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is my boyfriend gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ellen, Nov 7, 2009.

  1. ellen

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    i have a problem and i hope someone can help me....
    i am stright and i have a boyfriend for the past 5 years but we are best friend for 8 year.
    we were doing fine, even great until yesterday whan after we had a very open conversation he told me that 2 years ago, whan everything was not very good, he could not understend way he can't realy feel butterflys about me so he started thinking that maybe he is gay. but than he said that now he knows he's not, 100%. he says that it was only a brakedown and that he was trying to find himself...
    the sex btween us is great and he seems to like my body and everything. i can't say that i never thought he was gay because he is not a "manly man", you know? but i did not realy think he was, he alwas seemd to be intrested in girls and he said that he never had any fantasis about a man.
    anyway the thing is that i can't understand how a stright man can think even for a moment that he is gay... i have nothing against gays but i do whan it's my boyfriend with whom i am planning a life.
    how do you know whan you are gay? and is what he said about being straight thrue?
     
  2. Just Adam

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    well you can jsut know your sexualit but usually it isnt a eternal deffinate i started out thinkign i was straight i never though about guys until one day i did and the thoughts n ever went away and i had to accept that i wsaent straight.

    you boyfriend might have some feeling for men hes not happy with or not comfortable or down right scared to share with you, but from what you say he loves you and is commited and teh msot important thign is despite any feeligns he may have it you he chooses to be with ..that has to be the most important factor...

    sexuality can be a hard thing to figure out my experience it creeps up on you and it isnt allways clear it can take years and years to figure out how you feel and even longer figureing out what to do about them.

    its good though you realise this isnt a choice he made to have them feelings what ever they were..

    i dont know how old you and your partner are but it is normal to actually question your sexuality when young and also when on the edge of commiting to a relationship as you dont want to go into somthign then hurt people...

    he told you about these feelings which im sure was very hard for him so alli can say is be happy hes honest lvoe the fact hes with you and support him as it can be a tricky thing to live with even knowing you once questioned yourself...as not many people would of choosen to be lgbt as it can be a hard life to be accepted in society so he would of had all tehm fears beeing outcasted and peopel who would not accept him.

    but i think you too need to be congratulated not only for realising it wasent a choice to have the feelings he did but also to come here and to seek advice and not blunder through this with missconceptions and incorrect information pottentialy making things awkward or down right bad.. soo well done :slight_smile:

    so to sum up these feelings jsut happen even in people who are straight it is normal, hes choosen to be with you and sounds as if he cares for you alot youve known each other a long time... jsut be happy and accept that hes straight as the more you make him think abtou these thigns the worse it can make him feel...

    :slight_smile:

    take care and i hope everythign works out for you two :slight_smile:


    p.s dont blame the gays for the feelings ...we did nto release the rainbow cloud of gayness, raining down on people infecting them making them gay :grin: ... ive said too much
     
  3. Greggers

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    Well, even though the ultra-conservatives and extremist christians want you to believe this, there is no such thing as a "phase". Experimenting when your young? Sure, but only to the point you dont know better. I strongly believe people dont drift in and out of being gay, it does not work like that. Feelings are feelings.

    Now, its important for you to know the Kinsey scale. Basically, very few people are 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual. The scale goes from 1 (100% hetero) to 6 (100% homo) with 3 being a bisexual that leans near equally on both sides. Your boyfriend could be a 1, 2 or 3 and you could still have an amazing life together. Just because he might have attractions to men does *NOT* mean your relationship is in jeopardy. He could just as easily leave you for another woman, so dont assume because he might also like men he would be unfaithful, leave you, ect.

    Now there is also the small chance he is really really gay and just repressing it because of issues he or people he knows have with homosexuality, but from your description i would say this is very unlikely.

    Bottom line is, if you love your boyfriend you need to do what is best for him, not just yourself. You can try and show him with small gestures that your *OK* with homo and bisexuality? You can try and tell him that he can tell you anything (emphasis on anything)? But until he is ready to tell you if he is bisexual or homosexual, its not your right to force the subject too strongly. Its not his fault if he has these feelings, you have to know that, and you need to be there for him. Trust me on this, if your really close to someone who just flips at you when you come out, it can ruin your life for years.

    To re-cap: He most likely is bisexual if he does have these feelings and can still have a relationship with you. He might be homosexual. Whatever he is be there for him. Its not your fault.

    ...oh, and he might be 100% straight. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: cant rule that one out too.
     
  4. Filip

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    Well, first of all, welcome!

    It's hard to definitively tell if someone's gay, unfortunately. If there was a secret way to know, gay people everywhere would murder for it :wink:

    All I can say about how I know I'm gay is that I just know. Girls don't do anything for me in the way that guys do. I don't even generally notice them. The feelings for some guys are just so overwhelmingly more than any feelings I've ever had for girls. Though I did try to become straight for quite some time, I can't really say that I ever not knew.

    However, I do know that sometimes people who turn out to be perfectly straight otherwise can sometimes go through a time when they're slightly attracted to the same sex (how old are you two? You didn't mention that in your post). And sometimes even straight people have this rare exceptional guy they could be gay for. That doesn't mean they're gay though. As is sometimes said: everyone is at least a little bisexual, even if most people never discover that.
    Maybe your boyfriend just went through a stage of doubt like that.
    On the other hand, yeah, there is the slight possiblilty he is gay, but is really trying to repress it, for whatever reason. But that is far from a certainty.

    I do think that talking about it more might help. Sometimes articulating feelings we had can help understand them better. As long as you don't think he's cornered by the discussion, I'm guessing the best way to know more about it would be to have a few more honest conversations.
     
  5. x2x2x2x2y2

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    Firstly it's nice to see someone who supports her bf so much! Secondly I agree with Greggers post. I also think you should tell him to take some time to figure himself out before your relationship goes any further. Tell him you just want him to be happy, and if he's happier with guys, that's ok. If he's happy with you, then that's great too. Goodluck! =)
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Only your boyfriend can tell you if he's gay or not. And he might not even know himself.

    I didn't think (or refused to accept) that I was gay growing up. I buried it so deep in my subconscience that I eventually got married and had a couple of kids. But in the end it got to the point where I simply couldn't deny it any longer. I consider myself to be gay - despite having been married and having a fairly satisfying sex life.

    The important thing for you to do right now is to be open and honest and accepting. If this is bothering you, tell your boyfriend. But tell him in a way that isn't judgemental or threatening, but just caring and open. Let him know that this is important to figure out - both for him and for you. It will cause you both (and your children) a lot of pain later on if he really is gay. And you deserve to know.
     
  7. Pseudojim

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    Consider the possibility that he is having problems coming to terms with some kind of attraction toward men. I am bi and prefer women, and for a long long time i didn't know what i was because i also know that i'm attracted to men. I'm by no means a manly man either, i'm quite the odd one, and people often assume i am gay because of my mental androgyny.

    It causes trouble for a lot of guys who don't know their identity.
     
  8. ellen

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    thank you so much for all your posts, it does help me understand that if he thought about it one or twice it does not mean that he is gay for a fact. that is something i never had to deal whit befor so i did not know... not many of my friend are gay and those who are, we're not so close that i could talk to tham about it so you guys help me alot. thank you again and i would love the read more about your thoughts of my problem...

    p.s me and my boyfriend are 23 years old.
     
  9. Pseudojim

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    then stay with us and keep posting!

    he may well be gay, straight or bi, but that's up to him to figure out, it can't be figured out for him. So long as you support him through it, it will be easier for him.