gay omg he can design us cloths and do our interior decorating" (my dad was homophobic as hell xD) I think with a lot of LGBT people there are signs from a young age that we are different because we are born different and develop "nurture sculpts what nature endows"
     
  7. Haiiro

    Haiiro Guest

    I have yet to come out to my parents, though I have the feeling they've figured it out to some degree (mom keeps insisting that I "don't swing that way" in a manner that suggests she knows very well that I do. And dad started a conversation with me the other day with "guess who's boob's I got to see on HBO?!").

    I did, however, get that from my cousin Amber when I told her. She wasn't surprised in the least, lol
     
  8. mattypants

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2008
    Messages:
    718
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    i remember before i had any known sexual inclination to men, a few friends asked me if i was gay, to which at the time, i thought was a bit offensive to have asked me...

    but now... its like, how did they know? :lol: though they still dont :rolleyes:
     
  9. GoBabyGoGo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2007
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    yes!!! i got that when i came out to my sister! she said that she guessed i was since i was even a little kid and was meaning to ask me about it.

    but... HOW?! im not really stereotypical at all, i hardly see my sister, i even told her that i hooked up with a girl once (yeah i was in denial)... how is it possible to tell someone is gay when they dont even know themselves!? i want to know her secrets so i can calibrate my gardar
     
  10. RaeofLite

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2009
    Messages:
    1,344
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    BC, Canada
    Apparently I really liked to hug and tickle girls when I was younger, and liked doing "guy stuff".. haha, so mom mentioned that when I finally came out. That plus the fact that I always wished I was the one kissing the women in the movies when I was younger. Should have known then. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  11. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Some people say it's small mannerisms/interests/actions, some people say it's "gaydar" which I honestly believe is less about observing actions or whatever and more about having a "sixth sense."

    One of my group of friends got dubbed "the Gaydar jedi." He has an absolutely accurate, uncanny ability to detect that people are gay, often 4 or 5 years before they come out... hasn't been wrong yet... and he's straight! So I think some people either have that intuition finely honed, have an ability to observe subtle things in people, or perhaps both.

    One of my other friends had come out to his mom and dad and brother and friends, but was putting off telling his grandma, he was afraid she wouldn't take it well. So finally, one day he screwed up all his courage and told her, and her response was "Oh, Jesus Christ, Joel, I've known for *years.*" Totally deflated his big moment, but was also very relieving for him :slight_smile:
     
  12. Shyvin

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2008
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    0
    Great question, I heard from my ex best friend that my mom had secretly asked him if I was gay. My best friend, at the time, was about 8 years older than me and had a wife and a job so she knew he wasn't an item of mine or anything... But when I came out to him he told me about that. I should have guessed. I actually truly believe that we all know if someone else suspects it. Come on.... I mean I didn't date anyone in middle school or high school. I'm not dating anyone now. We give off more signals then we realize. Well, I guess I realize them.
     
  13. Kenko

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2007
    Messages:
    1,378
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Some people transmit more "gay" vibes than they realize. And some people transmit it long before they come out to themselves. They "Out to everyone but themselves" sort. I've known several people that fit those categories.

    As well, with parents, where they know you for your whole life, may pick up on other things (like the lack of a dating history).

    As far as "Gaydar", I think a certain amount has to do with subtle behaviour analysis, and as far as "sixth sense", may deal with Pheromones and the like.
     
  14. Shevanel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2008
    Messages:
    5,403
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Little Neck, NY
    I do find it strange that parents/close friends/siblings can usually figure this out, but I guess it makes sense. Although, my own experience with this is that no one seemed to expect it at all =/ I find that funny in a way. Totally the opposite of what's going on here.
     
  15. GhostDog

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2009
    Messages:
    1,933
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    DFW area, Texas
    My (gay) brother seemed to be totally surprised. Which... also surprised me, haha. (My best friend and I did guess about him when he was much smaller though. I dunno what it was.)

    Nobody else was, though. My dad said he'd guessed, mom said she "hadn't thought about it much", and my best friend kinda shouted, "I KNEW IT! I knew [my youngest brother] was gonna be the normal one!" A friend of ours said, "That makes sense!" when my best friend told her. People who've known me for a while and, I guess, don't have learning disorders like my middle brother, either seem to have guessed already or aren't surprised.

    Though people who haven't known me very long always seem to be surprised. I bumped into a classmate at a GSA function and she said "It's gay night at the ice cream parlor!" and I was all, "... Yes, I'm here with them." Apparently we're both queer! Arharhar. I was mentioning I had gay pride parade photos on my Facebook and someone asked me, "Wait, why were you at Pride?" I set him straight (har) on that, though, but apparently my behavior doesn't scream "queer".
     
  16. Gaetan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Messages:
    614
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Idaho, USA
    My best friend is gay, and I definitely suspected it since early High School. He is usually a very quiet, shy person...but get him where he's comfortable and his mannerism are actually quite flamboyant. It was his mannerisms, his attitudes, just his general being that suggested it to me. Long before I recognized it in myself, really.



    But, that still isn't a real indicator. A guy in another grade I knew in high school was rather flamboyant. He let off the same vibes I got from my best friend, so I also pegged him as gay at the time. Yet, he's getting married to his fiance this next summer.
     
  17. Gurds101

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2009
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    When I came out to my sisters, one said "I kinda figured", and the other one said, "I knew that since you were like 10." My mom told me a story about when I was 2 and walking around with a hard hat, saw and baby doll.... she said to herself however I turn out will be just fine...
     
  18. Maddy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2008
    Messages:
    2,633
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My sister knew before I did. She picked up on the romantic tension between my ex and myself, I think. A lot of people have told me they had an idea, but I think they tend to base it on stereotypes - I'm not a fan of the whole fashion thing and a lot of people seem to think "girl who dresses casual and doesn't wear makeup = lesbian".
     
  19. Ralivar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2009
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    [I apologise now I have never been very good at expressing what I mean]
    With some people I think there is just sort of a sense around them, you just have this feeling that they are gay. For example when my best friend told me that he was gay, I wasn't really surprised. He didn't act like a stereotypical gay person (whatever that really means.) I had never really thought of him as being gay but when he told me it wasn't like It just came out of nowehere.
     
  20. jayhad90

    jayhad90 Guest

    I have yet to come out, but my mom keeps asking me if i am because i havent dated in years, and i know she doesnt want to know the truth so i know if i come out she would be the one to say i knew you were