Sorry if there are some mIstakes. I am on my phone. Okay, so i have Been questioning my sexuality for a little less than a year and I am honestly almost as confused as a year ago. However. I have come to the fact that I might just be connfused for a while and that I am probably not comets straight if I am questioning this much. ( probably bi I think?) but I am come to peaCe with my odd confusing sexuality and am pretty proud of it. But today I was really frustrated with myself. Our GSA had a table out side the caf with info packets and coming out packets and rainbow stuff. I wanted to go up to that table so badly. I kept walking past it and just staring from a distance. A whole butch of people I knew stopped by, many of them even straight. I even know one of the guys running the booth, but I just couldn't muster up the confidence to go up to it. I just had a total freak out moment. I is no like they would even think I was gay if i went up and talked to them. I am already out to 10-15 people and I really don't care what other people think. It was more of an inside conflict or something. I don't know. I'm just really mad at myself. Why can't I just feel comfortable? If I had the choice, I wouldn't even choose to be straight. I like being queer. I would love to be in GSA but I can't walk up to the table and even say hi. Sorry this more of a rant. I just need to get it out.
I'm guessing that you feel that making a move like that would be crossing a line you feel you couldn't uncross. You might have told some people, you might have joined this website, but this would be a physical move that would make your non-straight status more "real". And that might just be scaring the hell out of you. Lex
You have a war going on in your own body right now, so that totally makes sense. Part of you is all "Fuck yea! Im Queer! Lets gooo to the booth!" and the other part is all "But...that would mean giving up everything that comes with being a Breeder! Noooo!" and so they fight and pull you back and forth and in the end the second voice inside you wins because its calls its self the "Voice of Reason". Its actually just the voice of fear though, and in time you will build up enough courage to push the voice of fear down and do what you need to do. Just remember: There is always Tomorrow. You can walk up to that GSA booth then. If not Tomorrow, then the next day, or the day after. Your in no rush, so take the time to build up courage.
I guess I know that feeling of frustration. Mine was slightly different in that it was supposed to be a support group I was going to but I failed to go through with it. I console myself with the thought that at least I wanted to go whereas this time last year it wasn't even a consideration.
Thanks guys. Your probably all right when you say it is hard because it is an physical step to grasping who I am. I still didn't have the guts to go up today, but I think it might still be there tomorrow. I think I will just take a deep breath and up to get a lovely little sticker that all my gay friends were wearing. It seems little, but it is a step forward.
Hi there! I think even just trying to go up to the table is an important step. You are trying to get over an inner fear, which you are trying to overcome, which is hard. Yep, take a deep breath and just try it again. But remember though, if it doesn't happen, always keep in mind that you have tried and that counts!
