Hi everyone, Can anyone offer some advice? I just joined this forum today and I've got a dilemma that has been bothering me for years. I think i'm probably a lesbian, and i've slept with women, but I can't bring myself to be open about it. I've never had a proper relationship with a man or a woman, and I'm too closeted to try the latter. I don't like gay bars, and i'm wary of using the internet to find dates, so I don't know many gay women. The few that I do I pretend to be straight around! I'm nearly 22 now, and I feel like i'm missing out on something big, but I just don't have the courage to seek a girlfriend. If anyone has any kind or helpful words i'd be really grateful. Thanks
Come out? Thats about all the advice i can give you. You have slept with women, presumably enjoyed it or you would not be here, and you know other gay women? What is stopping you from coming out? Why do you feel the need to experiment in the closet if you clearly know your bi or a lesbian yourself? I guess something else you didn't mention must be holding you back? Maybe try and play your hetero card and date a few men. See if your also physically and emotionally attracted to men. If you check "yes" for both, your Bisexual. If you check "no" for one or both, your Lesbian. If you just cant figure it out, thats ok! Dont label yourself. You still have to be open about your feelings however, even if they dont have a label. I would personally address the coming out part before you start to date or sleep with (more) women. You dont want to be a closeted homosexual having homosexual relations because that will wreak so many parts of your life through self-hate, lieing, and stress. Coming out is really, really important. Dont shy away from it.
Well first I shall say welcome to EC and that you have found a really great place for advice. I think its great that you have been exploring your feelings towards women but I can sympathise that it is very difficult to be open and honest with other people about them even if you know the feelings are true and that the other people wouldnt have a problem with it. I agree with Greggers in that if you want to experiment/date more girls then it would be best if you were at least out to some people as dating secretly in the closet is not the best although some people do do it. My advice would be to hang around here for a while and try to become totally comfortable with your feelings towards women and then to try and come out to/confide in at least one friend who can then help and support you together with everyone here. Then from there you could try and find a LGBT group or something in the area perhaps that has social events so its not just a gay bar but you get to meet other like minded people. If you say you have other gay friends perhaps you might meet someone whilst socialising with them. Are you still at college? There are lots of different people here with experience of just about everything so chat to lots of different people and im sure between us you will find the answers.
Firstly, thanks very much for the replies. I'm at university and living with 2 other girls. I worry for a start that coming out will alienate me from one of them, who (according to the other flattie) probably wouldn't be that comfortable with it. Dating women terrifies me for other reasons. My relationships with men have always failed, and I'm not sure whether that is becuase I have intimacy issues, i'm completelly gay and barking up the wrong tree, or a mixture of the two. The latter appeals to me more, only becuase then there's hope that all will be resolved if I try dating a woman. Therein lies the issue though. I don't know how to go about finding a woman. I'd be mortified if any of my gay friends saw me at a gay bar becuase i'd be embarrased for not being open about my sexuality, and equally mortified if my straight friends found out I was experimenting with women. I could ask to go to a gay bar with a friend, but I find the idea of being 22 and stumbling over my sexuality pretty embarrasing.
Why not come out to your gay friends then? Trust me, they will all understand. Dont worry about them being mad you didnt tell them sooner, they will just be happy you told them. It gives you a support group, friends that know the business, and takes a huge weight off your shoulders. Just add in you dont want to come out to your flat mates yet.
I'm 21 and had my FIRST DATE EVER two days ago. Try that one on for size. As he often is, Greggers is totally correct. You should deal with being out before your experiment more. Edit:Oops, forgot a hug; this is definitely a hug situation: (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
Ok I can 100% relate to finding it embarressing that you are 22 and think you might be gay or bi or curious, let me say I am 27 and up until I was about 24 I 100% believed I was totally straight, I was always accepting of LGBT people but never considered I might be gay. When I was 24 I guess a few doubts crept into my head but I dismissed them but gradually they grew stronger and stronger, I did absolutely nothing about it until I was 26 and I joined EC and then sometime later came out to a friend so I can totally understand where you are coming from but if you want to experiement with girls then the chances are they are going to find out eventually but I think you will know when it feels right to come out to people and I think you have to reach a level of comfort with in yourself first. It doesnt have to be your flatmates you come out to can be anyone. Does your univesity have a gay straight alliance group type thing maybe you could join that?
Thanks for the hug. I think my University has plenty of LGBT groups, but i'm nervous about being associated with any of it incase anyone I know is involved. It's the same self-consciousness that keeps me a distance of at least a mile from gay bars! Congratulations on your date, ethelred. May your love life be fruitful forever more! The first thing I said is actually a bit of a lie. I wandered around the gay district one night, and tried to feel comfortable enough to maybe wander into one of the bars. I concede that I proabably picked a bad time. Saturday night in Glasgow is not place to find love or a comforting squeeze of the hand, and I legged it before I got the chance to pluck up the courage. I think I find the idea of identifying as a lesbian quite unappealing. I don't really like identifying as anything, i'm just a bit lonely is all. There obviously is a distinctive gay culture, and of course it is one's preference as to how much they identify with it, but it does intimidate me a little. Is it possible to just wander into a gay bar during the day and get chatting to someone? I'm also concerned about dating an out woman. Surely she would be offended that i'm using her as a litmus test for my sexuality. I don't want to hurt anyone, and from my track record that seems to be all I have done in the past.
You're welcome and thanks. I am pretty sure the words 'wandering,' 'Glasgow,' and 'Saturday Night' should never be in the same sentence. :icon_wink Correct me if I'm wrong, but I am also pretty sure that that is the point of a gay bar.
Hi there and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. Just hang around here for a while and get comfortable with identifying as lesbian. It will happen. Most of us had the same issues when we started to accept we were gay. And by the way - I was in my mid 30s when that finally happened. I'd been married for a few years and had 2 kids, so you're best to figure this out now rather than later. At the same time, I hadn't had any kind of sexual relations with anyone until I was 25 - so you're not doing all that bad. You'll find that's the case with many of us here. So don't be too hard on yourself. Again - welcome. You'll get more and more comfortable with yourself as you come to know some of us more and see us as pretty incredible people - even though we're GAY! :icon_wink
Haha, Glasgow is an incredible city to wander around in. My error was to do this alone and on a saturday night. You will occasionally stop to ponder whether what you have stepped in is phlegm or semen. The mysteries of Sauchiehall Street... Ok gay bars: yes they are for meeting people in, but they're terrifying! Bad music, bad taste, and usually full of lairy drunks screaming and flailing about. Maybe I should get a job in one? You don't have to be technically gay to work in one. By techncally I obviously mean 'outed'. I'm not technically anything except confused. I'll definitely be hanging around here, it's good craic.
I'm comforted by your late coming out stories. Obviously I sympathise that it took so long, ut at least I don't feel so moronic now. I can imagine it's so much harder for someone married with kids to come out.
I completely understand where your coming from. I am 23 and have just come to terms with who I am and am petrified to come out mainly because I have been in a hetero relationship for 5 years. I have found comfort in telling my 3 best friends that I am bi. I know thats a lie but it helped. My gay friend thinks that I am fully gay, and I am pretty sure that the others I have told feel the same way since we are all really good friends and I know that they have talked about it. But I really didnt know how much my friends cared until I told them and we have never been closer. Im sure you will feel the same way, and as far as your room mate goes if she is really your friend she will accept you no matter what. Good Luck and welcome to EC!
