I have huge issues. I am searching for love, but it's not normal love, but more of a hook up with older guys. I met one guy so far, but no sex. Love should be based on a relationship not on insecurities. I feel if I try to get a normal guy I might be rejected since we would be more equals, so I look for ugly guys since if it isn't for me as person he might be into me for my looks. But I must be really pathetic too, since that one old guy I sent a few emails after we met and he hasn't returned them. I guess I must be really ugly that I can't even maintain an ugly fat guy's attention. The only guy I can ever say I might truly be in love with is this one guy whom I built a relationship with for over a year on this game, we still chat, but he believes I'm a female (a pretty one at that too). He's bisexual, but in the game I played a female character, since I feel more natural that way I guess. I have thoughts of being transsexual on and off. He told me he wanted to meet way back in the spring of 09. I think I'm transsexual more than normal... I don't want to be. I know most of you cannot relate, but it's just been bothering me. I try to find myself, but I don't know how to find myself. I live in fantasies in my own head. And my mother really doesn't want me gay, and my grandma fears it. I can feel it growing and growing day by day, since I'm dropping hints here and there and they culminated. I saw my mother had a logo show on, so she might be really seeing the truth this week. This is the most gradual coming out I know, since this been going on since summer of 08. I'm just depressed, and miserable, and happy all the same time. I think I'm a little crazy too.
Why not come out to your mom? It will be hard but at least she will finally know for sure. If you are transsexual, it's ok, as long as it makes you happy. Most people won't understand it but it is what it is. As for the fantasies in your head, everyone has these. We have them because life is so much better in our head. In our head we get to make up whatever we want. (*hug*) (*hug*)
Actually changing might not make me happy... i'm not 100% sure, and I don't have a ton of money to just do that unless I am 100% sure. It's just a lingering feeling, that won't go but it weak enough to ignore it most of the time. Plus I don't want to make myself into something in nice terms, "unnatural". Not everyone fantasize while living life at the same time. It's like I am living another life in my head while living my life. Hard to explain, but I imagine myself as another person living in my body as I live.
Well all I can say is do what makes you happy. If your not ready to come out, it's ok. If you ever wanna talk I'm here. =)
From your threads, it sounds like you have been dealing with a bunch of different feelings over the last few months. Sometimes in life we need some help sorting through our feelings. That is where a good therapist can help. We can’t always get through things in life on our own, and many times it takes a trained person, who can see things clearly from a distance, to help us along. There is nothing to be ashamed about seeing a therapist. For me, it was the best decision I ever made. I resisted going for years until I hit absolute rock bottom. I cannot tell you how happy I am now that I did it. You can be too.
