Here recently I've been feeling very lost and out of control. First, I should tell you that I have major depression and borderline personality disorder. The depression has been managed fairly well with medication, and honestly, I don't know how being borderline has really affected me. I don't know if the way that I am feeling now is due to my disorder or if my medication is not working correctly. I've been very hard on myself about my appearance and I'm confused as to how I should present myself. I like to wear mens clothing, but I feel like everyone is staring at me or making comments behind my back about whether I'm a boy or a girl. I've been letting these feelings get to me a lot and it's really starting to wear on my emotions. I feel like I'm going to fall back into my depression and that is the last thing that I want. I have too much to lose at this point. I am going to school and maintaining a 3.9 GPA, and I have a wonderful girlfriend (but she doesn't really understand my conditions), and I don't want to lose her. She knows I used to cut and it makes her really uncomfortable, but I keep getting the urge to do it again. It has been probably about a year since the last time I did it. I know if I do it she will leave me, but if I don't I will continue to feel like I have no control over my life. Despite my good grades, I'm having a really hard time concentrating in school and getting myself to do the assignments. I've been very impulsive with my spending of money and reckless with speeding while driving. I see a psychiatrist, but it's a military doctor and is really hard to get an appointment. I used to see a private one, but I lost my medical insurance and am only covered to see military doctors. I'm thinking I should just spend the extra money to go see the private doc again because he knows so much more about me than the new doctor (plus he specializes in patients with borderline disorder). I really think I need to be seeing a therapist too, but again, it's so hard to get an appointment and the private one I saw (who collaborated with the private psychiatrist) is also no longer covered by my insurance. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to get things back on track.
first off take some deep breaths and i don't just mean immediately I know it is terribly cliche sounding but when things like anxiety or worry or depression are getting to you just take some time to take deep breaths just counting in and out see if you can get 5-10 seconds breathing in and same out. And think what is really that wrong? Most of the time it is not as bad as it feels in the moment. I myself have depression and anxiety issues and am greatly helped by this process. Find a better outlet for the issues than cutting, go to the gym, or something like that you like to do. Also you should talk to your girlfriend about issues you are having. You need someone to talk to and who better than the person that loves you, they will love you no matter what i hope i was of some help PM me anytime (*hug*)
Definitely do everything you can to go back to your psychiatrist. It sounds like s/he is way better for you than the one you're seeing now, and if you can afford it going back would be you best option - paying a bit is worth your well-being. If you feel like the urge to cut is building up, and you give in to it, that's not taking control. Not cutting is something you're really keeping control over. I know the way cutting makes you feel like you're taking control, but really it has control over you. I've only gone a really short way down that path, but I can recommend that if you feel the immediate urge, get yourself somewhere public, get people around you, until the really immediate urge has faded a bit. Would it help your girlfriend if she maybe went to the psychiatrist with you for one session, so the three of you can run through it all together?
As much as you might think at the time that cutting would make you feel better - it won't. It will only add to your problems, so don't go there. Talk to your girlfriend. Let her know how you're really feeling. Complete honesty in a relationship feels really weird at first, but in the long run it really works. It has with me, anyway. Finally, I'd say you already know what to do. Figure out how to see your old psychiatrist and therapist again. Short term pain (money wise) will likely result in long term gain (your mental health). That kind of investment is a 'no brainer' if you can swing it. Good luck!
