1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My troubling mindset...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Confusicus, Nov 9, 2009.

  1. Confusicus

    Confusicus Guest

    I haven't been on here in quite a while, I had only come on for a short time in the first place, when I was first struggling to figure out my sexuality. I can see now that I was in complete denial (and maybe still am). I remember at one point saying to myself that even if I am gay, I will make myself straight. I fought so hard against myself, but realized that the toughest person you will ever fight is yourself! I was and still am trying to come to terms with who I am. I've spent the past 5-10 years, whenver I first started experiencing sexuality, living a false life. I built a facade and personality that I thought others would like. I tried to do things to impress people instead of doing them because I wanted to or liked the things I was doing. I had dropped or pushed away many things that I had talent for when I was younger because they were "gay." :dry: I had dated girls when I was younger and thought I was attracted to girls like all my other mates. I'm not sure when I first realized I liked guys, I think that's been more recently, but I do remember thinking that I really didn't like girls or rather didn't want to be in a relationship with them. I can remember trying to think up excuses so I wouldn't have to see my gf or some new girl who liked me and I told myself I liked. All throughout High School and much of middle school I felt very alone, unlike any of the other boys around me. At that time I couldn't put my finger on it but knew something was different. In High School I had friends and gfs but relationships never lasted long and I found myself breaking up with girls for no reason or any excuse I could. I got close with some girls but not in a relationship way, more of best friends sort of thing, which I'm sure most of the guys couldn't understand. I stayed focused on school work and grades as a distraction from life around me. Everyone else seemed so happy and were always joking, laughing, flirting, dating new people, going to parties and just living, but I never felt like I fit in. I still hadn't clued into the fact that I was gay, but I do remember I kept thinking, nearly every time I met a new guy, I wonder if this guy doesn't like girls either... lol! I hadn't realized that I liked boys and that's why I didn't like girls. I fought my sexuality as hard as I could. I made myself check out girls and always watched hetero porn and looked at naked girls I thought were pretty when getting off. Well fast forward a few years, mix in some heavy homophobia as a defense mechanism I suppose, some depression, anxiety, anti-socialism and so on and so forth. I feel like I've really screwed myself up mentally especially the past year. I was so deep in denial about being gay that I started looking for every possible excuse for the way I was feeling. Homosexual obsession (why won't these thoughts of men go away!!!), it must be causing the depression, and anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I was put on anti-depressants, and have been seeing a therapist for a year now. I was even diagnosed with bi-polar, which I really do not believe I have, it was just due to the internal struggle. I hated myself and my attraction to men. I think I actually became obsessed with trying to be and act straight. At some point I finally became fed up after numerous break downs, serious thoughts of ending my life, hiding from friends, and being continually depressed. While I'm not out to many, only my mother and farther(who both say they will love me no matter what), and a good friend of mine that I used to work with, I do feel like I'm on a path to healing.

    The thing that bugs me is that I can't be myself, I still have to put on this straight tough guy facade at school, work, and around friends, and still make myself check out girls in front of other people. Don't get me wrong, women are beautiful and I can't say I'd never have sex with one again, but I cannot love and connect with them like I know I can a man. I am still struggling with something I believe is internalized homophobia. I still say to myself (never to other people or out loud anymore) that this or that is gay, instead of stupid, or he's gay because of the way he said something or dresses. It bugs the hell out of me, because I know they aren't or that inanimate object or action isn't gay, I am! I really don't know how to stop this, I think that coming out to everyone slowly will help stop my homophobia (I know it doesn't make sense a homosexual who is homophobic) :eusa_doh: and allow me to finally feel like and begin to discover my real self.


    Well that's all for now, just needed to vent and get some of that written down. Sorry it's kinda long!
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, there.

    Actually everything you've said makes PERFECT sense, including the part about homosexuals who are homophobic. How may ultra-right-wing-crazies who were violently anti-gay have been 'outed' having sexual relationships with gay men?

    Anyone that grows up in the US gets a bunch of baggage just from the experiences we have. Those of us who are other than straight get an "extra helping" of baggage, and a large part of it is because of the value-laden judgements that we get from those around us.

    You sound like you have a really good handle on what's going on for you, and have for the most part accepted your sexuality, and that is a big part of the battle. Is your therapist supportive of helping you come out, or is s/he a Christian therapist who believes you can be "cured"? That makes a big difference in your healing process.

    As far as the rest of your process, spend some more time here, read some of the postings of others, and you'll find that your situation is far from unique. Just take it one step at a time, quit judging yourself, and start affirming yourself as a healthy, loveable, normal guy who happens to be gay :slight_smile: I think you'll find that as you do that, your internalized homphobia will, as you suggest, start to dissipate.
     
  3. Confusicus

    Confusicus Guest

    Chip lol Luckily no the therapist is not one of those crazies. I know that is a load of bull, and would never wast my time. I havn't seen him in a while and the last time I did I think I was still thinking I was bi or just obessed with being gay... I see him in a month mayber sooner and hope to tell him what's been going on and maybe he can help point me in the right direction. I think I'm going to a LGBT meeting in orlando tomorrow, have to admit I'm scared and might back out, but gonna try not to.