I'm male, just over 21, and not in a relationship at the moment. No, I'm not trying to start one here, just setting the background. So, I've dated plenty of girls throughout my highschool and college years. Still haven't had sex yet for one reason or another, whether it's fear of getting too personal, or my girlfriend refusing until marriage. I've never had trouble with that, sex isn't something that I wanna push. My point here is that I've always considered myself straight, I like women, and the idea of having a physical relationship with another guy doesn't sit well with me. Then there's my troubling exception. Throughout my dating life, I've kept in contact with a friend online. We've corresponded and played various online games, whether it's World of Warcrack, City of Villains, second life, or whatever. We've been good friends for about 7 years now, about a third of my life, although thanks to the world being so damn big, we've been geographically limited to online interaction. Anyway, for the first year and a half, because of the wonders of internet anonymity and his quite amazing voice tricks, I was convinced that my friend was a girl. He came out and explained, somewhere during the 2nd year, that he was male, but... I'm not sure how I should explain this... he feels like he should have been a woman, and when he can afford to get the operation, will likely look into getting a sex change. Now, alot of his other friends shot him down for decieving them for so long, angry that he lied to them. He was just afraid of said rejection, and by playing online, he could express the personality he wanted to be able to express in reality. I accepted him, and we've been very close friends since. I don't think I've ever met someone else who actually relates and gets along with me as well as he does, and I think the only other person who really knows me well enough is a girl I dated for three years. We've talked about this, and the feeling is completely mutual. If we were anywhere near one another, we'd probably be dating... I don't know what I should do about my predicament. Firstly, I've never considered dating another guy before. My parents wouldn't be broken if I came out, I wouldn't be the first in my family to come out... But I don't know. I've always denied it before when my parents ask if there's "something they should know about.." usually after making a joke or something. I feel like I'm expected to the straight child. I know my parents wouldn't approve of my online buddy. Secondly, because the cost of the distance problem, it seems like too much to risk if I were to see how far this relationship might play out. There are very few guys I'd "be gay for," but honestly speaking, after corresponding in text, talking on voicechats, hanging out on games together, and sitting through a sea of eachother's problems (parent deaths, abandonment issues, and girlfriend problems on both our ends), I think we're much more compatible than many of the engaged couples that I know. I'm not sure which way to step here... Any advice would be helpful.
You certainly sound like you're emotionally attached, but do you think you could have a sexual relationship with another guy? Oh, and welcome!
having an emotional connection with another man does not make you gay. nor would making love with one. I'm not presuming to tell you what your own orientation is, but you can be attracted to this person and still be straight, bi, or gay in my opinion. Your orientation is your own to decide, and i think it would be wise to realise that having an attraction for one guy doesn't profoundly change who you are as a person. You may end up realising you are straight, gay, or bi. When it comes to the geographic problem, how far are we talking? I have a similar story to you, i'm pretty outrageously smitten with a girl from the USA that i have known for 7 years now. If it's that good, and you get along so well on an emotional and intellectual level, in my opinion it's worth exploring. One of the worst mistakes i've ever made was about 4 years ago when i completely cut off talking to this girl i just mentioned, and decided i was stupid and naive to think i could have an actual real emotional connection with someone i only knew through the internet. I hooked up with a girl in real life, decided i couldn't keep talking to the net girl while making an honest effort with the real life girl, and just.... went awol, convincing myself i had just been juvenile and silly to let myself get so involved in the first place. We lost contact for a long time. I'm glad she tracked me down again. It was only recently i decided enough was enough, so i'm going to apply for a 6 month to 1 year green card, meet up with this girl so we can give it a try. Not running away again, that's for sure.
Both still in the US, but from opposite sides of it. I understand a bit of that Pseudojim. That's why the only thing i could think of to describe this as was an exception. As far as Shorty's reply, I don't think getting to various bases with the online friend would be as big of an issue as the impact initiating the relationship would be. Like the saying goes, it's not the fall that'll kill you, it's landing. If I start it, I'd have to explain to parents and friends and the like, and throw open the doors of chaos...
so don't tell them until you are ready? if you want to start something for your sake and his sake, then do it. The potential judgements of your friends and family shouldn't get in the way of your happiness.
Well, first of all, welcome. Though I see you joined up here last year already. Or maybe that's just a fluke in the system... From the way you describe it, it seems your friend really is a woman, albeit one born in a male body. After a sex-change, she would basically be a woman in body and mind. Where this maps on the straight-bi-gay continuum I have no idea, but some things just defy labels. And labeling isn't really what's important here... What it all comes down to is indeed whether or not it's worth throwing open the doors of chaos for this. If you really have known each other for a long time, and went through a lot of things together, it might very well be. Dealing with the first chaos is hard to sit through, but it only takes a relatively short time, and in most of the cases, things go back to business as usual after that. Parents just aren't really easy to satisfy. Even if you end up straight and with a girl, they're bound to find issues. And I'm pretty sure that even though my mom knows I'm gay, hooking up with an online buddy would throw open the doors of pandaemonium in my life as well. So if you feel like you have an opportunity to make it work, you shouldn't fear too much for your parents' and friends' reactions. On the other hand, if you decide to go through with it, always have a plan B. Just make sure that if things do not work out, you're not stranded at the other side of the country without money or job or way to get back. If you have the opportunity, it might be best to just get over there for a week or two at first, and see if the chemistry survives a real-life encounter.
Welcome to EC Does your friend identify as male or female? If he (I'm going to use he because that's the pronoun you use) is considering sex reassignment, there's a very good chance that he identifies as female, and his mind is female, it's just that his body is male. The person you are is in your mind and heart, not your body, so your attraction to him is pretty much an attraction to a woman, just a woman who happens to have a male body. Basically, what I think is that if your friend identifies as female, it's a woman you have this connection to. Given that you met on the Internet, where you generally get to know a person's mind before their appearance, and given the fact that his mind is female, falling for him doesn't necessarily mean you're attracted to guys. Sexuality is not binary. It's not even clearly defined categories. If you have this real connection to this friend of yours, it might be that you're one of the infinite shades of grey when it comes to sexuality. Falling for someone who's trans is complicated, but my philosophy is that you don't need to label yourself. Just be you
Hi and first thing welcome to EC If I understood well (an please correct me if I didn't), your friend is biologicaly a man but he thinks feels he should have been a woman and he is probably going to get into a transition when he'll be able to aford it. Which means that in fact, your friend is a woman trapped in a male body. You didn't say if your friend is living as a woman yet, but if you date someone who feels like a woman, you are dating a woman no matter if their body matches their mind yet. Now, I'm not a big fan of labels, but if you identify as straight, dating a male to female transgender person won't make you "less straight" than dating a biological woman. So if you have feelings for your friend and if the feelings are mutual, there is not reason not to give it a try. Long distance relationship can be sucessful, or not, just as every relationships.
In my honest opinion, love is and should be treated blindly. Love knows no gender, sexuality, body part, or any other characteristic. Whether one will admit it or not, love can be found in so many different kinds of people, romantic or not. The thing is, most people just don't admit it. My point here is that if you really feel something for this person, then why does gender matter? Online relationships/hook-ups are never a good idea, but this is an obvious exception, considering how long you've known each other and the consistent interaction in different online environments. Go for it. What do you have to lose, other than a shot at love?
Just thought I'd post here once more to say that I ended up taking a flight to his part of the world for a week-long stay. It was amazing to finally get to meet up and see eachother face to face. MOst of our time was spent on videogames, I have to admit, although I'm pretty sure that the relationship has taken quite a step forward. It was interesting to see how he lived, what his life was like. Anyway.. the point is, it was a success, he was just the same as I'd known him to be, and we're much closer, figuratively speaking. What happens now.. No idea. But somehow, I've got to get him over here.
If you ask me, it sounds like you're maybe bi sexual. If there are some guys you would "go gay for" then you'd consider it and you admit some attraction to men. Though it seems you're more straight than gay. As for this online friend. If you have this real relationship with her (and I say her because you only know this person online, therefore you only know them as who they want to be, not who they are. You don't know this person on a physical level at all it seems so why bother referring to her as him?) I don't really think this is something you need to come out to your parents about. If you're worried about them not liking it, then don't tell them. They don't need to know that the girl you're dating used to be a guy. Or that the guy you're dating wants to be a girl. You're far away from eachother and havent even met in the flesh yet, so for all you know, she'll have gone through the operation and had the sex change by the time you actually meet up. I don't think you have anything to worry about. It's okay to love someone regardless of gender. If you have this deep emotional connection and you think you can make the physical connection work, then go ahead and give it a try. You don't need to reveal anything to your parents until you're ready to. If it's any consolation, I have a friend who dated someone of the same sex only to figure out that they are completely straight. So this could be the case for you too. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
As Taylor pointed out, sexuality is a spectrum. Some people are "straight but open", meaning that they prefer to date the opposite sex but exceptions sneak in from time to time. Me, I'm probably closer to fifty-fifty guys/ladies, but there are exceptions on both sides, IE I tend to get along better with masculine personalities, but I prefer more feminine looks but there are exceptions to both of these (mmm Jack Hodgins from Bones ). If it helps, just follow your heart and worry about labels after. You obviously like this person, and you hit it off when you met, so see where it goes.
