Disclaimer: Very long. I am currently living in a campus apartment with 3 other girls (2 girls per room.) Last Monday, we had our first apartment meeting, even though we were 7 weeks into the semester. The entire time I felt attacked. Every comment my roommate Emily made was about me. She complained about things from weeks before, and I had never heard anything about it until then. She complained about cleaning, things being left in the living room, and visitation. The thing is, I think she is in the wrong and that I have done nothing wrong. She is mad that I won't clean other people's dishes, but I wash mine as soon as I use them, so no one else cleans mine either. She is mad that I leave my books and laptop in the living room, but I am the last person to go to sleep and the first one to wake up. She has to have complete silence and darkness to sleep, and I do all of my work at night. This is why I keep my stuff in the living room. Her biggest complaint was about visitation. A few weeks ago my friends came up to visit. It was their first time coming up, and it is my senior year. I gave everyone in the apartment 2 weeks notice that they were coming up. Emily said she was going home. She stayed. Then at the meeting she complained that the apartment was crowded and she felt like she didn't belong there. However, she is the one that did not speak to my friends or even give a simple "hello." They felt like she was being rude, so they didn't say anything to her the rest of the weekend. The other complaint she had was about my girlfriend coming up. During the meeting she said that she was as uncomfortable with her coming up as I would be if her boyfriend came up (she's dating my ex.) This was news for me, as she was one of the first people I told that I liked girls, and she had always been supportive. I was extremely pissed, especially since my gf was coming up on Wednesday. As soon as the meeting was over, I left and I stayed at a friend's place that night. I could barely breathe or talk or think. On Wednesday my gf came up, and we spent most of the time out of the apartment. I went to Target and bought an air mattress so we could sleep in the living room. Apparently I still pissed off Emily because my gf was napping in my bed while I was doing homework. Thursday night we had another meeting, just the two of us. This talk was more civilized and I had the opportunity to express myself, since at the first one I couldn't speak at all. Emily told me that she had talked to the RA (residents assistant) about moving out. Now she is saying that is is up to me, and she doesn't want me to feel like I'm being kicked out. She thinks that I am the one that should move out, even though I don't feel that I did anything wrong. I am also afraid that if I do move out, I will be stuck in a room with a stranger or a homophobe. I want to be able to have my gf come up and visit. She can't usually come up on the weekends because she is a cop and has a weird schedule, so it isn't likely that she could come up when I have an empty room. I would like to get a single room, but I'm pretty sure they are all taken. My one other option would be to wait until next semester, because my friend has a single and I could probably get her room once she moves out. I need to do something, because my depression has come back. I feel like a prisoner in my own room, and I feel like I can't be happy. There is a constant lull in my mind, and I can also feel the stress taking over my body. I'm always tired and can't sleep because I have so much on my mind. I would never commit suicide, but the thoughts keep popping up in my mind. I just think about what it would be like if I was gone and how sorry people would be, or if they would miss me at all. I just don't know what to do. Talking with Emily was surprisingly civil, but we both realize that things aren't going back to the way they were. I just don't know anymore. I'm at the end of my rope.
First things first - don't consider suicide as an option. I know you don't now, but I know what depression is like - it's all-consuming and erases your better judgement. I'd say, even though it's fairly clear that you are hardly in the wrong here, you should definitely not put off making changes to your situation. Tell Emily that she can't control your living habits, and if she doesn't like it, she can move out, because it doesn't sound like any of your other roommates have a problem with anything that you do.
=/ Well Emily sounds like a jerk and I wouldn't move out, just to spite her, but that may not be in your best interest if you are feeling depressed. I don't know what you should do, but I don't think that she should win and get you out. Sorry, i wish i were more helpful.
If you've laid out your thoughts on the matter (about what the situation really is, when she throws around blame) to her exactly like you have to us, and she still won't listen to reason, then my thought is that you should consider moving out when that single does become available. It might seem like giving up to move out, but if it does that much damage to your well-being, then it seems like the only option. It really sucks to have an unreasonable roommate. I hope either Emily comes to her senses, or you find a better living situation. x.x
I would do what she did, talk to the RA, tell him or her how you're feeling and ask them to help you. It is their job to be there for you when you need help, so they should help when you need the help. Explain to him or her what you told us; that you clean your own stuff, are being respectful of your roommates sleeping, and are being a good roommate.
I agree with Revan. Talking to the RA would be your best bet. And,I too,know about depression. I have clinical depression and am on meds. for it. The idea of suicide enters my mind once in a while,but it's definitely not an option. I think a lot of people think about it,sometimes. But you know what? It's just NOT worth it. Life will go on for those left behind and you'll be dead! So,when you get these feelings,push them out of your mind. If they persist,I'd suggest talking to a therapist. It's your life,sweetie. Don't allow others to make you feel that bad. I wish I could be of more help,but if you need to talk,I'm here for you. I truly understand how you feel. All the best to you. I hope it all works out. You're a senior so you don't have much more time to deal with these issues. Good luck and hang in there.
Emily asked me to let her know my decision. Do you think I should let her know before I talk to an RA (if I end up talking to one), or should I feel things out on my own first? I mean, she did go and talk to one without letting me know.
epiphanies, you've been a respectful roommate, so I suggest taking the higher road and telling Emily you are planning to speak with the RA. Perhaps she will accept talking with you and you can work it out. But if she just is like "oh well I'm going to report you that you're doing this this and that" because she sounds like an immature brat, then I suggest going to the RA. And epiphanies, don't say if you decide to talk to one, if Emily still will give you no "leg room" as I'll put it then go to the RA, you gave Em her chance, now it's time to do what is best for you. Though there is ONE question I have for you: you have other roommates right? How do they feel about you? Do they have any problems like Emily, or are they playing the bystander role, because I'm sure everyone will agree with me that what Emily is doing is called BULLYING. Yes you're in college/university, but the fact is that she is bullying you and practically forcing you out of the apartment you are paying for. She's not paying for your rent, and you have done nothing but been a wonderful roommate by the sounds of it, so talk to your roommates and see what they think about what Emily is doing.
Revan, I have kinda talked to the other roommates, and I have not heard any complains from them. They have been supportive and have not said anything to me. They may be playing the bystander role, but I feel like I am open about people coming to talk to me, and I have had discussions with them before about rooming situations. Yeah, I kinda think that she is bullying, (and I know this is going to sound like the typical victim), but I feel like I brought it on myself. We roomed together last year and I allowed her to do what she wanted, to she got comfortable with pretty much running the room. Now that I have a preference of how the room or apartment should be run, it bothers her. She made the comment that it "worked" last year, so she doesn't understand why our living arrangement doesn't "work" this year.
I think you should sit down and talk to her some more you guys are friends and if you really try I think you can work it out without things getting out of control. If nothing else it will make things more liveable until something better comes along. Just let her know what is not negotiable, such as your girlfriend coming to visit. Then let her know what you are willing to do to work with her and make sure she knows what you are already doing, such as doing your studying in the living room. The main thing is don't let her control your emotions be calm and friendly when your talking, let her know she's not getting to you. My guess is from how you've described her behavior so far she's doing it to control you somewhat. Catching you off guard during the meeting and going to the RA without telling you. Just let her know that things have changed and that the two of you need to work together to find a middle ground.
