hi, 7 years ago, i had a sort of a sexual fling with a guy while i was working in a foreign country. it was not hardcore, just merely touching and kissing. being a virgin and very ignorant, i was scared into thinking i had contracted stds and hiv. i went to the doctors and that did not allay my fears. few nights after the encounter, i decided to break the news to my family. suffice to say, the experience was horrible. my parents could not accept the fact that i actually had a sexual encounter with a man, that i was homosexually inclined and what was worse, i might be hiv+. i returned home to face the music. after the bashing, the shouting, the slapping and the tears, they helped me faced my consequences and took me for hiv tests. i took my tests twice in both the 3-month window and the 6-month window. throughout the ordeal, i promised them to change and never get involved in gaydom. i had been true to my word. i have not had any relationships with any other men since them. i still think about men. i still long for a relationship with a man, but i know my family would never accept. in the years that have passed, i have been in a number of family dramas. my dad has a quick temper. you can say he is verbally and physically abusive. when my dad and my mom argue, my mom always ends up on the losing end. during the times when she cries, she would relate how much she appreciates having me around and that she accepts me for who i am. but when these have come to pass, it is as if these words were never said in the first place. she would pester me to find a girl. ask me whether i was still gay or not. all of which, i could only say "no" to pacify things and let things by. even though my dad has been abusive, at the time when he threw us all out of the house, we still came back and make sure he's doing ok. during the time when we visited him, he would relate how much he appreciates me as a son and even though i was gay, he accepts me. how things change when both of them reconcile and words that were once said were quickly thrown away. till today, they are still questioning me on my sexuality. they are still adamant that i be not gay. and it is killing me inside. i cannot help feeling what i feel and i cannot be what i am not. i feel that my life is a big joke. at age 31, i am such a loser! right now, i live life aimlessly...i feel there's nothing to live for...why does it have to be this way?
Hi and first thing, welcome to EC I am sorry for all you had to get through and for the situation you are in. I completly understand that it's not easy to have a family that doesn't accept you for who you are. Now what I am going to say will sound harsh and I am sorry for that but, you are not responsible for your parents happiness and you don't have to sacrifice your all life to match their idea of what is acceptable or not when it comes to love. You are 31, you're gay and you are lonely because you promised to your parents never to be with a man again. How long are you going to sacrifice your life ? What your parents are doing to you is the most selfish thing parents could do : they sacrifice your happiness to their well being. But it's not you who have to change, it's them. If they can't be happy with the wonderful and loving son they have, it's too bad for them, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself to please them. I know parents are important, but you can't go on this way. You only have one life, you can't waste it waiting for your parents to accept you the way you are. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to find love and if you are meant to love men, that's fine. Love is a beautiful feeling in itself. I really hope you'll find around here all the support you need. Feel free to contact me anytime you want. Take care, Eleanor
On top of what Eleanor said, I also feel like you're parents are being extremely selfish. Not that they aren't still loving parents, but for them to except you as being gay when you are there for them in their time of need, but to then turn around and try and convince you to not be gay when they are feeling good with life, just strikes me as being terribly inconsiderate. I just really don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. But the one thing you must do, is move on with *your* life and make yourself happy. Oh, and welcome!
I didn't really accept that I was gay (or admit it to anyone) until I was 29 - it's not an easy decision to make (at any age), and frankly, it is harder to do when you are older as you have established yourself as one person, and suddenly decide to change that. However, from what you said, you are likely experiencing the same things I was. You are sad - you are lonely - and you don't want to feel that way anymore. So, you have a choice: 1. Continue on your way pretending you're not gay, to please your parents, and ruining your life. 2. Accept what you are and pursue happiness, even if it means upsetting your parents. I can't tell you which one to choose, but I can tell you that I thought choice number 1 was the easier one - in the longterm, it wasn't. Good luck. Be strong.
ding ding ding! I thought I could just ignore it myself. Just push that gay thing out of the way and continue with my life. Whilst i was young I partied and that was fun. (probably for longer than was appropriate) Then I had a career that for 9 years has been a challenge and really fun. Now at the age of 36, i'm settling down in a job thats still great fun, but it no longer distracts me from my sexuality and lonelyness. I decided I really need loving after all. So the coming out process has begun.. Oh, edited to add. I'm still the same nutjob, i'm not a different person, just a bit gayer. And I don't find it any harder now about being gay. Actually, i guess I am feeling happier in my skin about it. Slowly but surely.
As usual, Eleanor has hit the nail on the head. Self-sacrifice is only noble when you gain a greater value than what you are sacrificing for. But in this exchange, you are gaining your parents' denial of the truth in exchange for your own happiness and life in general. Frankly, the exchange rate is quite steep there. I think an important step here would be to try to extricate yourself from the situation in some way. Are you still living with them? At 31, I'm sure you can find a way to get out on your own if you still are. Getting your own place and surrounding yourself with some friends who are positive toward you rather than threatening of you telling the truth and spoiling their delusions (and that's what they are at this point) will boost your self-confidence. And that self-confidence will help you realize that you do not owe your personal happiness to your parents as some twisted form of repayment or honor. The quicker you can do this, the better you'll feel. Once you are outside of their constant influence, it will be easier to deal with the issue head on without a feeling of extreme guilt. Yes, telling your parents everything about your fling and the STD tests that ensued probably wasn't the best way to approach the matter, but what's done is done. If you want them to accept you, you're going to have to basically reeducate them on what being gay really means. Every sexual encounter doesn't necessarily mean fear of HIV as long as you're safe and/or you're with the same person. That sort of shame will do so much harm and keep you closeted. They need to realize that you could just as easily get all the same STDs from a girl as you could with a guy (although I really wouldn't bring up the STD thing at all if it can be helped since that is your own thing to worry about and will just cast a dark light on the subject to them and give them something negative to latch onto). Once they start to see that you love who you love and that they can trust you to be responsible, they will either accept it or not. But either way, it will bring some form of closure to the situation and you can move on with the life you're missing out on.
i really think that your going to make make your life alot worse living like this, be who you want to be and if you like men you like men. Its not up to your family, live how YOU want to and not how your parents want you to P.S i feel weird giving this advice to some one much older than me, but hey i hope you figure it out for yourself :eusa_clap
If there is any advice that I can give, it's get the hell away from your parents if they are causing you pain. Just leave them out of the loop and take some time to find yourself, find out who you really are. Stick to anybody who is willing to accept you no matter what and fuck everyone else. It's your life, not theirs.
