I posted a while back about how proud I was of my parents for slowly coming to terms with who I am and for getting through all the stages of grief and moving to acceptance. but... I just started college, and since I finally came out very recently (at the end of high school), I felt very liberated and empowered and decided to come out to my friends at college. It might be related, it might not, but they haven't been hanging out with me very much lately and I feel kind of excluded. I decided to call my mom and talk to her about it, because I felt lonely and needed support. I said, "I don't really feel like I have any friends right now. I feel kind of isolated from everyone." Her response? "There are consequences when you confront people with details about your private life. I don't go around telling people intimate details about my sex life, and neither should you. There are some things that no one needs to know about." I said, "But, Mom, I don't even know that this is related to that. And anyway, I don't just go around telling everyone about it. And I don't really ever talk about it at all. Since I'm single, it never really comes up." She said, "You didn't need to tell anyone in the first place. It's nobody's business but your own. If they aren't one of your-- one of your sex partners-- then they don't need to know."
Hi there! Sorry to hear that you feel being excluded and that one of your fears is that it might be related to your sexual identity and having come out to them. (*hug*) I wouldn't read too much into your mum's reaction at this point, although I do think that she might still be trying to come to terms with it all, and perhaps is worried about you. When I came out to my parents, my mum had a similar 'stance' on me coming out to others or to other family members. Her response to me was: 'it is something private, not everyone needs to know about it.' For some, they are just more comfortable with it being 'private' and it comes out in their answers from time to time. But that doesn't mean that they are not supportive or accepting of you. I have this hunch though that your friends contacting you less might have more to do with the fact that they are busy with classes, assignments, exams, etc, rather than with you having come out to them recently...The first year of college is often the hardest ones, or at least until one gets into a new routine and manage the additional work loads. That said, and you don't mention how they reacted, but when you came out to your friends, how did they react? Were they accepting and supportive? If you think that it would help you, in terms of finding support when you need it, maybe try looking into a LGBT support group on campus or in the wider community. Being part of a LGBT group, could help you to regain/maintain the 'positive' feelings that you had when you first came out.
Thank you so much. That makes me feel a lot better. You're right. My mom definitely loves me and is probably just worried. I guess I just keep reading a lot into everything she says because I'm really worried that she won't be able to accept me. Your hunch might be right. I will try not to take things so personally. As to their reaction-- they didn't really say anything about it. So I don't know exactly how they feel. I recently joined the GLBTF, and it's pretty cool. I think I might make some cool friends there. Thank you again-- I really appreciate your perspective. I just needed to sort out my feelings and hear some new ideas. So thanks.
And who knows, maybe that's not the set of friends you'll end up hanging out with for the rest of your college days. My group of friends when I started college changed in some way almost daily for the first two to three months, and I wasn't even out! You're not the only one trying to find your place on campus. Look around, see who else is on campus. If you don't find it in those friends, you might find it somewhere else.
In theory, your sexuality is just about who you sleep with. In theory, the only person(s) who needs to know is the one you are sleeping with. In this world of "theory" thats all fine and dandy, but we dont happen to live in that world. The best way to put it is "Your sexuality orientation has nothing to do with anything, yet something to do with everything". It should not change your friendships if people know or not, but it does. It should not change your day to day life, but it does. Thats the reality here. You cannot make a true friendship if someone does not know your sexuality orientation. Its something that if you tell the person could, it may not but it could, be a deal breaker. If your friends with someone who only likes you because they dont know you thats really not good. Your mother is, as Asteroid said, just worried about you. But that does not mean you should let her get away with thinking this way. It obviously is bothering you that she said that to you. And it should, because no one, not even your mother, should be allowed to closet you. Talk to her, let her know that being gay is not a "behind closed doors" need to know basis thing.
Exactly!!! The best way is to talk to your mother about those comments. I understand where she's coming from, she wants to protect you, and that's ok, but not by making you feel guilty of something. Best of luck with your friends & mum
Thank you guys so much. I'll try to find a (non-confrontational) way to talk to my mom about what I'm feeling. And you're right. I've only been here for a couple months; things will definitely change. And I very much agree that I should be able to be open about who I am. I'm not throwing my sexuality in people's faces, it's just, I feel like I need to be honest about who I am. And then maybe someone in the closet will see me being open and comfortable about it and it might inspire them to come out. Thank you all for your advice/perspective.
