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How does one really know that they are gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by guacj, Oct 4, 2009.

  1. guacj

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    So I posted a thread about coming out to my fiancee, and there was someone who questioned weather or not I really know that I am gay. I dont mind that someone questions it.

    No, I have never been in a relationship with a guy and I have not had a physical experience with one either, but I just know I am gay. I have had sex with a woman, and I know that although it is pleasurable I just dont really enjoy it. I know I am gay becuase of the strong attraction that I have for men. There is just a feeling I get when I am around an attractive man that I dont get when I am around an attractive woman. I do think that there are attractive women out there, but I am not attracted to them in the way a straight person would be.

    How does someone know they are straight until they have been with a person. Well I have lived as a straight person while I was in the closet, and I know that is not the life for me. I cannot say for certain that I will enjoy sex with another man, but experimented a little bit with toys and find them more enjoyable than sex with a woman. I know that I am attracted to men and want to be with them.

    Post your thoughts on this topic and wheather or not you feel the same as I do.
     
  2. NickT

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    I think the fact that I've never gotten...er..."excited" from a girl is proof enough. =/ I think it's just one of those things you simply know without any sort of explanation.
     
  3. Black Cat

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    Questions like this confuse me. :confused:

    I mean, how does someone know that they are straight? I can't explain why or how I know I am gay, I just know. I have always known to be honest. I don't speak from experience, as I have been with neither a man nor a woman, but I can tell you that I am far more attracted to men than I am to women.

    I feel the same way as you do, having not officially "tested" my gayness by having sex with another man I still know that I'm gay.
     
  4. Revan

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    It's three simple words.

    You Just Know
     
  5. Gaetan

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    This exact question is why it has taken me so long to come out to myself. I've wanted to grow up, have a wife and the 2.5 kids since I was in middle school. I think I actually could get married and live a "straight" life.

    ...Yet I'd still be gay, and probably be unhappy. How do I know I'm gay? When out and about, my eyes drift to guys, and not girls. Very rarely have I had a sexual thought towards a female. That pretty much sums it up.

    And, "I just know." also sums it up pretty well.
     
  6. Phoenix

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    I think its like when you're asked are you right handed or left handed. You just know which you are. Some are right some are left some are ambidextrous.
     
  7. Just Adam

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    you just know from how you feel around them...

    i dont feel anything generally for teh actual gender of someone its the person themselves i care about the emotional connection that is the buiding block for the attraction not the gender...its weird and complicated...

    but i know my sexuality men ...women its all good tehyre all human to me :slight_smile:
     
  8. Maddy

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    I've known since I was six years old that I would be happy in a relationship with a woman. I've never had a real, non-messed-up relationship with another girl, but I just know that I'm emotionally and physically attracted to women.
     
  9. Z3ni

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    Look at a hot naked guy.. if something starts growing, I think it means your gay.
     
  10. Chip

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    I think the fact that sex with women isn't very pleasurable or exciting for you, and that you enjoy toys, think about and fantasize about men, and don't find yourself attracted to women is a really clear indicator.

    I frankly get annoyed when people, particularly gay people, try to insinuate that someone cannot know they are gay until they have had sex. Nobody sets the same standard for straight people, and if you think about it, that would be completely ridiculous, but somehow it is OK if you are gay for people to raise that point.

    Likewise, the idea that one experience with a guy or girl can magically answer the question is almost as ridiculous. While in many cases, it will just naturally feel "right" when you're with whatever sex you're attracted to, it's also quite possible to have a downright awful first experience with someone and still have attraction to people of that sex. So really, I believe (and the literature supports) that if you know what your attraction is based on fantasies, attractions, etc, and it feels right to you, then that is, pretty much without question, what your preference is.

    Now... that said, I think there may be people for whom their sexuality is not so clear cut (remembering that Kinsey said only 10% of us are totally straight or gay), and so for them, they may need to have a bunch of experiences to determine what they most enjoy, if indeed they have a strong preference at all.

    So don't let somebody's unfounded concern affect your own comfort with the decision that you're gay. It seems pretty clear from what you've said that you are.
     
  11. guacj

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    I just don't really understand why people think that you have to prove to people that you are gay by having sex with the same sex before you can come out as gay. Some of the people on this thread have mentioned that straight people don't need to justify that they are straight by having sex with the opposite sex first.
     
  12. stratavos

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    friends often pressure each other to have a relationship if they haven't been in one for 4+ years. especially if they're over 25. Funnily, the person might be Asexual, and feel no need to copulate with anyone physically.
     
  13. Lexington

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    I think most - but not all - people could tell even if they never did have sex with a member of the same sex. With me, I simply tried "liking guys" for a while to see if it was a phase. After it didn't go away after a few months of fantasizing about nothing but guys (and my sex drive remained a lot stronger than it was back when I was fantasizing about girls), I figured it was here to stay.

    Lex
     
  14. BasketCase

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    How do I know I am gay despite the fact I have never had sex with a guy?

    I've been attracted to my own sex for as long as I can remember. I want a relationship with a guy.
     
  15. Ben

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    The same way that I know I like chocolate ice-cream.

    I just do.
     
  16. ultrabluecheese

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    I think it's more of a matter of attraction and preferences. Could you better see yourself with a man or a woman?

    Some choose one or either, but there's no concrete and logical reasoning behind it. We're just attracted to the same sex.
     
  17. kizza111

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    Haha not for me!
    i dont know without an explanation gahh its hard!
     
  18. guacj

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    Your still young though...I really wasnt sure when I was your age. Mainly because I was in denial and thought I could just choose for myself. One day you will just know.
     
  19. Revan

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    Again I state people: You Just Know.
     
  20. KneeDragger

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    I knew once I realized that I only noticed cute guys and never really noticed girls. I guess I never really questioned it. It just happened.