Hey everyone, I just recently came out to a friend, but I need some advice with a couple of things. I’m a really shy guy who is a bit socially awkward. I haven’t dated (girls or guys) yet, and I keep to myself. I’m in a strange social college atmosphere where I know quite a few friends, but they are not really close. I really don’t have any best-friends. I would like to form deep friendships with some of them, but I lack the skills. Yet, I still really trust the friends that I have…and I know that most if not all would be fine with me coming out. The problem is I just don’t know how to tell them. To them I’m just a shy guy. Most of them probably have no clue that I’m gay. When I tell them I don’t want it to seem just like small talk, or something amusing….I want it to be meaningful. But I don’t talk to most of them on a regular basis. What do you guys recommend? Second, the situation is complicated by the fact that I came out to a guy who also hasn’t publicly come out either. I think I might have feelings for this guy. At first I just wanted to be better friends with him. The reason I came out to him was that he seemed to be showing attention towards, me…including some physical contact, not sexual though. When I came out to him he was very supportive and we talked about our similar experiences for several hours. The next couple of days I felt like I wanted to hang out with him and talk, but he was too busy. I sent a couple of emails, but I got just a few replies. We haven’t really talked since then, and he hasn’t even replied to the last emails that I’ve sent. This situation is also weird because I run into him once in a while and he still says hi to me we walk by each other.… I don’t know what to do. I was really depressed the week after I came out, because I missed the guy and I was bit unsure what to do next. I don’t want to bother him, or make it seem like I’m stalking or obsessed with him. Anyone have suggestions? Should I just come out to other people and ignore him…I have a strong feeling that he may avoid me to prevent drawing attention to himself, but I really like the guy. Anyone want to be my friend online and talk about this and other experiences?
Hi Just08! First off - Welcome to EC! I'm glad you found this site, because you'll find lots of people with similar experiences to yours. I'm never sure what to tell someone when they say they don't have the necessary 'skills' to make friends. The fact is - you're very well spoken (at least you're writing is good - so I'm assuming you're bright and articulate, going to college, etc.), you're aware of your orientation (which is a plus - take it from me!), and probably have a number of other things going for you! I don't think there are any specific 'skills' that one can acquire. However, some people are more outgoing than others, and appear to be able to make friends easier. Not sure how you feel, but some of those people I wouldn't want to have as a friend - I find them annoying! lol! I'd rather be friends with someone that is more my speed. When I was your age, I hadn't really dated much - and when I did it was with girls. I never knew why I wasn't really all that keen on dating girls - it just seemed like the thing to do. I had a couple of crushes, but nothing serious ever developed. So I hadn't had any serious relationships, and was still a virgin at 24. At least you're aware of your orientation - so you know what you're looking for. 'Best friends' are hard to come by, but mine I found at college - not high school. When I got into a program that was focussed on what I wanted to do, I found other people with similar interests and similar temperments as mine. Those are the friendships I've maintained over the years. So keep making yourself 'available' to people - be open to talk with them, or initiate conversations. Be open and willing to participate in activities, or organize them yourself. Weekend ski trips were real bonding experiences that we still talk about almost 15 years later! Join a club that interests you, or invite someone or a group out to your favourite club to see a band or something. There's no one answer of course - it needs to work for you. But good luck - what you give is what you get back. It's true. Being gay is perhaps an added complication - but I wouldn't necessarily make a big deal of it. Hang out with people that you feel comfortable with, and if the topic comes up, or you feel they need to know - then tell them. If you get close to someone, then tell them that you have something personal you want to share with them - something you've not shared with many other people yet - and just tell them. They'll be honoured that you were willing to share it with them, but it likely won't alter the way they feel about you. Now - with this other guy... tough call. He isn't unpleasant with you when he sees you, so you could very well be right in your own assessment. Remember that 'coming out' is going to be different for everyone, and we all go at different speeds. Look on the positive side - that you were able to share this with someone that really understood you, so that first conversation wasn't really uncomfortable or with someone that was going to be all feaked out. Telling the next person will be easier. Stay the course, and don't harrass the guy. Just let him know - if you haven't already - that you like him, enjoyed your talk, appreciated his honesty with you and the fact that he was such a great listener, and that you'd love to get together again for a coffee or something. If you still don't hear from him, then you'll probably need to move on. But take away the positives! I'll leave it at that. Good luck! We're all here for you - so stick around and get comfortable! This is a great site!
goodaye. you described your situation very well. i think you may just need to jump in. this might sound really 'slutty' and you can admonish me for being glib, but sometimes in a club with loud music and a little alcohol you can meet someone, and enjoy a little company for that time. it is what it is, it doesnt need to have no expectations. if this doesnt appeal. you need to find the things that you like doing and can communicate about, and see if you can find clubs that do the same. an added bonus is it it is a gay club. this guy - you will need to show some interest in him - to see if there is more interest for you. perhaps there is nothing to lose. if you dont try you wont know. keep posting.
