Hey everyone, this is my first post on this site! So basically, about half a year ago I came out to 5 of my friends via a message on facebook that was long and looking back, it was maybe not the best way to handle it. Some didnt reply because they didnt find it necessary but it brought on a lot of anxiety for me. Now that I'm feeling even more comfortable with myself and I do have some kind of security blanket to fall back on, I really want to come out to my room mates. There is no reason that I should worry that they wont be accepting (I go to Art School in Massachusetts). I can't help but feel everything will change after I do it, but i'm not even sure if that is true! I guess what i'm looking for is some encouragement. I'v had a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I'v always known that I liked men and had no real sexual feelings towards women, but I just disregarded it for most of my life and pretended things were normal. I act like myself pretty much all the time except for when the topic of relationships or women comes up with friends or roommates. I think the reason I have had so much trouble is my mother. When I was very young, my mom used to ask me not to be gay, I have even promised her before (i wasnt really old enough to know that those feelings couldnt be stopped). She works with many older gay men who are alone, and she just doesnt want to see me sad like that. I have no reason to believe though in my life that my parents or friends wont accept me. I live in Massachusetts, my dad made us walk though the gay pride parade when we stumbled into it in montreal a few years back. But this is different it feels like, this is their own son who is gay, not other people who dont affect them. And I think i'm so concerned about my room mates because I already lived with them for a year, pretending to be straight and now i'm living with them for another year in our own apartment and I dont want to feel like i tricked them into living with me or something and I dont want anything to change between us... I'v been dropping subtle hints here and there and to be honest, i think they've always known. But every time i'm sitting there with them and I want to do it, i just cant get the words "i'm gay" out of my mouth.
Hi, and first off, welcome to Empty Closets. The situation you're describing is one that most of us have been through at one time or another, specifically how to come out to people that you've told you were straight. First, I think most people realize that those who are in the process of struggling with sexuality will be less-than-truthful until they are ready to come out. So I don't think anyone will hold it against you. Second, you're at an art school, and half the guys on campus are probably gay So I seriously doubt your housemates will care, and, as you've said, they probably already know. What I would do is write a short note to each of them. Then, once you've written it, you can decide if you want to just leave it for them, or read it to them yourself. Or there's always the tell-someone-who-will-pass-it-on approach. One of my best friends who I had known for about 10 years was in the coming out process, and I had known since I first met him that he was almost certainly gay, and dropped all sorts of hints, from the subtle to the blatant, that it was OK for him to be that way, and OK to come out to me, and all that... but, i think because he'd been untruthful for 10 years, it was difficult/embarrassing to tell me directly. Ultimately the way he chose to do it was to tell a mutual friend, knowing that friend would tell me, and the allowing me to go back and talk to him. And that worked fine. It really will be easier than you think, and I definitely wouldn't worry about your housemates thinking you tricked them or anything. I honestly doubt they will care at all.
I honestly dont know why I cant just say it to them... I know 100% that I like men and I couldnt ever see myself having sex with or ina relationship with a woman...
chip is right or you can come out via sms too if you find it too difficult to say to them face to face you are gay.
Welcome to EC! >>>I'v had a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I'v always known that I liked men and had no real sexual feelings towards women, but I just disregarded it for most of my life and pretended things were normal. I'll say it since nobody else has - things WERE normal. Liking guys IS (apparently) your normal. A main thing to remember about coming out is this - it's simply something to get to the other side of. You just want to get to a place where you aren't hiding this bit of information from anybody anymore. It doesn't much matter how you do it, or who you tell first. You just want to make people aware of it. And yeah, it can be scary. Sometimes even if you know people will be supportive. Not because you're afraid of losing friends or family, but because there's such a feeling of "finality". It makes your homosexuality "official", if you will, and it's not like it can be reversed if something happens and you "change your mind" (although this is unbelievably rare). But do know that, for most people, it's like getting a splinter pulled out. The oh-my-God build-up to pulling out ends up being a lot more painful than the actually pulling out. So, how do you do it? Well, let's take a look at your situation specifically. You want to come out to your roommates. One technique that often works well in situations like yours is this - act like they already know. Pretend you already had the big horrible scene of coming out to them. So, if they say something like "(Actress) is kinda hot", you might say with "If you say so. I'm rather fond of (actor) myself." Or if they discuss dating on campus, you might say "Hey, it could be worse. With us gay guys, 95% of guys are off limits." This can be a good way to "come out without coming out", if you will. Lex
Ha ha ha Lexington, I'd love to do that last suggestion, I almost did kindof today but I dont have the balls for that ha ha ha, that takes more balls than just saying "i'm gay" ha ha great suggestion though! I dont want to make a big deal out of it, I might just say that i'm gay randomly when i'v got them sitting in the same room as me as if it was just in passing in conversation or something... but part of me does want to talk about it even though i dont want it to be a big deal. Also, I dont want to tell one of my roommates till i tell the other because one of them is SUPER immature.
Hi and welcome to EC! Yes - coming out to people is scary. But I don't think there has been a single story here about someone who came out, and their friend said "I'm totally OK with you being gay, but I hate you for not telling me sooner!" It doesn't happen. People understand that this is hard. If you can't go with what Lex suggested, and you don't feel like just blurting out that you're gay, then you'll have to 'set the stage' so to speak. And that can be as simply as saying to your room mates " I have something I want to talk about tonight." That is easy enough to say, and it prepares them for the fact that you do in fact have something to tell them them. They might think you're going to complain about dirty dishes in the sink, or tell them that you're dropping out and leaving them to pay the rent on their own. They'll likely be relieved to learn that you just wanted to let them know that you're gay. Good luck! And again - welcome.
>>>I almost did kindof today but I dont have the balls for that ha ha ha, that takes more balls than just saying "i'm gay" ha ha >>>If you can't go with what Lex suggested, and you don't feel like just blurting out that you're gay, then you'll have to 'set the stage' so to speak. And that can be as simply as saying to your room mates " I have something I want to talk about tonight. As Jim pointed out, it actually takes MORE balls to do the big "I'm gay" speech. You have to set the stage, you have to round up your audience. (Selling tickets and souvenir T-shirts is optional.) But if you can work it into a conversation, there's no massive preparation or stage fright. You just do it. You might stumble over the words, or get all flushed, but you can simply say it and get it out there. That's all that matters. And if stage fright is still bringing you down, there's always e-mail. Send it to each of them saying "I don't really know how to say this without making it awkward, but I don't know if all of you know I'm gay. I just felt that needed knowing." Lex Lex
My roommates aren't aware, but its not like I hide it. Just not very close with either of them so I don't go out of my way.
Hi Tswyter, I can relate to what you are feeling. I also had feelings for men for a long time and disregarded it. It was only about a year ago when I came to terms with it and came out to my two closest friends(one is my flatmate) about 8 months ago. Like you, i find the words "I'm gay" very hard to say. To be exact, when i came out for the very first time to those two friends, it took me more than 10 minutes to utter the words out. My mouth was stuck! I am not trying to scare you here but just want to say that everything should happen at a pace that you are comfortable with. As hard as the first time was, I knew and wanted to do it and persevered until those words came out. Maybe rehearsing it a million times(exaggeration) before the real thing will help. Persevere my friend and proceed at a pace that only you yourself are comfortable with Henry
hey... from what you said, it sounds like you are deff 100% gay (YAY!) and that you are thinking about coming out to your roommates. One, you go to an arts school in MA, so my guess is that people there will be pretty chill about it. However, actually saying the words "im gay" is about one of the hardest things you can EVER do, I completly understand. Its like everytime you wanna say it, it feels like your mouth is stuffed with peanut butter and you are gagging. It helps to come out via IM or in some non person to person way, but it also helps to come out to just one person and not a few, it is less overwhelming. Well, good luck!!
In reality, I'd love to come out via an email or something because then i can say all the things i want to say, but i want to avoid the anxiety i felt last time i came out that way. People keep saying I ought to come out in person because it's more respectful. What do you guys think?
I've never made even the slightest deal with coming out. The biggest deal I've made was with someone who I thought might be dumb about it. I just said "oh, I'm bi. That doesn't mean I want to sleep with you or fantasise about you or anything, by the way". Maybe it's just the circles I move in, but it really isn't a big deal to many people I tatlk to.
Everyone comes out in different ways. If you feel comfortable doing it in email because you can get the words right, then do it that way. Maybe you could add in the email to your roommates that you would like each of them to talk to you personally after they've read it, to understand their thoughts and whether they have any questions.
ok the site was down last night so I didnt get to post this. I didnt come out to my room mates (well I almost did but then the topic of discussion was thrown off due to a racoon.... in the city, it was weird) but I did come out to a good friend of mine who's currently spending the semester in Mexico and it felt SO GOOD! She assured me that it has come up among my friends from home quite a few times and that they've known me since 13, nothing is gonna change. They are really just waiting for me to do it! So i'm doing it over thanksgiving, and then maybe telling my parents over thanksgiving too!
Wow - well that will be good to get that out of the way. Good luck with it, and congrats on coming out to your friend. I'm glad it went well.
Congrats on coming out to your friend! I'm glad it went well. Good luck with your next coming out! Hope all goes well for you!
