How and When should I tell my Fiancee that I am gay?

If it's been 6 years, it doesn't seem like waiting a few more months until you feel more comfortable is any big problem. The issue is going to be that whenever you tell her, whether it's tomorrow or in May, she will almost certainly be upset and hurt, and probalby feel some level of betrayal. But since she already knows you are bi, she may already be thinking/wondering whether you're gay; it's hard to know without more information.

There are quite a number of people who have come out to their wives or girlfriends and stayed in heterosexual relationships, often just as "best friends" out of convenience and mutual decision, so I don't think that's out of the question at all.

The flip side is, the more you come to be comfortable with yourself as gay, the less you'll want to keep that inside, and of course, the less honest you are being with her. If she has no reason to expect that you are not getting married, then perhaps it would be best to tell her *sooner* in case she wants to seek out another relationship while she is still in school... as well as to make different post-graduation arrangements, since she probably expects that you and she are moving together somewhere after graduation.

What's your sense of how she will take it? How does she handle major upset/change?

 

Hi there and welcome to EC!

I think calship hit on a number of important points. The more you hide your 'feelings' about yourself, the more she will notice that things aren't the way they were at some point. It can be really difficult because you don't want to hurt her and end the relationship on 'bad' terms, but the more you 'hide' from her, and aren't open and honest with her, the chances are that the relationship won't end on good terms.

Also, being honest and open, shows that you do care about her feelings as well and allow her, and as calchip mentioned, to seek another relationship if she wishes to do so.

The other thing though is that you are also not being honest with yourself. Continuing the relationship and knowing that a break-up will happen sooner or later, will also put a strain on your feelings and emotions. She will pick up on that as well.

You have talked to her about not living together, how did she react to that?

 

There are lots and lots of people who haven't yet acted on their homosexual feelings but nevertheless are 100% certain that they are gay, as well as people who knew for years and years and just confirmed it with their first sexual experiences.

For people of your generation, looking at porn, noticing what sort of sexual fantasies you have during masturbation, and experimenting with looking at different types of porn or different fantasies can be very helpful in clearing up the confusion. And if you think about it, one can have sexual experiences with *anyone* that aren't great, so just because you are a guy who has sex with a guy and doesn't find it fulfilling doesn't mean you're straight, any more than a guy having a crappy sexual experience with a girl doesn't inherently make him gay. It's really about what your attractions and sexual excitement comes from.

 

This is really sort of a thread hijack, as it has nothing to do with the OP's question. It's an interesting topic to discuss (even though the literature is pretty solid on what I said above) so if you'd like to continue discussing it, please start a new thread

 

Hi there! I think it would be best if you talk with her sooner rather than later. Not only are you letting her chasing something (i.e. spending her life with you) that will never happen, but you also decrease the chances of having a break-up that ends on good terms. The longer you keep this from her, the less she might be inclined to 'forgive' you for keeping it from her and pretending that things are still going to happen. As Lex said, you are keeping her 'chained to a ghost.' If you think about it, it isn't fair on her. Allow her to start moving on, and to start looking for someone else.

It is time that you start talking with her about the fact that this is not going to work out. End your relationship on good terms. You will need her, even after all is said and done.

 

I'll add another 2 cents here and say that, while I understand that you don't want to be stuck in a lease with someone who hates you, the more I think about this, you really are being pretty unfair to her; you already know this isn't going to work out, and with that knowledge, you have the advantage of being able to think about moving on with your life and taking the next steps. (This represents somewhat of a change in position from what I said above.) She, on the other hand, thinks everything is locked in.

She may be able to forgive you for not knowing your true sexuality, but it will be harder to forgive you for intentionally holding back the information from her for months after you knew, and if you think about it, your only real reason for doing this is because you don't want to "face the music." If you reversed the situation, and think about what *you* would want, I think it's really clear that you'd want to know as soon as possible.

I would echo the comments of Lex and Asteroid; I think, if you really think about it, you'll agree that starting the conversations as soon as possible, and not waiting until January or later, is the right thing to do.

 

It might also be wise to try and make sure that her friends are available for her to talk to if she wants their support. I don't mean by coming out to them first, but if you know there are times they are not typically available, to wait until you are reasonably certain there are.

Also, while I think talking with her is absolutely the best thing, if you're the sort that mangles what you want to say when you are nervous and upset, you could think about either writing out notes for yourself in advance to use to make sure you cover the issues, or even write a note/letter to her, and then, when both of you are sitting down, hand her the note and ask her to read it. Under no circumstances should you leave her a note when you are not there.

Make sure that among the things you say, you tell her

-- It has nothing to do with her or anything she's done
-- You still care for her as your very close friend and will continue to
-- You aren't seeing anyone else (assuming that's true) but didn't want to lie
-- You have just come to understand yourself and didn't want to lie to her
-- You would like to do whatever (within reason) to help during the transition

Expect that she may, initially, simply deny the truth. That's part of the stages of loss (denial-anger-grief-bargaining-acceptance). If this happens, gently, and as supportively as you can, reinforce the message. It might be a little harder since she already thinks you are bisexual and might try to convince you that you still are, and that it can work, but you can gently and respectfully say that this isn't the case, and you would much rather disentangle the mess you've made *now* rather than go down a path that will be much worse for both of you in 3 or 5 or 10 years.

Expect some anger. I would suggest also lining up in advance an alternate place to sleep for a day or two if she asks you to do that.

As Jim said, it's hard to do this in a way that she won't be at least somewhat upset. But if you are thoughtful and respectful, and make it clear it is with *her* best interests that you brought this up now, I think she will eventually, once the shock wears off, thank you and appreciate your honestly.

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