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Akwardness at Work

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by EM68, Oct 3, 2009.

  1. EM68

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    The last couple of months I have felt awkward at my job. I work at a car dealership. Most of the salesmen are male. We have a lot of ideal time in between customers. Sometimes they talk about going out with women and what they do with them. When they talk that way I just find myself moving to another part of the floor. Yesterday I had a customer, a middle aged woman. She was fairly attractive, a bit out there (but that is another story). I had to get some information at the receptionist desk and some of the younger salesmen commented on how hot she was. Then one guy said ' I would do her' then asked me if I would. I just laughed and it was very uncomfortable. I said nothing and a few of the sales men noticed. I am only open to a couple of people at work. One openly gay guy and a saleswoman. It feels great because I can be myself around them. I would love to be that way with everyone but right now I don't see myself coming out to anyone else.

    Has that happened to anyone else? What have you done or would do?
     
  2. Kenko

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    Have you spoken to your gay co-worker about how he's felt around other coworkers? As far as negative reactions, etc.
     
  3. Jack2009

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    Only if they are talking about girlfriends, since obviously I don't have one.

    It just doesn't come up often, but only once so far, and the old woman with a make up mole said, "lots of girls here" with her eyes darting to them. Then the young busty blonde Natasha with dark rimmed glasses, the manager, came walking across with her hair blowing in the wind and her boobs jiggling. With the shorter Indian girl Thaki gyrating her hips as she went to the next aisle.

    Then I smile, and went back to the bagging part of working.
     
  4. EM68

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    I have and he told me to lay low because some people can be brutal.
     
  5. donnie5

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    honestly your coworkers talking about f***ing one of your customers seems very unprofessional i would have asked him to stop just because its very rude... regardless of sexual orientation. is your coworker thirteen or something? cause i thought comments like that were reserved for high school.
     
  6. EM68

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    My company is totally unprofessional. The sales manager said to me ' I heard your customer is hot'.
     
  7. Alex19

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    one of my coworkers asked me about what would happen if i brought home a black girl (shes black- and lemme say i LOVE her to death b/c we always have such a good time) and i was thinking, well im not too sure about the girl part... lol
     
  8. Lexington

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    Well, I can only speak for myself. Back in the early/mid 90s, I worked at an auto parts warehouse in the middle of the warehouse district in the center of what was then called "the hate state"...and I came out there.

    One thing I learned about my co-workers there - and it sounds like yours might be similar. If you act tentative, they'll leap on it and give you grief. But if you stand your ground - especially in a friendly, joking way - they'll be less likely to. Not just about being gay, either. One of them was making fun of me for going to college. (Seriously.) I said something along the lines of, "Well, I had to. All those books were sitting there waiting to be studied, and I know damn well YOU couldn't get through them." Everybody laughed, life went on. Same with being gay. I handled the books there, and one customer was perpetually behind in paying. We used to send a woman down to go through their accounts if someone was delinquent, but she no longer worked there. Someone suggested "Maybe we should send Lex - he might be able to give them what Sandy was used to." My response was, "I dunno. I'd want dinner first, and judging by their books, I don't think they could afford that." Again, we laughed, life went on. We joked about me being gay the same way we joked about JR being old, Milo being short, and Randy's scraggly mustache. Just friendly stuff.

    Have you actively noticed your co-worker taking a lot of heat? If not, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If you want to come out, try joking about it. In the situation you gave, when your coworker asked "Would you do her?", you could say "Well, I'll see if she's got a brother..."

    Lex
     
  9. beckyg

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    Exactly! Grown men standing around talking about who they would "do" at work is totally inappropriate. I'd tell them so!
     
  10. EM68

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    My co worker that is openly gay has not directly gotten crap but I have heard people say stuff behind his back. Including one in his office.
     
  11. Lexington

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    You can't stop people from talking behind your (or anyone's) back. I just assume that some people say stuff about me when I'm not around. Not because I'm gay, but because some people like to talk about people behind their back. Even if your co-worker wasn't out - hell, even if he wasn't gay - they'd probably have some things to say about him. Being gay just gives them something convenient to say. And it's just like some numbnuts calling me "faggot" - it says a lot more about HIM than it ever does about me. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  12. Chip

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    Problem is, this is an auto lot, and unfortunately (and not to stereotype), this sort of bigotry is pretty common in that field, from what I've heard from a couple friends that worked in the industry. The good news is, one of those friends, after he was already out, became the sales manager at a very large dealership, and because he was so incredibly good at his game, nobody gave him the slightest grief.
     
  13. EM68

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    Calchip is totally right. There is so much bigotry and disrespect at the dealership. It can get quit disgusting. I know if that one person found out the rest of the dealership would find out within the day or so. So I need to be careful who I tell.
     
  14. KeithJ108

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    This is one situation I've never really been able to figure out what's the best thing to do.

    I don't work in a car dealership but i totally get why Ed thinks he needs to be careful who he tells but being careful who you tell gets complicated and I'm beginning to wonder how good it is for someone's self confidence.

    I don't like being stuck in the closet in some situations, it can be stressful! but it might just be asking for trouble to be myself all the time ... I'm not so good at deciding which is the best option.
     
  15. guacj

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    From the way it sounds there is just the one guy that is giving people problems. One thing that you might consider if you want to come out at work is to talk to your boss about it first and what he thinks you could do to make the transition. I know you said that he is unprofessional, but is there someone else that you could talk to. It is managements responsibility to maintain a non-hostile work environment, and there are laws that protect gays from being sexually harassed, and derogatory comments about ones sexuality constitutes sexual harassment. Just a thought.
     
  16. BasketCase

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    I've had something similar at work. There are quite a few good looking women in the office and more than once comments have been passed about their looks etc. and I have been asked what I think of how such and such looks - I didnt really know how to reply to the question so I just shrugged my shoulders and avoided giving an answer.

    I'm lucky that where I work has strict policy on equal rights and its ruthlessly implemented - not that I have made any complaints so far (Although I could have easily).
     
  17. Jim1454

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    Thankfully I work in a very professional office environment. Nothing at all like that is EVER said.

    I'm curious... Is this a 'big three' dealership? Or imports?
     
  18. s5m1

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    Ed, this is a tough problem to work through because of where you (and I) come from. I am working through similar issues now at work and expect to come out there in the next few weeks. Implicit in your question is an assumption that there is something wrong with being gay. Otherwise, why would it matter is anyone knew you were gay? (I am assuming your job will not be in jeopardy because of a homophobic boss). While I understand that you are concerned about what others may say, in assessing what to do, you are making the decision based on what you think other people will do, rather than what feels right for you.

    Let’s say someone makes comments that are inappropriate. As Lex pointed out, humor can be a great way to deflect the comments and ease this transition period. It sounds, though, like you are uncomfortable internally in being publicly recognized as gay. Perhaps the real question is, do you feel comfortable being open with your sexuality to everyone, not because of how you think they may react but because it feels right for you? Have you reached a point in your coming out process where it does not matter to you how others view your sexuality because you are entirely comfortable with it? If the answer is yes, and your job will not be placed in jeopardy, I suggest it does not matter that someone else may not like that you are gay. You should make your decision based on how you want to live your life, not how you think others will view you.
     
  19. s5m1

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  20. L|L

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    I don't know what the dynamics are where you work, but I, too, work at a dealership. I also was a mechanic for many years - I know the stigma of the auto industry.

    There was one instance a tall, good-looking blonde came in. I was trying to get her into the shop on a packed day. My boss quips "Just because she's blonde..."

    Well later on he figures out I'm gay. He asks me "are you gay?" To which I reply "Yes." "Why didn't you tell me you were gay?" He asks. I say "Why didn't you tell me you were straight?" He got the point.

    There's nothing I can't talk about with my coworkers. We're a very open group.

    We make off-remarks back and forth - it's all fun. We were in our advisor meeting and the service director was talking about his strides in dealing with young guys bitching at him. He says, "I had these 18 and 19 year old boys coming at me..." I say "that's been my problems for years." We all had a giggle.

    Maybe you haven't given your coworkers the chance? Or, let them know you don't appreciate the comments and they make you uncomfortable.