...April09. That's when I officially came out. I told friends first, so I would have some support, or at least so they would know the tough time I'm going through first. Apparently mom took it the hardest. Sister wasn't sure she believed me, but she's ok with it now. Dad told me not to label myself, but I think he simply wants me to be happy/successful. So it's October2009 now. Mom still looks at me with disgust(when I visit, since I live on my own near college a few cities away). She still tells me that she bawls her eyes out to sleep, has people come up to her and ask her about me (yet she sort've leaves them hanging and walks away because it still upsets her). ...I feel like I've almost died. And I guess in a sense, her view of me at first, has. No man, no husband, no children (at least that I can see for now). etc. There's possiblity of a marriage since I live in Canada, but she already told me she won't go to that--whatever. I answered questions she had when I first came out, and gave her support websites/books but she refuses them. I just uwant to be able to have civil conversation, yet be honest about my life, such as visiting my girlfriend or talking to a couple friends at school (she asks if every one of my friends is gay; some are some aren't. ) If anyone can offer advice, it would be greatly appreciated. I don't know if I can survive this long [turkey] weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving) with family if I have to go through this hell more...(at least without adequate advice).
Well, you don't -have- to go to your family's house for Canadian Thanksgiving if you don't want to. After I moved out of the house, I can remember two Thanksgivings so far in the last six years that I have not attended with my family. In fact, one of them tops my list of fun Thanksgivings. I spent it with a group of friends. We all helped make the dinner, set out the dishes, and ate at the small table in my apartment before all sitting down to watch some Margaret Cho comedy (her first DVD special had -just- come out). So, the moral of the story is that as long as you can find someone to spend the holiday with, even if it's not family, it can be just as fun. Plus, it would sort of act as a statement that you don't have to deal with your mom's lack of compassion until she comes around. And if she acts hurt about it, just tell her that the thing you were most thankful for this year were the friends you have who supported you during your struggle. It'll send a subtle message that she needs to wise up.
From the first moment your mother set eyes on you, she, like most parents, began to form in the mind who you will be, and who she hopes you will be. Sometimes people feel they know what is truly best for others, and cannot bring themselves to accept alternative that do not fit into this vision. Yes, it is a bit selfish; but often people have invested a great deal of their expectations in it. From what you described, it sounds like your mother is grieving the vision she had of you as a child. It is truly sad that she isn't supporting you through this and is troubling the little time she does has with you on this Earth. Because, your time with her is just that--limited. I just want to say, there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Duh, right? But, it is important to know that you are not causing your mother pain, rather your mother is causing herself pain. She has placed herself in a situation where she is both the perpetrator and the victim. I don't know about you, but I have nothing but pity for someone who is doing that to themselves. It looks like you will have to be the mature one in this situation. Avoiding her and having revenge isn't going to get you anywhere. You are part of her life, whether she likes it or not. When she gives you shit about being honest concerning who you are, give her love, kindness and and ear to talk to. I know, exactly what she doesn't deserve. But, I am of the belief that more bitterness isn't going to heal this wound. No zingers, no sarcasm...just listening and support (Crazy, huh? Isn't it funny that you of all people need that, but are the one who will end up giving it out ) You are going to have to show up to turkey day and rise above the pettiness and show you care about her. I have had people reject me because of who I am, who later came back and apologized for rejecting me. Sometimes people need time to get over the news and figure out what they are going to do about it. Best of luck to you, and keep up posted !
Or you could ask her if she turned out the exact way her own parents had planned? Then tell her if she wants any kind of relationship with her daughter, she'd better get over the fact you're gay, and give you a call when she grows up. Maybe this is a shitty suggestion...
I'd just avoid the topic if I were you. When you arrive home, smile and give your mom a hug - without bracing yourself for her snarky comments. And as the snarky comments come or you get the cold shoulder, just let it roll off your back. You're there to visit other familiy members - not just your mother. She'll eventually get it. She'll realize that SHE is missing out - when the rest of the family is going about their business and enjoying themselves and she's the only one who is unhappy. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
it sounds like your Mom has fallen into one of those "I-know-to-make-my-kid-not-gay" traps. Guilt. If she is telling you she is bawling her eyes out every night, she is trying to make you feel so bad that you'll straighten up (pun intended). If you've been out since April and your Mom is still trying these tricks on you then you need to have a talk, just you and her. Let her know this isn't some phase. You're not going to suddenly become un-gay.
