Advice Needed

Well, after having typed this about 2 months agao and leaving it sit in my documents folder, I'm finally going to post it. With all that's been happening, I'm in desperate need of advice or guidance. Thanks in advance for anything you can give me.

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I don’t really know how long I’ve felt gay feelings; I can remember several childhood incidents of homosexual encounters, such as enjoying being with my naked male friends, etc. etc.

I’ve been closeted for God knows how long. I lied to myself constantly; when I hit the beginning of the teens and my hormones kicked in, I of course looked at some naughty pictures. But after discovering a site containing bi and gay pictures, I clicked it.

“Ewww….that’s disgusting. It’s so wrong!” But I couldn’t help myself, I kept coming back, looking at those pictures. Even while I did this, I rallied against homosexuals rights to marry. Ironic, no? So I stayed in a land of blissful ignorance, not putting 2 and 2 together for a long time. It was while I had a girlfriend that I noticed it. I suddenly realized I had homosexual attractions. I slowly broke it off with her, and over the summer swore I’d beat it, it wasn’t me, I was just experimenting, and that I just needed time to overcome it. Slowly that notion disappeared (though I clung to the belief I wasn’t gay) and I slowly pushed it from my mind.

I guess it was when I met Zen, an online friend of mine, that the wheels started turning, for better or worse. See, he's bisexual, and very open about it. He'll often talk about fantasizing about some guys (though mostly, he's into girls). At first, I felt a twang of my heartstrings every time I talked to him. My stomach would knot up, and I would feel jittery. What was this feeling? Dare say...have I fallen for him? And then, as though by some magical force, my eyes were opened, and I realized just how gay I probably was. I looked at naughty images concerning two males, I found little interest in girls, and I fantasized about guy more than girls, felt attractions for guys and not girls. Add into the fact that around this same time, my best friend, Aqua, whom I'd just met, I thought I fell for her too, as I experienced the same feelings I described above. So now I was going nuts. What was wrong with me?

These feelings have since subsided into the land of nothingness, leaving me wondering if it was merely friendship regarded as something more than it was. Either way, the key had been turned, and now, it was as though everything I knew had been turned upside down. Suddenly, the faith I was brought up in labeled me as "evil" and "sinful". The political party I once proudly said I supported rallied against me, and the rights i would eventually want as I grew older. Everything I had believed in was now turned against me. I don't think words can, or ever will, describe this pain. It's like having your still-beating heart ripped from you, but not having the ability to die, instead lying there in agony.

What exemplified these feelings was probably that besides Zen, I knew no gay or lesbian people near me that I could trust. I felt alone, isolated, cut off from everyone else. I had nobody to turn to for advice or help, guidance that I sorely needed. I was alone, stranded within the darkness.

During this time, I felt increasingly moody and snappish. It was because of gut wrenching experiences, like seeing heterosexual couples cuddle in the seat in front you, and wanting to just curl up and die when you realize, "I can never be like that with a woman, and no one will accept me for wanting to be like that with another man." Hearing people around me, all of my male friends, talking constantly about which girls were hot, and trying my hardest to joke but slowly dying on the inside, feeling the happiness and optimism inside of me whither away.

(A small tangent for a question in this paragraph; if you just want what happens next, skip this, but otherwise, please read it and give me some advice. :help: ) Another little question for anyone willing to give advice (having submitted them through reading a novella >.>), but I'm not sure if many know the answer to. Is it possible, that keeping something like this inside of you can fundamentally change your personality? Years ago... it seems eons, lifetimes ago, before any of this started, when I was "straight," I was probably one of the most happy-go-lucky people you'd ever meet. Always cheerful, always smiling, always trying to make new friends. Now is a different story altogether. I've become quite cynical, quite bitter, resentful. I used to become sick (I mean it, sick) when I saw even the smallest forms of blood in games or movies, but now... now I... almost revel in it. For anyone that's played Silent Hill (the game so graphics and disturbing it's made grown men cry) I just shrug off some of the most gruesome sights of the game. Someone's splattered body? Meh. A rotting, bloody corpse strung onto a fence, as though it were on a cross? No problem. Not to mention I've fallen in love with the color black and gothy things. I look down at my shirts that have brighter colors and think, "this isn't me." So, is this a result of keeping everything inside of me, letting it eat away at me, or is this a part of my personality that's just never been seen before?

So now I was getting substantially darker in thought, and still had no place to vent. Now what? And then, one day, I found this site. I don't remember where, or how, but I bookmarked it inside of my head. I visited it on and off for a few months, almost crying at seeing that there were actually other people like me, going through what I was going through, in whole or in part. But I couldn't bring myself to register. It would be like admitting everything, and part of me still clings to the belief that maybe, just maybe, I'm straight, but just went in over my head when I began experimenting. SO I put it off.

While all of this was happening, I found another forum, a roleplaying forum. Many of the roleplays involved the characters having sex (I know what you're thinking, 'OMG CYBER SEX!!1!' but please, just read on.) I found there was a board where gay characters could do this, so...after debating it mentally for several weeks, I joined. I was fucking nervous, let me say that much. But I met some incredibly nice people there; and believe it or not, there are actually many, many real life virgins on that board, who aren't sex-crazed perverts. They're people like me. You see, the whole reason why I joined was that I wanted to explore my sexuality further, but be safe; I wasn't and still am not, willing to have sex. Not until I've found someone I know I'll create a long and enduring relationship with. But, besides the point. I met a few people there, we're friends now, and I did just that. After partaking in a few role-plays, and seeing how much more it aroused me than any other type, I slowly came to about 90% acceptance, 10% denial that I was homosexual. (I still hover at about there, or slightly more to the homosexual side) One of them, I started feeling that same rush whenever they came online, that same twang of the heartstrings. Only it felt more pronounced. It was like that for a long time, until I read in their LJ that they'd begun seeing someone. My heart just sort of withered away, and the spark I felt died, because it had seemed lasting. Only it didn't.

Now, this person's one of the nicest, most caring people ever. And...he asked me out. I never said 'yes', for the record, and to this day have said nothing in the way of an answer. Did he care I lied about my age? No, he said he understood the pressure that teenagers feel to prove themselves without having an adult discriminate based on age (he's 18, by the way). Did he care I had told no one? No, he said he would wait, and that he would not rush me to do something I wasn't comfortable with.

Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. "OMG PEDOPHILE FREAK FROM THE INTERNET!!1!" and I won't rule it out, no matter how nice he is, that it's possible. But...the feelings I said had died for him have begun slowly (slowly, mind you) resurfacing, in that I might be able to go out with him if he wanted. But... I ran away. I posted on my LJ that I was taking a break from talking with my friends and I, in a sense, stopped talking to him and several others from that board. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure he would still talk to me if I started a conversation with him, since he's respecting my need for distance, but I ran away from everything. I didn't want to have to cope with the pressure of anything anymore. I started hinting to my friends (particularly Aqua and Zen) that I was having problems...problems that were starting to wear me down. They wanted to help, and said no matter what it was, they'd help me get through it. But I couldn't bring myself to tell them. It was too much. So, after several lengthy discussions, I pretended talking had helped and left it at that, and to this day, they have spoken little of it, and I do likewise.

Now, at about this time, I met two other people online. One, who will also remain anonymous (let’s call him Guy B) and more recently, another (Guy C). With Guy B, I felt the same sort of rush, but much less pronounced; looking back, I guess you could call it a crush. But, it scared me to be feeling all of these crushes and feeling at once, so I broke off contact (though we’re still amiable on the message board). Then Guy C comes along. Yay, heartbreak! Basically, I started roleplaying with this guy, and the roleplay got very…personal? We ended up writing our characters so that it was more than just kind of mindless drivel, but the characters felt a huge click between them and realized they’d met their soulmates. Now, he and I talk (although we’re both shy, so not a lot) but I started feeling a sense of love towards him. Whether he feels it too is most questionable, I don’t have the slightest clue. But I must know, I keep thinking about him, I can’t get him out of my thoughts. Is it love? A heightened friendship? Or perhaps living vicariously through my roleplay character, wishing him to be that “soulmate”? I can’t answer that question, and it tears me to pieces. Now I feel affection towards two people. Yay, ain’t life grand?

So, that’s the gist of what’s been happening to me. Throw in the usual “family of homophobes” story and a few “friends reactions to coming out are questionable” in there and you have a pretty good view of what’s been bothering me.

If anyone can give me advice or guidance, you have no idea just how much it would mean to me. I never wanted to post this, hoping I could cope with everything on my own. But I’ve realized, you can’t come out, or work through the coming out process, without the help of friends. So I turn to you all.

PS: I added this as a last note because I didn’t know where else to put it.

Is it possible all of these feelings, all that I’ve gone through for the past three years, could’ve been caused by a bad relationship? Let me explain.

My first (and only) girlfriend and I, we liked each other as friends, and after awhile, we just started dating each other. So, we did, and after awhile, of course, she asked me to kiss her. But I stalled; it didn’t feel right. So a few more weeks go by, and she asks again. This time, I plunge in and kiss for a good ten to twenty seconds, and after I pull away, I don’t feel overjoyed like her. I feel empty, depressed, sick to my stomach. I tried not to think about it, since we enjoyed each other company, giving hugs, etc. But during another date a few weeks later, we kiss again. Again, afterwards, I feel this horrible feeling in my stomach, that emptiness. I wonder now if it was shame? But anyways, at this point, I’m going, “OK, this isn’t right. Why don’t I enjoy it?” But instead of simply being content with, “wrong girl” my mind landed on the answer “I don’t like girls, maybe?” So my question is, could my feelings for guys simply be the after effects of a relationship that was never meant to be more than a friendship? Or are these feelings genuine? I don’t know anymore; everything seems like a lie. If anyone knows how to help me, or can give me a few shreds of advice, you have no idea what it would mean to me. I am to the point of tears as I write this because I, at the same time, both don’t want to think that all this pain was over nothing, and, as strange as it sounds, I’d prefer to be gay now, even if I have a hard time accepting it. It’d feel…weird to go back, you know?

Anyways, I’m being long-winded and thoroughly confusing. If you can make sense out of any of this, please, I beg of you. Help. Thank you.

PPS: (Why do I keep adding on to this?) Things are getting more painful everyday. Guy A met someone else and they hung out together, cuddling, kissing, hugging, etc. He described it all on his LJ, ending with the tagline “love high” to describe his happiness. Each word was like a stab to my heart. I thought I didn’t like him anymore, that I could just move on, but now I’m not sure. Meanwhile the distance grows between us; I haven’t talked to him in awhile, and every time he logs in, my stomach ties itself into knots, and I can’t bring myself to talk to him, to open a conversation, and every time he logs off, I kick myself. And the more I read about Guy C in his blogs, and talk to him and roleplay, the deeper the feelings for him become, despite my knowledge I shouldn’t give it any serious thoughts. With all of this inside of me, I constantly feel on the verge of tears, loneliness biting into my heart. What can I do? What should I do?

 

Yeah, one of my worst habits is thinking too broadly, focusing on the future instead of the here and now. It's a bad habit for life (but a good one too, for other things) that I picked up when I started writing. I'll try, but it's so hard for me to concentrate on just one without the others slowly weaving their way into my thought processes.

I'm slowly realizing asking "Why" doesn't do anything, but being in the closet, it's always hard to shake that small, nagging thought that asks "What if I could change?" I guess it's something I'll have to learn to ignore.

Yeah, it's always nice to know people have gone through the same thing as you. It's kind of spooky because my friend recently said the same thing to me when I told him that, when he asked me why I didn't really hang out with him much anymore, and explaining I just was changing and such, he said that I'd have to come to accept the changes before I could keep going, but more on that later.

Yeqah, I suppose I am. I'll have to think on this a bit more.

That's a pretty good summary of one of my biggest fears and frustrations, actually. I realize that I may not be getting the whole picture, or that my lonliness is causing these feelings. But it's so hard to ignore what I feel at the same time, because it does feel real. I geuss what seems a likely answer is to (assuming I continue feeling this way for a prolonged period of time), one day, with a friend or two, meet him and then see how things go from there.

Yeah. It's especially nice knowing that a good protion of my closest friends wouldn't really care at all. It would just be one more thing about me and that's that, especially since one, for awhile, thought I couldn't possibly be that nice and be straight. And yet, knowing that, something continually holds me back. I geuss I'll have to soulsearch until I find out why I can't come to terms with this, even with the support I know I'd probably have from my friends.

 

Thanks for the kind words, it comes as a relief after having to survive a bus trip full of idiots using the word "faggot" as an insult. Anyways, I suppose that's pretty much true, but there's still quite a bit about myself I guess I have yet to discover.

One thing I realized the other day was soemthing rather odd. I found out our school had a GSA "on the down low" because it couldn't be approved by the school board. I went to a meeting, under the guise of being straight, and the entire time, I felt extremely uncomfortable, like there was a huge spotlight on me and everyone could just see right through me, right through the meticulously crafted facade that seems to be crumbling every passing day. With feeling so out of place among people like me, I kept asking myself on the ride home that day whether I would ever feel like I belong to "the community". I have yet to find my answer. :eusa_eh:

 

Just a bit of an update to anyone that cares.

Depression's been hitting harder and harder, and my grades are steadily declining. I feel like I'm withering away into nothingness. But the thought of telling someone makes me feel like I'm about to vomit and often triggers a burst of tears.

I'm probably go to go in and get counseling sometime soon because I don't think I'll be able to recover from this by myself anymore, even if I do come out. So many other psychological problems have become worse that it's now inevitable.

Anyways, that's a tiny little update.