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Preemptively coming out to a girl... but I'm not sure how.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Filip, Oct 28, 2009.

  1. Filip

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    It’s been a while since I was last in here asking questions instead of replying to threads, but lately I’ve been finding myself in a bit of a conundrum. I already brought it up in chat, but I keep somehow freezing up over this. So I felt like it might be best to ask some more people’s opinions about this.

    First of all: a small situation sketch:
    I was introduced to a girl at a wedding party I went to a month ago. I was there with friends, but she wasn’t, and so she seemed to be pretty lonely. Since I’m bad at letting people sit lonely in a corner, I danced with her, went to get her a drink at the bar, talked with her etc… And after that I went home, expecting to never hear from her again.
    However, she might have gotten the wrong vibe, and asked the groom (who is one of my best friends, but doesn’t know I’m gay. Though I’ve been planning to, I never got around to telling him) for my number. Which he gave to her (I find giving other people’s numbers kind of rude, but that’s beside the point). So she started texting me.
    I try to be polite, so I always text back, even if it is just short texts, replying with the bare minimum. I already had a hunch this would be a bad idea, but I’m bad at being impolite and ignoring people…

    However, last week, she asked me out to go to a movie and to have drinks, just the two of us. Which sounds suspiciously like a date. I managed to find an excuse not to go However, a few days ago, she asked again. And now she’s taken to sending me texts at night with “sleep well, XXX” and things like that.

    So, my problem:
    If she is interested in me, I’d like to make it clear that I’m not interested in her that way. So that would involve coming out. However, I’d really hate it if this got back to my friend (the groom in the above story). I’d really really like to come out to him in person.

    So I have two options: I could tell her over mail and ask her to keep it quiet until I tell my friend. However, I hate the idea of coming out to people over mail. I like to be able to see how people react in person (I’m a bit of a control freak like that). Also, if I get the situation wrong and she’s just looking for a friend to talk to, making a whole show about coming out would make me look like a fool. So I’m also wondering whether I’m not just overanalyzing again.

    On the other hand, I could go on this “date” (first possible time would be in a month or so, though), and tell her there. But then I’d feel like I lured her on a date, getting her hopes up, only to drop the bomb there. Which might lead to an extremely awkward evening…

    Basically, every time I almost decide on either option, I start to think I’d better do the other thing instead. Maybe part of what’s keeping me back is that by now I’m getting used to coming out to people I know, but I’m unsure how to do so to people I don’t know all that well.
    So I’m putting the question out there. How would you guys and girls handle this? Or how do you think straight girls like to hear the news that their crush is gay? Any thoughts would be much appreciated…
     
  2. GoBabyGoGo

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    Ok, well, by the sounds of it, the sooner you tell her the better, so as not to lead her on at all.

    Have you considered ringing her up and talking to her in person rather than by mail? That way its a little bit more personal and you can gauge her reaction a little better.

    Im sure too, she will respect that you want to tell the groom yourself in your own time.

    Or, you dont have to tell her youre gay. But it really would be 'nicer' and 'easier' if you could explain yourself truthfully. Im all for telling people anything in a direct and straightforward way.

    You could make it very clear that you just want to be friends by mail and then explain things if you meet her in person. I think if you got on well with her before, going out on this 'date' thing wouldnt be awkward at all, even after you tell her. You could have a good chat and become better friends. :grin:

    Make sure though, if you go to a movie, you get a chance to explain things before the movie starts :wink:
     
  3. silverhalo

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    If you have been meaning to tell your friend (the groom) as well then is it possible you could come out to him before you tell this girl therefore saving the need for her to keep it a secret but also being totally honest. Its just a thought and I know coming out is not neccessarily that easy.
    Another option would be to make it clear to her that you are not interested in anything other than friendship from her, its not a lie it just doesnt divulge all information, you could just tell you that you would really like to keep her as a friend but nothing more and then if she wants you can still go out to the movie and that with her.
     
  4. shorty

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    Yup, agree with the above. I guess your only real options without just fobbing her off and being mean is to either try and just gently let her know you just want to be friends, confide in her that you have been meaning to tell your friend and to please keep it to herself for now (tricky as to how she will respond) or tell your friend first and then let the girl also know, and maybe make a great new friendship. I suppose its quite possible that she does want to just be friends though, but I agree from what you have written, it sounds like she might want to get a little more intimate!

    I hate it when I find a girl I like and then all of a sudden it feels like she wants to take it a step further and then I always have to try and think of ways to cool it off a bit, even though it usually makes me feel like it hurts the potential friendship. Hard being on either side of a non-reciprocated crush I guess. :frowning2:
     
  5. Gaetan

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    I would give her a call, Filip. It's not face to face, which I do agree is better, but in this situation calling would probably be best. That way, if she does become horribly offended, you didn't waste hers and your time by meeting up. Apologize for leading her on, which she will probably feel you have done, and tell her the reasons you didn't come out earlier.

    And, I'd still offer to go out to dinner and a movie. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    As for the groom, I would ask her to respectfully not say anything to him. Is he back yet? Because you really should come out to him, in person, as soon as possible.
     
  6. Alex19

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    just tell her that u wanna b friends cause ur not in a position to b dating anyone. and prolly wont b for a while. if u dont ever see her, theres nothing to worry about. if u do, then just tell her u like boys. im sure she'll get over it... i mean, not like she has any other choice. and as for u being scared for her tellin her friend, tell him first. if ur ready to tell him
     
  7. Darkwing65

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    You don't really have to tell her your gay. Just let her know your not interested in dating.
     
  8. Filip

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    Well, thanks for all the responses so far, guys! (though I still welcome any further comments, obviously).

    I’ve been thinking that posting this on here made me realise what my biggest problem is. If anyone shows any interest in me, I immediately feel a massive obligation to return the interest. Telling someone “sorry, just not interested” is something that seems to go against the core of all of my social hang-ups, apparently.

    The more I’m thinking about it, the more I’m becoming convinced that letting this fester until I could ever see her face-to-face will be a bad idea. So I think I’ll better get working on a mail that explains it all. If I write it really well, I can probably tell her and buy me some time to tell my friend. Only real risk I take is looking a bit foolish if she really just meant going on a social date, instead of a romantic date (Dutch lacks any distinction between the two, so that one’s really hard to gauge just from a text). On the other hand, it probably makes sense to be out to new friends I meet right from the start anyway…

    The problem I have with just telling her “I’m not interested in dating” is that I have even less of an idea how to do that than how to tell her I’m gay, as strange as it may sound. Also, if she would ask me why or would start insisting I just give it a try, I’d feel obliged to tell her the truth anyway.


    Calling on the phone would be a problem. I never call people. I talk to people in real life, and I text or send e-mails. The only people I ever phone are my mom and my grandparents. I think it’s the lack of knowing whether or not I’m disturbing people by calling them that throws me off.

    I agree I really should tell my friend ASAP. He’s back from his honeymoon, I know that much, but we haven’t been in contact. I have been meaning to schedule a meet-up with him (I’ve known the guy for longer than I know my own brother, so I really feel like I have no other option than to tell him face-to-face). But I doubt if we could get together before December…

    If she’s still up for it, I would go with her to a movie and have drinks, definitely. We do seem to have quite a few interests in common anyway.

    Lol, I’ve already thought about horror scenarios like that. Maybe one more reason to try and do it ahead of time to avoid the risk of me freezing up and then spending the evening in the cinema afraid and huddled in the corner of my chair :eek:
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Perhaps you dont have risk the embarresment of being wrong about her being interested in you, I mean if you just write your mail saying I enjoyed getting to know you at the wedding but before I see you again there is something I want to tell you, and then tell her about being gay, then if she just meant at date as in friends then it will just come across like you wanted to tell her before the friendship developed incase of her reaction.
     
  10. BasketCase

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    That sounds like a good suggestion to me. The right balance between being honest and being tactful about it not being a romantic date.
     
  11. LorenzG1950

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    The real hangup seems to be the groom. Arrange to meet him before December. Then you can be honest with the girl. Dragging this out for a month or so is not going to make it better for any of you. Dodging the issue might cause you to lose what could become a good friend. Look at how much thought you're putting into it. She might really be getting her hopes up and will be all the more disappointed the longer you wait.
     
  12. Filip

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    Meeting the guy before halfway December is impossible, unfortunately. Both of us need to travel around in November, so we won't be in the same vicinity in a timely fashion.

    I really like that idea! It allows us both to save our face, and get that stuff out of the way with. There is still the risk that this somehow finds its way back to my friend, but probably there isn’t a whole lot I can do to eliminate that risk…

    So, let me try to phrase that:

    That might just work. I told her, she knows, she hopefully will keep it quiet, and it buys me time to tell it to my friend when I can do it properly. I might need to mull it over for a day or so to get it precisely right, but what do you guys think?
     
  13. Gaetan

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    I think it sounds great. :grin:
     
  14. LorenzG1950

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    Sounds like a good solution :thumbsup: You'll be showing lots of trust in her which almost always results in a positive reaction. Good luck! :icon_bigg
     
  15. Filip

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    Time for: an after action report! After the advice you guys gave me, it would seem proper to come back to you with the results.

    I did write her that e-mail (slightly modified, and in Dutch, but the gist of it was the same). And then… nothing. Five days of utter radio silence.
    The strange thing there was basically that I didn’t really feel all that panicky about the silence. I mostly felt relief I did finally come out with the truth, and a slight feeling of guilt that she might be feeling hurt.

    However, yesterday she did write back. A short but honest mail, saying that it was quite a disappointment, but that if she looked back over the last few mails, it did put things into perspective.
    Also, it seems she has been in contact with my friend through all of this, and he really thought I was just being my overly shy self. So he did push her quite a bit into pursuing a date. For now she just told him we talked more thoroughly and that I wasn’t really interested in a girlfriend (technically not a lie :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:).

    I sent her an e-mail back to send my thanks for her understanding (and not telling my friend) and she replied right away. And we’re still planning on getting a meeting going, even though it won’t be a romantic date.

    So all in all a complete success. For which I owe you guys a lot of thanks!

    Conclusion after this week would be that I need to come out to people sooner after first meeting them. Also, I really need to just come out to all my friends as soon as possible, and not wait for “the perfect moment” It would save me from situations like these, and if they ever want to hook me up with anyone, they’ll know what my target audience is :icon_wink
     
  16. Jim1454

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    That's great Filip! Good job with a rather awkward situation.