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Relationship Issues

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SailingKoala, Oct 29, 2009.

  1. SailingKoala

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    Ok - Firstly sorry if this keeps going over old ground - but really have no where else to go, to get any advice or an outside opinion. I already know what my best friend would say without asking him again and that would be get out of the relationship and move on.

    So anyway just been back home for 3 days after spending 10 days with my BF. In that 10 days I would say although we have been happy and relaxed with each other a tension has built up between us. Firstly sex life has dramatically reduced between us - second he always is having little digs at me - hates that i like going online (and onto this site/ any support site), If a friend on facebook pops up and chats to me he has to ask who it is and always suggests that i am not telling the truth about what type of friendship i had - he hasn't meet any of my friends due to them living in different cities or in most cases different countries. Other little mannerisms and things you notice between 2 people when close have happened that are hard to describe... So much so I have also felt myself change towards him...

    Anyway tonight just been Chatting on MSN and he say we need to talk this weekend when I go over.... So I agree and say ok lets not talk now, but lets mention some topics.... I make an excuse like i am of to the loo, you start with your topics for discussion.. I get back after a couple of minutes to find nothing and him expecting me to start.... So Topics I put

    1) Sex Life
    2) Me being made to always feel in the wrong - Example of going first in topics so you can then say I am wrong and upset if I mention something your not happy with...

    I then left it to him to state some

    straight of he said 2 don't agree with, 1 yes need to discuss
    his number 2 was where are we heading..... ok useful to discuss

    so I said ok lets not discuss over msn lets just put topics...
    1) sex life
    2) future

    before i put 3 he came up with ...agendas....

    Implying basically that I had an agenda - walking to my own beat as it were (Although his meaning was a more sinister suggestion)

    So that mention of agendas made me put my third topic of trust into the mix as he never seems to want to trust me - always coming up with the worst outcome or thought first, then thinking a simple sorry corrects everything...

    I have had several nights where he has suggested I have done something after he has had a few drinks and then expects a drunk sorry to work and it is totally forgotten again the next day.... What is the saying "never a truer word spoken when drunk" - sometimes I feel his real feelings about me come out when he has had a drink or 2 and that is :***:

    Anyway think I have said enough.... any words of wisdom.... pointers etc etc

    The hard thing will be keeping calm in the chat tomorrow as i can feel tears just thinking about what i need to say and his reactions and me thinking of what he wants to say..
    :confused:
     
  2. Jim1454

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    I can't remember what song that's from, but it's SO true. In a healthy relationship, you need to be able to talk about the things that are bothering you right then and there. If the sex wasn't good, say so - in a healthy and constructive way. If your boyfriend says something that doesn't sit well with you, you need to tell him how it makes you feel when he says that. Don't cary it around with you.

    What I can tell you is that my boyfriend and I have a pretty amazing relationship. We make each other feel good - virtually ALL the time. And when for some reason we don't, we talk about it.
     
  3. s5m1

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    For any relationship to work, a couple needs to be able to constructively discuss any topic, without being judgmental, defensive or invalidating the feelings of each other. Unless there is good communication, I believe a relationship cannot survive. It sounds like you have a fundamental problem with communication in your relationship. If your partner cannot or will not acknowledge your feelings and concerns and try to understand your perspective, you may want to consider whether the relationship is worth the pain. If he won't constructively discuss the communications issues with you, perhaps he will agree to attend couples therapy with you. This is one of the central areas that couples therapy addresses. Good luck and please let us know how your discussion goes.
     
  4. 71390S

    71390S Guest

    ^ Greeeat advice posted in here already.

    The first thing that popped into my head was that your bf is not in a healthy place, and is emotionally abusive even if he doesn't "mean" to be. I am sorry your situation is stressing/hurting you :frowning2:
     
  5. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    All I can really say is that you both need to be 100% honest. No matter what, you need to tell him exactly how you feel and why. That is not saying you need to be rude, or short-but you shouldn't not say something because you fear his reaction. Also, be sure and listen to what he is saying and really try to understand that he may have some good points. Don't be so defensive that you have to have a response to every negative thing he says. Let him finish, and even if you don't agree, try to understand. Ask him to do the same for you.

    Honestly, my boyfriend and I just had a fight (small and insignificant, but still rather explosive :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:), and it would have ended much sooner if we had started off by listening to each other instead of being defensive.
     
  6. SailingKoala

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    cheers guys, advice so far has helped me think about how i need to handle the conversation and how i cant let my emotions beat me to be defensive or not say what i really need to, just in case it hurts him. What it hasn't told me and i can only workout myself is if it is worth it... we have been back online with each other again tonight and to say the conversation was strained is an underestimate - normally i find it easier to speak online as i can control emotions better then but as we both decide no discussion until face to face then no miss understandings can take place ( no hiding sarcasm..etc etc) then I felt I had nothing really to say - and he doesn't ever seem to like leading the conversations when online... so we had lots of moment of silence(no typing) + within the first 2 minutes of being online he decided he needed water then a couple of minutes later a cigarette so the convo stopped.... i really dunno anymore i don't wanna loose him, but I am not sure if being with him is doing me or him any good
     
  7. s5m1

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    Are you sure that having these discussions online is the best way to approach it? Do you think that feelings of intimacy may get lost through the internet?
     
  8. SailingKoala

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    that's why we didn't discuss more than topics... but we tried to chat like normal.....

    Quote from above

    "normally i find it easier to speak online as i can control emotions better then but as we both decide no discussion until face to face then no miss understandings can take place ( no hiding sarcasm..etc etc) then I felt I had nothing really to say"

    It will be a face to face discussion