I came to a decision last night, after weeks of thinking about it and hating myself for it. I'm not really mad or even too sad, but it is a little bittersweet. I'm just not sure where to go from here. C, my best friend of three years, never had a problem with me when I came out. There was a rough patch when she found out I had a crush on her, but eventually we became friends again before it even completely went away. All through the end of seventh and the entire eighth grade, she had absolutely no problem with it. And now she does. It started with little things- for example, "I'm fine with your lesbianness, I just don't want to see it." "Hate to break up your little lesbian hug-fest, but I don't need to see this." Stuff like that. Then we were at a dance early in the year and everyone was grinding in pairs, leaving me as the odd one out. I danced with this one guy for like two seconds, then decided it was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life and went back to watching everyone else. No one came to my rescue, and later I was talking to C about it. I explained why I wasn't having fun but she still didn't understand. She asked why I was uncomfortable and I said, "You guys are all paired up. I can't dance with a boy because that's gross and I don't want to freak out any girls." I asked how she would feel if I grinded with her, and she admitted that it would freak her out a little bit (which was what I was expecting, but still hurt a little). The only reason that pissed me off was that it was entirely hypocritical- she had grinded with other girls the same night (straight, but still, I'd told her that I had no interest in her and promised never to think of her in that way) and with boys who had groped her chest, and she had no problem with it. It was only me. A couple of weeks later she invited me to spend the night at her house, and we talked about it. I told her I thought of it as a trust issue, because that was what it seemed to me- that her ego was so fucking huge that no matter how many times I promised her I just wanted to be friends, she still got it into her head that I wanted to rape her (not in those exact words of course). So C told me it wasn't like that and fed me some bullshit about how whenever I talked about girls she pictured me having sex with them. Even when I said, "Oh, she's cute" or something completely innocent. Which is crap because I've listened to countless descriptions of her past crushes' dicks. But I let it slide and semi-believed her because I wanted to so badly. And for the rest of the night she treated it like a joke. "See, I don't think you're gonna rape me! Look I'll change in front of you to prove it!" But it goes on. I feel like I can't be myself anymore. Everyone else can talk about who they like and people they think are cute. When I say that, it becomes, "Whoa... wait, what? Never mind. I don't even want to know." They don't even give me a chance to properly out myself. All of my girl friends can joke around and jump on each other's backs randomly and just do silly stuff, and as soon as I join in it becomes some sort of release for Megan's sexual energy and everyone flips out. I really only had three friends that I could ever trust completely- C, who I obviously can't go to, a girl who left the school last year, and a gay boy who doesn't seem to want to hear about it anymore. So now I feel completly alone and like I have no one to go to. Last night at the homecoming dance she went on with her condescending "I'm superior to you because I'm heterosexual" and completely mocking attitude- after complaining about her hair, she asked how she looked. I was already pissed off at her from what she's been doing for the past few weeks, so I mumbled some non-committed answer. Of course that wasn't good enough, so she continued with, "Would you screw me?" That really set me off. I told her straight- there was going to be something wrong with whatever answer I gave. She saw that I was upset and tried to make me feel better, and that was where it ended: "I'm sorry I can't be there for you, I just get these mental images..." "I'm sorry I can't be there for you." That's when I realized she was right. She can't be there for me, and that's that. I'm not mad at her for it, she can't help it, but there's no point in me sticking around. So I'm done with her. After everything she's put me through, I'm finally going to tell her that I don't want to be her friend anymore. But my question is, how do I do that? And what do I do then? I don't have any real friends anymore. I feel completely alone and like I have no one to go to. That's the one string that's keeping me from completely resolving me to doing this- I'll have no one else. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the length of this, and thanks to anyone who read it. Please help?
First off, (*hug*). And I think this is the precise reason why I don't have guy friends anymore. I'd feel so uncomfortable around them and wouldn't be able to make any of the sexual jokes that I do so very often with my chick friends. Not to mention the guy friends I've had were all homophobic... or at least used to be. I'm not sure what I can say to help you though. All I can think of is try to find new friends. It probably won't be that hard seeing as how you've only just started high school. Again, (*hug*).
(*hug*) I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Middle school is a crappy time already without having that kind of abuse added to it. That being said, the best way to go about telling her that you don't want to be friends anymore is to say it outright--you are upset with the way she treats you, and you don't need that in your life anymore. It will be hard, but in the end...if you get away from that negativity, then you might be happier. Lonely for a little bit, but you will always be able to find new friends. I know everyone says that, but it's true. I always figure that if I can find new friends...anyone can. And I'm fat and introverted! But anyway, Cheria is right. You are about to start high school, so it shouldn't be too hard to meet new people. If you especially want to find someone who can deal with your gender, see if the high school you are going to go to has a GSA...or something. Good luck, and I hope things get better for you. (*hug*)
You are a remarkably mature young lady for the age of 14. With your friend, I see no reason to confront her. Really, it would just cause more drama that you do not need. The best thing to do would just be to drift apart, and if she confronts you about it, then you can talk to her about it.
First of all, like everyone in this post, i have to give you a hug! *hug* Now, I can relate to what you're saying, I really can. A few years back i came out to my best friend who's also my room mate, and she took it very well, was very understanding, etc.. but lately I can't but have the feeling there is something she is just not saying. I wish i had you're courage and confront her about it. Maybe one day i will, it's just, like you I have fewer friends. But here's the diference between you and me, our age. You're pretty young, you're 14, there is time for you to conquer new friendships. Next year you'll probably start a new school, and you'll have new friends, more mature people (i hope!) and then if you go to University, you'll find friend for life. Meanwhile, I would advise to seek new people. I now this is easier said than done, but there's bound to be people around you that share your interests.. also, we are all here in EC to be your friends, so you're not alone. (&&&)
