People's views on my situation.

Welcome to EC :eusa_clap
I'm kinda short for time tonight, so I'll just say your not alone. I knew when I was 13 that I was not "normal". It took me years to finally come to terms with who I have always been. You've come to the right place for some help, and I'm sure others will post soon.

 

You're successful

Even if you're ugly you'll find someone just like you

 

Your situation is mine almost to a T. Only things that are different is that I haven't graduated yet, I'm not going into law, and I've finally decided to start telling people.

I'm not good looking, in my opinion, but I know I'll be able to find someone--and this is coming from the biggest pessimist I know. I'm sure we'll be alike in that as well.

 

If you decide that this isn't what you want, what are you going to do? Do you believe it's possible for you to change how you feel?

Don't presume that people won't like you. Because, there are several people, I'm sure who are similiar to you, or, even if they aren't, would want to be with you. You just have to find them.

You've never been hit on. Have you ever hit on anybody?

 

I would like to give you my assessment of the situation, but honestly I'm exhausted from school and volunteering today. So I'll give you a shorter blurb.

First, welcome!

You're not the only insecure one (gay, bi, trans, queer, les, straight whatever, people are insecure). Ok... As for people not approaching you or hitting on you, believe it or not, but people pick up on vibes. Meaning, if you feel shitty, and project "Oh I'm shitty, that guy was a mean dumb ***, my dog died, I feel miserable" people will pick up on it, even if you don't talk to them. It's all in how you present yourself (body posture, facial expression, ability to talk etc).

Trust me, I used to be SUPER shy and socially anxious before going to university four years ago. If I went back in the past to that version of me, I wouldn't recognize myself. Except for the sarcasm.

You need to change how you project yourself. You need to talk to someone, maybe a campus counsellor? (They are free I believe) just to get some of the stuff you have in your head off your chest. You will feel better. You don't need to necessarily talk about your sexuality (though most counsellors I've heard of are trained to deal with that too), but just talk about stuff that bothers you and how you'd like to be a better person.

And down the road (if you are truely gay as you say you are) you come out of the closet you will feel SUCH a relief. It's the 21st century for goodness sakes! It's so 20th century to make a big fuss over coming out. *wink*

 

There isn't a 'right' or wrong way to be gay or whatever. People come in all sizes, colours, sexual orientations. You can be a dead butch, stright man and cry like a baby watching some chick-flick, for instance. I always say diversity is the spice of life

You don't have to live up to the stereotypes, you are you. You need to figure out how you want to be happy.

Oh, and welcome to EC!

 

First of all: welcome to EC!

First thought I have is that your situation is a lot like the one I was in almost 2 years ago. I’ve always known that I was gay and yet, I never told anyone before I was 24. I’m pretty introverted, have a tendency to overthink everything, and while I might make an occasional joke about sex, I can’t say I’m really that sexual.

All I can really say is that, coming from a similar situation, I think that accepting my sexuality and coming out with it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Even though I only told my closest friends and closest family, making very sure to only tell the people that would accept (or at least be tolerant) at first, the feeling of not lying anymore was really a big relief. Only when you stopped lying do you really notice how much energy you spend on hiding your sexuality, even if it only feels like a minor exertion while you’re doing it.
In fact, I’m beginning to become aware that I might very well have been hit on in the past, but just kept my defenses up so tight that I just didn’t allow myself to notice.

I also did just push my boundaries a little and take one or two tentative steps into the “gay world”. And all I can say is that at least where I live, the stereotypes don’t hold. While there are stereotypical gayboys around, a lot (I dare even say the majority) are perfectly ordinary-looking. Most are people I wouldn’t have ever thought were gay if I saw them walking down the street.
Even in this thread, there are a few people who are similar in outlook and situation already, so I’m sure that if you would start looking for yourself, and not relying on stereotypes, you will find what you’re looking for, and someone else will find in you what he’s looking for.

In the end, accepting I was gay and coming out to people didn’t change my life all that much. I still do the same things. I’m just happier and more at ease while doing them!

Is being gay what you want out of life? Maybe it’s not your dream scenario. I’m less and less bothered by being gay, but I still can’t say it is my dream scenario either. However, in life you have to play with the cards you are dealt. You’re not going to turn straight miraculously. And as many people on this forum can testify, deciding to pretend you’re straight and marry a woman and have kids is like setting off a time bomb that sooner or later will explode in your face.

 

There's really two issues here- 1-your coming out process and 2- your feelings of social awkwardness and insecurity.

And yes, the two are connected. But probably 2 is more of a problem than 1.

You can't hope to win a race unless you are willing to put on the shoes and run.

So, let's start with the social aspects of your life-
Do you have a close group of friends that you can talk openly with?
Why do you feel insecure about yourself- is it shyness or do feel like you are not attractive?

 

I also knew I was different since I was a kid...it was in the 7th grade when I figured out what I was, and it wasn't until after I left my high school for another school[a replacement school] did I come out.

 

First, welcome to EC. This is a great place to work through these issues. I agree with the advice above and won’t repeat it. Please know that you are not alone in this. Many of us have felt the same things you are expressing. Posting on EC and asking for advice helped me greatly. Seeing a therapist also helped me greatly, and you may want to consider it. Most universities have counseling centers right on campus.

 

Its all about confidence. I never thought I was extremely "cute" or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy type, but, confidence is key. Going out there having a smile on your face, not caring what others think, going up to random people at a bar and talking to them. Its taken me a bit to get there, I'm still working on it. I'm stretching myself, bring myself to one extreme to another until I found that happy medium.

I am also morally conservative but politically liberal (btw, I never heard anyone put it that way and i've been waiting for a way to describe myself ... thanks). Its been really difficult being a small town boy coming to the city. Its a process.

 

:eusa_clap

I think that's with both male or females. I couldn't take the dreams of walking down the isle up to a male fiance at the alter. It was like runaway bride in my head several nights. (But because I was gay not because i was scared of committment. :lol


But really, you have so much support here. (&&&) (!) :eusa_danc

 

at risk of being called a nerd i must mention the 'YANA' effect.
while you can be ugly, smell and have a awfull personality there will always be someone closer than you think similar and a good match for you.

 

Well, this moves the goalposts a little. If you start off by saying that you think your insecurity is at the core of everything, it's only natural that people mainly reply to that...

Anyway, some of my thoughts and experiences on coming out to family:

First of all, I don't think that I entirely agree that altering anything in the connection is always a bad thing. Sure, there is a risk of losing people. On the other hand, there's also the chance of growing closer to people.

And secondly, stories of love and acceptance might seem less useful, but I do think the reason there's so many of them around is precisely because love and acceptance might just be slightly easier to come by than you think. Sometimes we do give our loved ones too little credit. A lot of the time, the whole anxiety before the coming out turns out to be bracing for a crash that never happens after all.

That said, I do agree it's easier said than done. I'm from a very close family, and that did give me pause. I like to come out at my own pace, and not to all at once. Which is hard to do if people usually tell each other everything.
So far, I'm out to two family members, with two different results.

First one I'm out to is my brother. He was the first family member I told (though I did tell friends beforehand), and since we're very close, also the easiest one. Even so, I was still pretty nervous. But he turned out to be more accepting than I would have ever hoped. As it turned out, he did already suspected me of being gay. Even though he had his suspicions, at first there was a little awkwardness. In the end, however, it was nothing but a positive experience. I'm closer now to him than I was before. We talk more freely now than before, and not having anything to hide makes me feel way more comfortable.

Second one I'm out to is my mom. It was very stressful coming out to her, but after coming out to my brother, I felt I really had to. I didn't want to burden my brother with keeping secrets for me, and somehow it just felt like it was time to do so, and give her time to adjust to the thought.
Her reaction was pretty shocked. She told me she accepted me and it didn't mean anything had changed between us. She asked a few standard questions (how long I had known, who else I told, if I had a boyfriend already). And then changed the topic.
That was almost half a year ago, and it is basically the last time the topic ever came up between us. Whenever it threatens to come up, she changes the topic. Whenever she sees me talking to a guy that might look somewhat gay, she'll make a snipe at him afterwards.
But in the end, I am still glad I told her. Yes, it has become the big elephant in the room that neither of us talk about, but at least now she's aware of the elephant and she can start to deal with it on her own schedule (it took me ten years to cope, so I guess I can give her some time too). And apart from when the "gay thing" comes up, nothing really changed after all.

The rest of my family is still a work in progress. I do know that I can tell uncles and aunts each apart, but grandparents I will have to tell all at the same time. It will give some fallout, but in the end, I don't think it will be Chernobyl-like either. It will change how they look at me, but in the end, not keeping secrets, not having to keep explaining why I don't have a girlfriend yet, not being expected to keep on lying will make me feel better and more at ease. Even though I know some of them will think it's all a whacky choice I made because I can't find a girlfriend rolleyes, it will give me the opportunity to explain them. And it will give them some time to come to terms with it.

Wow, long post, but I hope it helped a bit?

 

I am also 23 and could really label who I was when I in my early teens. The major difference between us is that I have been in a hetero relationship for a number of years now and finally couldnt hide who I was anymore. I quickly came to a point acceptance of who I was, and decided that I had to share the real me with my best friends. My mood, attitude on life, and overall happiness really started to change as soon as I told my best friend. I have told my female partner that I am bi because I didnt want things to move too fast in the coming out process. But for the first time in a very long time I can say that I am happy with who I am. I know that in the very near future I will speed things up a little bit.

The best advice that I could offer you is to try and accept who you are. This is not what defines you, but is a part of you.

For years I was able to "think" that I was gay, but when I finally looked at myself in the mirror and said "I'm gay" I felt a huge burden lift off of me. Its hard to understand how much weight we carry around when we hide who we are until we let it go.

Good Luck to you!