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Going crazy!!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NJCentralGary, Nov 5, 2009.

  1. NJCentralGary

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    I have a shocking announcement. I am recently 40 years old and i'm still NOT out. It's crazy to me. Everything tells me to just come out and not care. I have a couple of gay friends (Not super close friends, but in the group) and they probably know that I'm gay, but nobody ever asks. ALL of my guy friends are straight (Straight as they come). I work in the same office for 15 years and I can't imagine the uproar that would cause.

    The worst part is that ALL of my friends are now married with children or in relationships and I am alone. Someone slap me!!!

    I'm sorry...i'm a mess.
     
  2. 71390S

    71390S Guest

    *hugs* Would you like to come out/not sure how to come out?
     
  3. beckyg

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    Oh, I'm sure many are in the same boat. At least you haven't got married and ruined someone else's life? Right? Stick around here. There are some great people who will give you encouragement and advice and hopefully someday soon you won't care what those people you work with think and you will be FREE to be yourself! You might even find the love of your life. :slight_smile:
     
  4. NJCentralGary

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    I responded, but I'm not sure where it went.

    Thanks for the responses...it's so nice to have a place to talk.

    Just to answer your questions...yes, I do want to come out, but i am so scared.

    No, I have never been married. I've been seeing the same guy on and off for the last year. He is a divorsed father of two and very very IN THE CLOSET. We don't go out together, it's just hanging out at his place. Not what i'm looking for.

    I have so many friends and close family and I have never felt more alone.
     
  5. 71390S

    71390S Guest

    Do you have anyone in your life who you feel comfortable coming out to?
     
  6. NJCentralGary

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    I have one friend I came out to, she is the best! She is the one I go out with and is so open minded. She is married and bi-sexual. Thank g-d for her!!!
     
  7. 71390S

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    Well...how I see it is you're still the same person your friends knew before you came out. So if they reject you, it's their problem. You deserve friends who love you no matter what your orientation is. :slight_smile:
     
  8. NJCentralGary

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    Thanks! I know it's me, I know it's me. There are a couple of friends that I think would have an issue with this, and they would be shocked. I live a very straight life. I have a feeling the majority of my friends probably know and wouldn't be shocked, and if they didn't know, they wouldn't care. This is a great site!! I feel so motivated right now...sick to my stomach, but motivated. :slight_smile:
     
  9. coreyjazz23

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    It's wonderful that you're motivated. And you don't have to be quite so nervous, just think of the old saying, "Those who matter, don't mind; and those who mind, don't matter." If someone gets upset over you coming out, then that is just their problem. You don't need to let them get to you. We all know you can do this. Just be true to yourself and all will be fine in the end.
     
  10. csm123

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    Hi there,well i just came out about 3 months ago at the age of 41,so its never to late.I personally found that people generally didn't care or maybe suspected but didn't ask questions.
    I think at our age once you tell someone you get the urge to continue being more open and honest,i got on a roll and told family and 6 more in 2 days.
    Once you manage to say those words <im gay> to 1 person it becomes allot easier with each person you tell.
    Best of luck with coming out,hope every turn out good for you.
     
  11. LorenzG1950

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    Hi and welcome,

    There are several of us here who came out late, including myself at 56 :eek:. That was over 3 years ago and I’m having the time of my life :eusa_danc. Once you come out to a few people you really care about, you will gain the self-confidence to continue the process. It’s very exhilarating, almost addictive when you reach the point of “I don’t give a shit what people think”. If they have a problem with my homosexuality, it’s their problem, not mine.

    When I started to come out, I made a list of who and in what order, picking those who I expected to get a positive reaction from first. Now I’m pretty much out, even at my local redneck bar where I invited a close gay friend for a few drinks :icon_redf. Most people could care less. They respect me for the person I am and I don’t have to create a “straight” façade, making up imaginary girlfriends, etc.

    Good luck and I’m sure you’ll find lots of support right here.
     
  12. Filip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC!

    That feeling of wanting to come out and being scared is perfectly normal. All gay people I know report having that. And it would be the clue that it's time to just go ahead and do it. Once the urge to come out happens (whether at 14 or at 40), there's little use in stopping it. Trying to stop it can only lead to more unhappyness.

    There is also no reason to change your life around. You say you lead a very straight life. But that's really not all that unusual. Lots of gay people do so. Despite media stereotypes, there really is no reason to suddenly talk with a lisp, become a fashion icon and go out gay clubbing every night.
    My life was pretty "straight" before I came out, and it hasn't changed all that much afterwards. Only thing that changed is that when I hang out with my friends now, they know and don't give a dang. And that feeling is honestly one of the best feelings in the world. At most my female friends try to hook me up with cute guys, but that's really not a drawback :icon_wink

    Best thing if you're nervous would be to just make a plan. Come out to a few of your closest friends or family members (the ones you're almost sure would accept) one by one. Then you have a support network and can work on coming out to the ones you're not so sure of, and work your way out that way.

    And if you need any support, this site is open 24 hours a day. Even on Christmas! :icon_wink
     
  13. NJCentralGary

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    Thank you all for your words of encouragement, I know the time is coming where I am going to have to do this. I don't know how long I can be this unhappy. I think my sister is the one I will come out to, we are super close. Even though I think she must know, she knows I haven't been in relationships...I think she will be shocked. OMG!
     
  14. s5m1

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    Hi there. Not so shocking. I was one of those post-40 folks who came out later in life. It has been AMAZING since. For the first time in my life, I don’t care who knows I am gay. My boyfriend and I go out wherever we want. To paraphrase another EC member, life out of the closet kicks ass.

    Welcome to the site. I hope we can be of some help to you in whatever way you need.
     
  15. Jim1454

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    Thanks Becky. I like to think I've 'enriched' my wife's life. :icon_wink

    Welcome to EC! I'm another person who couldn't admit or accept that I was gay until I was in my mid 30s. And that was after I'd been married 9 years and had 2 kids. Ouch.

    I'm glad you found EC. It is often the first place any of us have been able to express ourselves so freely about what we're feeling and thinking regarding our orientation. Up until we found this site it was sometimes a big ugly shameful secret that we had kept to ourselves. But we learn here from those that have gone before us that it isn't something to be ashamed of. It's just who we are.

    Imagine - I was married with 2 kids. Yet my friends - while a little surprised - have accepted this part of me and it makes absolutely no difference to them. I'm not out at work yet - despite having come out to my wife almost 3 years ago. So you can go as quickly and as slowly as you want.

    Good luck, and again, welcome to EC!!:smilewave
     
  16. malachite

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    I felt that exact same way, I'm not 4o , but 28 ain't exactly a baby either. I've lived my whole life in closet and no one suspected anything, but when I did come out it wasn't as bad as I thought, in fact there was almost no bad at all. People were accepting.


    I'm gonna steal the advice Lex gave me: People don't like being around you because your straight, so why would they not want to be around you when they find out you're gay.
     
  17. NJCentralGary

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    I so appreciate all of the responses, it's amazing reading through the posts and seeing how many people have the same issues I have. I have felt so alone, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I was talking to my sister last night and all I could think about was telling her that I'm gay. I was getting myself sick, but I chickened out. I keep thinking about how this is going to change my life, but frankly I don't have much of a life now.
     
  18. x2x2x2x2y2

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    Well how about Telling your gay friends? It might be a good way to start because they will most likely understand and won't judge. Or you could tell your sis because you two are very close. Don't feel sad, some people never come out. You just gotta bring up all your courage and tell them. Trust me, in the end it's worth it! =) good luck and keep us posted!
     
  19. malachite

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    We're never as alone as we think we are.

    As for feeling sick, you're just nervious we all felt that.
     
  20. Chip

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    Gary,

    An acquaintance of mine just told me that he came out 3 years ago, at 68. He had been married and divorced, has grown children, and is out to (and supported by) all of them. He worked in arts management so I suspect it was no surprise to anyone, but still a big challenge for him.

    It's never too late, and as daunting as it seems now, you'll find it much easier -- and very liberating -- once you step past the fear and the nervousness and take the steps.

    I feel like i'm shilling this book but I recommend that everyone -- particularly older people coming out -- get Joe Kort's amazing book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love"

    The title is misleading; it is one of the most powerful and helpful books I've read (in 20+ years of reading relationship and psychology literature) for gay men, and there is a lot in there that's particularly helpful to understanding the internalized homophobia that makes it hard for us to come out, and how our experiences shape how we approach relationships.

    You'll find there are plenty of people coming out late in life, quite a few here on EC, and nobody will judge you for it. Feel free to ask questions -- there are no 'dumb' ones -- and read through the forums to get a sense of things and just be open to the process :slight_smile: