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On the fence . . .

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tayana, Aug 7, 2007.

  1. tayana

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    I'm new here, and I've been reading all the posts. This is an awesome site. I'm glad I found it.

    I am out to everyone except my family. I don't have much family, so its really hard to consider taking this step with them. I've poked at the subject with my father a little, trying to gauge his reaction. He's a little bent, and I thought he might be accepting. But he wasn't. I was really shocked by his homophobic responses.

    My mother has been emotionally/verbally abusive all of my life, and has only gotten worse as she's gotten older. I just recently moved further away from my parents to try to distance myself from her. She is extremely homophobic, and I got tired of rebutting her nasty comments that she would make in front of me. I don't know if she suspects I'm a lesbian or not. She used to snoop through my things, so it's a definite possibility. She was very angry over my recent move, especially since that meant she would no longer be so involved in my son's life.

    I'm working on coming out to my son, who's 10, but it's really hard to discuss what it means to be gay with someone who has the attention span of a gnat and thinks talking about love or anything mushy is gross. I'm currently single, so I don't have a girl to give him an example. One of the reasons I never came out to my parents had to do with my son. They were helping to support us, providing childcare, etc, and I've learned that a lot of people are fine with being gay until a child is involved. My mother is the type who would file a child complaint out of vindictive rage. I plan to be out to my son before the end of the year. That one is actually not that difficult, since he's still young, and he hasn't really developed any sort of opinion about homosexuality.

    The problem is my parents and my brother. Given the way my mother has treated me, and that my father pretty much enables her abusive behavior, I really don't want to come out to them unless I have to.

    My brother is another story however. We grew apart after he got married, and since I've moved we've started getting close again. I really want to tell him, but I don't even know how to broach the subject. He made a comment once that used to have "two gentleman" as neighbors, which makes me think he might be more accepting than my parents. I just don't know how to even start the conversation. And I wouldn't know what to do if he's not as accepting as I hoped for.

    Advice anyone?
     
  2. Jim1454

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    Wow - I'm sorry to hear that you can't confide in your parents. Its unfortunate, but I guess not all that unusual.

    Welcome to EC. It really is a great site - so I'm also glad you found it!

    In terms of broaching the subject - it's not going to just 'come up' in conversation. You'll have to set it up a bit, even if its to say that 'you have something important that you want to talk about' in an email or something. That's easy enough to do, and sets you up for something major the next time you talk.

    Good luck.
     
  3. Sam

    Sam
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    Welcome to EC!

    I am so sorry that you are in the situation you are with your parents. I think that telling your brother might be a good thing for you because if he is ok with it then you will at least have his support and that will make you feel a lot better. I think that if you just work through what you want to say to your son then it should be fairly easy to tell him too. Although I have a brother who is almost 9 and I have no idea how to tell him so I really can't help you there. For your brother you will know when the time is right and maybe just start a conversation and cleverly sneak it into the conversation.

    good luck with everything and again welcome to EC I know you will like it here
     
  4. tayana

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    Thank you for the welcome. I do like it here. This is a wonderful site. I wish I'd found it when I first started coming out.

    I worry less about telling my son. Once school starts, and we are around my parents less, I'll feel more comfortable about telling him. He asks fairly pointed questions sometimes so I get some good opportunities with him. When we first talked about what being gay meant, he said, "God loves you no matter what, and he made you like you are." Of course, then the topic drifted to something else, and his attention was lost. I've found honesty and openness to be the best way to deal with him.

    The topic just doesn't come up that much with my brother. We've been talking on the phone and doing things together. It's been nice. We were really close when I was growing up. He's fourteen years older than me, so he was sort of a surrogate father, but once he got married we didn't really do things together anymore. So it's been nice. He was very supportive of me moving and distancing myself from my parents, and my mother in particular. I hope he'll be supportive of this too.

    I'm really sad about my parents. I keep wanting them to be supportive and loving, but they just aren't. I've been working with a counselor to deal with my feelings about them. Ironically, working with the counselor has brought about lots of good things in my life.

    I outed myself on my blog. I've hinted at the topic for a year, but I finally just did it very blatantly. I got some nice comments. I came out to my son's father, and he was supportive. I inadvertently outed myself to a co-worker, and I didn't panic like I would have a year ago. I've been learning to like myself as I am, and I'm starting to feel really good about that.

    Thanks for all the support, and I'm sorry to babble a bit. I shouldn't write when I'm tired.
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Oh gosh - babbling and writing when you're tired may be the best way to get it all out - don't worry about it!

    I also have found working with a counsellor / therapist to be a really worthwhile experience for me! I've come to accept who I am, what I've done (and not done) and that has allowed me to find some peace, like myself more, and plan for the future.

    As the expression goes - we can pick our friends, but we can't pick our family... I hope your brother is as supportive as you think he will be.
     
  6. LorenzG1950

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    Welcome Tayana. As one of those folks who came out very late in life :eek: , I can understand your situation quite well (no offense intended), especially wanting to come out to your brother. It's been less than a year since I came out to my sister, brother, nieces and nephews, albeit via mail, since they're in the US and I'm in Germany. The response was overwhelmingly positive. The only one I haven't heard from is my brother. We too were very close but drifted apart for geographic reasons. So it hurts me that he hasn't said a thing but maybe he just doesn't know how to handle it.

    The main thing is that I didn't want to play charades with my family anymore and my gut feeling was correct. They accept me the way I am. In the case of your brother, you're going to have to trust your intuition. Sure, it could go wrong but from your description, that doesn't seem likely.

    As Jim suggested, you probably need to take the first step by initiating a meeting where you have "something important to tell him". A relaxed dinner (minus your son), a theater night, after the movies, something where you will both be feeling positive already. I'm pretty sure it will work out ok. In fact, I'm sure my brother would be ok if I had a chance to talk to him in person.

    As far as your son goes, you'll get enough opportunities in the next 2-3 years, maybe sooner than you think. Staying honest as you have is really the best policy. Kids are much smarter these days compared to when I was growing up. He'll probably ask one of those "pointed" questions real soon.

    Sorry about your parents but you've already taken the right steps towards independence. It's your life and your son. That's where it will obviously be helpful to have your brother for support.

    Best of luck and hope it turns out well. (*hug*)
     
  7. Bryan

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    Wow, I am sorry you are in that situation. You sound like you need some professional help Thy the GLBT help hotline, they can really help:
    Toll-free 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)

    HOURS:

    Monday thru Friday from 1pm to 9pm, Pacific Time
    Saturday from 9am to 2pm, Pacific Time

    (Monday thru Friday from 4pm to midnight, Eastern Time
    Saturday from Noon to 5pm, Eastern Time)
     
  8. Double Dubya

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    Hey there Tayana

    It sounds like your son will be no problem :thumbsup:. But I hope everything works out with your parents(*hug*).

    WW
     
  9. tayana

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    Thanks for the advice everyone. I've been thinking about this. I know my parents will be absolutely hopeless. They can't even come to my home without criticizing everything. I was however encouraged when my brother admitted having some positive relationships with other GLBT people. We were discussing my son, and how my mom had been opposed to letting him into the boy scouts because the troop leaders were pedophiles and homosexuals. I told him that I'd had plenty of gay friends, and I'd trust them with my son more than I would a lot of straight men. I was sort of biting my lip during this conversation, we were talking on the phone, as I was trying to decide how he might react. I think he might be kind of surprised at first, maybe a little distant, but overall I think it would be positive. That's my gut feeling. Someone suggested I go with my gut feeling, so at some point in the hopefully near future, I want to come out to him. I don't know how my sister-in-law would react since I don't know her well at all.