Ok so I work at a large retail store. I am in a relationship with a girl, but it is one that will soon end, because I have come to terms with accepting myself as gay. I am out to my girlfriend as bi, but I digress. I am fairly new at my job, and whenever I mention my girlfriend I usually just refer to her as a friend. Well someone asked me today if I have a girlfriend, and I said yes...with very little enthusiasm. Well later on in conversation we were talking about something "girly" and I mentioned something about knowing what they were talking about, and one of them replied "oh so you swing that way". Now I know the way she said it was jokingly, but I think that she might have been kind of serious and then she remembered that earlier in the day I had confessed to having a girlfriend. I think that she and one of the gay guys might suspect that I am at least bi, because I have talked about going out to the gay clubs with friends. Something else that really caught me off guard is during another conversation the one gay guy got brought up and she was like you know hes gay dont you and I was like yah I kind of figured. Then she was like and your his type. This is what really caught me off guard. I dont know what to do. I think that if someone asks I will tell them that I am bi, but should I even do that. I just really dont know what to do. I am only out to a handful of my very close friends. I mean would not tell them that I am gay, until I came out to my girlfriend. Would it be best for me to just stay in the closet at work completely? Any advice would be great!
It depends pretty much on how social you are at work, and how comfortable you are with it. Just from your post, it sounds like you're on pretty friendly and chatty terms, and it also seems like being gay there isn't any big deal. In which case, I wouldn't have any qualms about letting it be known. You say "If someone asks, I will tell them that I am bi", but the fact is you WERE asked, in essence. Someone said "Oh, so you swing that way", and someone (else?) said "This other guy is gay, and you're his type." These may not be direct questions, but openings don't come any bigger than that. Lex
Yah, I really thought the same way, but at the same time it kind of caught me off guard and my natural defense sort of told me to just not answer.
I know how you feel. Nobody at my job has asked me yet, but when the topic of conversation gets close, I kinda worry about what I should tell them. I like to think of myself as the kind of "out" where you're not exactly openly gay, but if anyone asks you don't deny it. But when it comes to being out to my coworkers, I kinda lean towards staying closeted. My reasons are more or less that 1) Nobody at my job has anything to do with my private life, 2) There's a good deal of "workplace politics" at my job, where coworkers will try to gain leverage against other coworkers to get ahead, and 3) ENDA currently does not protect employed persons from being fired based on their sexual orientation or gender identity. I'm afraid I don't have any specific advice for you and what you should do. It's really totally up to you, and you know your life best. That, and my intention to lie to my coworkers is a problem, heh, since it keeps me in the closet. I hope that helps. But if it comes down to either my two cents or Lex's, go with Lex he's good people, and tends to give excellent advice!
Well, if they are okay with it (and you can indeed see this from other people being out and not being harassed about it), and if you are on friendly terms with them, then you could really consider just telling them. Of course, if you really feel you need to tell your girlfriend first, and only then come out at work, that's fine too, though. Just make sure that you don't keep making your girlfriend not knowing the big bottleneck that keeps back everything either. Looking back at the situation in my workplace, I really feel like I wish I had come out a few years ago. Two of my colleagues have really good gaydar apparentrly, because it wasn't a few months of me working at my current job before they started to ask in roundabout ways. However, two years ago I was still massively closeted, so I always avoided the questions (though never flat-out denied either). As a result, I'm pretty sure they still have their suspicions, but they don't really talk about it anymore for fear of making me uncomfortable. Which makes it a bit harder to just use the opening and come out. If I want to come out at work, I'll have to put in the work myself, now.
Thanks for the great advice... I think if someone asks I will tell them what I have told everyone else...that I am bi...until I am ready to fully come out of the closet. I know this might not be the right thing to do, but it is what I feel comfortable doing right now.
Don't worry, everyone has to take their own steps and if this is what makes you feel the most comfortable then go with it =) Good luck with the process though! (*hug*)
I am going through the same thing. I have came out to most of my family and a few friends. I have told a few people at work. Two are gay and one is a woman who I am good friends with. As far as being totally open I am not 100% sure. I have a bf. I am not going to advertise that I am gay but I am not going to hide it (if that makes sense). I think its going to be a balancing act. I know a few people are will be fine and accepting and a few may talk behind my back about me. I just have to get to the point that I don't care what people say. I am getting there.
Ok, so I have still not come out to anyone at work, but someone asked me tonight if I were gay, I kinda froze ad didnt say anything. I wanted to just be like its complicated. I am, but I am still in a relationship with a woman. I dont know why I couldn't even say anything. She told me that no one will discriminate, which I pretty much already knew. She didnt really push me to answer, but I am pretty sure she knew by my lack of answer. It is just going to be soo awkward next time I see her I will almost have to be like ok so about the other day...! Any suggestions?
Hi there! I think that would be a good way into starting to come out at your work place. She seems to be suspects something and with knowing that your workplace would be supportive and accepting I think it would not hurt trying to come out. Being yourself whether it be around your friends or at your workplace can make quite a difference in how you relate to your co-workers and how you feel at your work place. It is going to be only as awkward as you make it to be. If you treat it as being something awkward than it will be. You could just leave it for now, and even if you see her the next time, you don't have to bring it up if you don't want to. If you feel that you are not ready or comfortable in coming out at your workplace, there is no reason to engage her in a conversation on it. But knowing that she might be suspecting and more importantly the fact that your work place seems to be accepting and supportive, think about starting the coming out process at your work place as well. You can also let others make the first move (as it was suggested above) and just take it from there. Hope this helps a bit!
I can't believe that someone would ask that at work. You don't really need to offer anyone an answer. It is none of their business. And as far as being awkward the next time you see her, it doesn't have to be. Be prepared to talk about the weather or the shipment of 'stuff' that came in and you're busy putting out on display. I think that it would be inappropriate for you to be out at work before you've disclosed this to your girlfriend. She deserves to know.
It took me awhile, but you have to judge your social network. There have been some jobs where I felt being closeted was the best policy because the job environment was so small and conservative. There was another that I stayed in closet because I was working with children and didn't want "being gay" to get in the way and be an issue. The job I currently work out, they love me, let me be who I am. They don't care. My GM actually has become a mother figure to me and I confide in her about a lot of things. It all depends, really.
I agree with Jim. Your gf deserves to know first before in my opinion. She'll be the most affected by what happens. Not to pressure you, but...you have to let her go man. You're wasting time, her and yours when she could be out looking for a dude who's truely into chicks on all levels that she needs and vice versa. We're here for you on EC though. (*hug*)(&&&) I wish you well.
It does get complicated. The friend at work obviously knows you're gay, not just because you didn't deny it, but probably because her gaydar is refined. And the gay guy probably knows, and perhaps some others. People are just gossipy, and often they are most gossipy about the people they perceive as closeted; it's just human nature. I think she's made it clear that it doesn't matter, but I can also see your point that having it be out there before you've told your gf and it possibly getting back to her could be really bad. I'd say perhaps this is the little nudge you need to let your gf know what's going on. One of my good friends who is 20 had been going out with the same girl for 3 years, and they had plans to get married. But he knew he was gay, met another of my friends, and decided it was time to come out. He told his girlfriend and she was remarkably accepting; they are still great friends, it's been a year, and she now has a new boyfriend. It always sucks to have to tell a girlfriend but I think once you do, not only will it be a huge weight lifted from your shoulders, but I think you'll find that a lot of things are suddenly just easier
Thanks for all of the advice! I guess I really knew what to do all along. I am just having a hard time mustering up the confidence to do it. I did tell her a couple months ago that I was bi and she asked me later if I were totally gay and I told her that I didnt know. So I guess it wont be a total shock, but this really sucks. I wish that I would have come to terms with this years ago.
